Ungard's Guide to Tavern Wenching.
Written by Darren Pearce / Dark Quest
First of all you're going to need a Tavern, because proper wenching only happens in Taverns, that's what my dad says and he's the leader of the Clan so he has to be right. He told me of how he met my mother when she was serving at the 'Nutty Slack' Tavern, they had a bit of a romp in the upstairs and he left her, boy was he red in the face Nine Months later when she turned up on the door bearing his child, and a bunch of angry relatives!
Once you have a Tavern, you have to pick the right Wench, now this can be done two of four ways...you can walk over to the most drop dead gorgeous babe you've ever seen and ask the immortal question.
"Nice boots, shall we go upstairs?"
Or you can take the more subtle approach.
"Nice boots, shall we do it on the table?"
Depending on your tact you'll either get, laid, a slap on the face or
horribly stabbed in a place where you'd rather someone never put a sharp object, ever!
Wenches can be identified by several things, they are usually dressed in frilly tops, long skirts and aprons, showing more cleavage than the entire front line of an Amazon War Party.
*Editors Note: Amazon War Parties are fun, but only for the Amazons, everyone else is usually in too much pain to enjoy anything. Note again: The Editor is in a body cast thanks to the Amazon Queen and when he finds a decent group of Adventurers he'll be back for revenge!!!
Wenches often giggle and respond well to petting, of all types, all though they don't seem to like it if you smash them over the head with a table in a bar fight. Wenches are usually also armed with an assortment of ales (+3 against Big Dumb Barbarians) and a tray of 'Get out of my way' +2
Most Wenches have a saucy accent and can usually use their womanly charms to quell the most impossible of customers. It is wise however to remember if you drink to excess and irritate one of these fine women, you'll end up with a dose of laxative in your next beer that will have you sitting on the Bog for Half an Hour, note that Bog in this case is an English saying not a muddy, grassy, foul watery stinkhole.
*Editor's Note: Some English Bogs are exactly like this.*
Things to say to a Wench.
"Hello, how are you, is your dad the barman, my this is a really nice Tavern, do you play People and Persons?"
*Editor's Note: People and Person's is owned by Wizards of the Shadowy Tract of Land close to the Sea, and is a Roleplaying Game designed for 3-6 Fantasy Characters.
"Those Ale tankards really show off your eyes, and you've got a lovely smile."
"I would like to be romantically involved with you at a later date if
that's possible."
"Are you free at Seven, there's a Slaughter on at the local pits, some Slayer's killing some Gnolls or something?"
"Can I just say that if you were my girl, you could serve me beers all night long!"
"Phwoar...nice...curly hair you have,"
Things not to say to a Wench.
"You're ok, but how's your Sister?"
"Hair, I thought that was your beard?"
"Those Ale tankards really are in the way of your curves."
"Nice Boots, would you like to see my short sword?"
"I hear you're the town rapid transport, two wheeled, travel vehicle."
"Nice eyes but I prefer looking a little lower."
"Only a 8 in your CHA???"
"Sorry, I thought /you/ were the Gorgon!?!"
Written by Darren Pearce / Dark Quest
First of all you're going to need a Tavern, because proper wenching only happens in Taverns, that's what my dad says and he's the leader of the Clan so he has to be right. He told me of how he met my mother when she was serving at the 'Nutty Slack' Tavern, they had a bit of a romp in the upstairs and he left her, boy was he red in the face Nine Months later when she turned up on the door bearing his child, and a bunch of angry relatives!
Once you have a Tavern, you have to pick the right Wench, now this can be done two of four ways...you can walk over to the most drop dead gorgeous babe you've ever seen and ask the immortal question.
"Nice boots, shall we go upstairs?"
Or you can take the more subtle approach.
"Nice boots, shall we do it on the table?"
Depending on your tact you'll either get, laid, a slap on the face or
horribly stabbed in a place where you'd rather someone never put a sharp object, ever!
Wenches can be identified by several things, they are usually dressed in frilly tops, long skirts and aprons, showing more cleavage than the entire front line of an Amazon War Party.
*Editors Note: Amazon War Parties are fun, but only for the Amazons, everyone else is usually in too much pain to enjoy anything. Note again: The Editor is in a body cast thanks to the Amazon Queen and when he finds a decent group of Adventurers he'll be back for revenge!!!
Wenches often giggle and respond well to petting, of all types, all though they don't seem to like it if you smash them over the head with a table in a bar fight. Wenches are usually also armed with an assortment of ales (+3 against Big Dumb Barbarians) and a tray of 'Get out of my way' +2
Most Wenches have a saucy accent and can usually use their womanly charms to quell the most impossible of customers. It is wise however to remember if you drink to excess and irritate one of these fine women, you'll end up with a dose of laxative in your next beer that will have you sitting on the Bog for Half an Hour, note that Bog in this case is an English saying not a muddy, grassy, foul watery stinkhole.
*Editor's Note: Some English Bogs are exactly like this.*
Things to say to a Wench.
"Hello, how are you, is your dad the barman, my this is a really nice Tavern, do you play People and Persons?"
*Editor's Note: People and Person's is owned by Wizards of the Shadowy Tract of Land close to the Sea, and is a Roleplaying Game designed for 3-6 Fantasy Characters.
"Those Ale tankards really show off your eyes, and you've got a lovely smile."
"I would like to be romantically involved with you at a later date if
that's possible."
"Are you free at Seven, there's a Slaughter on at the local pits, some Slayer's killing some Gnolls or something?"
"Can I just say that if you were my girl, you could serve me beers all night long!"
"Phwoar...nice...curly hair you have,"
Things not to say to a Wench.
"You're ok, but how's your Sister?"
"Hair, I thought that was your beard?"
"Those Ale tankards really are in the way of your curves."
"Nice Boots, would you like to see my short sword?"
"I hear you're the town rapid transport, two wheeled, travel vehicle."
"Nice eyes but I prefer looking a little lower."
"Only a 8 in your CHA???"
"Sorry, I thought /you/ were the Gorgon!?!"
