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EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!
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<blockquote data-quote="Ycore Rixle" data-source="post: 4258784" data-attributes="member: 675"><p>Thanks, and yours too, Kevin. Good stuff.</p><p></p><p>Comments on your story and others:</p><p></p><p>[sblock]</p><p></p><p>Wow, as impressive as I would expect from you! I love the economy of phrasing. Your two characters' diction is spot on. Each has a distinctive voice. Remarkably, you also used dialogue to emphasize the underlying similarities and foreshadow the monster's humanity by having the two speak, if not with the same diction, then in the same patterns (both use statements as questions, endearing anecdotes, humor - love the randy dolphin zinger at mythology, by the way). But basically you created two interesting characters and put them in an interesting situation. That's always a good thing. And the first-person limited viewpoint (a la Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird) is a tough one to pull off well. You did it. If I had to nitpick, my personal preference is for sharp resoution at the end of stories, but on the other hand plenty of folks like endings with a shadow of ambiguity. Really, it was a fun, keen, witty tale!</p><p></p><p>Dlsharrock - I liked the Caitlin character and her journey through the story. I also liked the humorous lines like, "What did one disgusting amorphous blob say to another disgusting amorphous blob?" The action was a bit chopped-up for me in parts, and a touch more editing might have made it easier to follow. When I saw your pictures posted, I was wondering what you guys would come up with. Kudos on pulling them all together.</p><p></p><p>Eeralai - The idea that Cate gets out of her body and into a very different body (or housing) is intriguing. Definitely gives the reader something to think about, namely, how exactly do the mind and body depend on each other? Would she have made the same decision if she were a 'skinny'?</p><p></p><p>Rodrigo - Hey! I used to live in Detroit! Hehe, actually you're not that far off (do you live there?). I wouldn't have minded seeing the conflict introduced a little bit earlier instead of just following Sam through the day. But it picked up for me when the nature of Sam's job became clear, and it picked up again when the rival showed up. I appreciated twinning the lawyers and the servants of the Dark Prince (an allusion to Angel's Wolfram and Heart, maybe?).</p><p></p><p>Mythago - The ice and cold imagery was cool (pun intended, sorry!). Seriously, I liked it. Oh, and naming her Gabriella - that is wicked of you. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> The "Judas with better parties" line made me think of F. Paul Wilson's _Virgin_.</p><p></p><p>Starman - I had fun with this one. Frank was a sympathetic character. I do wish that the picture of Frank had been included a little earlier; it was super for the character you were creating. The ending was a good payoff. Nice!</p><p></p><p>Berandor - Another fun one with a good payoff. This one is long, but it carries the reader with it. Perhaps a little editing toward the beginning (I'm thinking the section where Amurayi takes Richard) could have picked up the pace a bit. I liked the use of Indian mythology and your playing with the reincarnation theme. For me, the way that you used the gods, and the way that you spanned centuries in your narrative, both added a sense of weight and importance to the story. Kind of an epic "Listen up, this stuff _matters_!" vibe. Navid's actions at the climax were really well staged. Nicely done.</p><p></p><p>[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ycore Rixle, post: 4258784, member: 675"] Thanks, and yours too, Kevin. Good stuff. Comments on your story and others: [sblock] Wow, as impressive as I would expect from you! I love the economy of phrasing. Your two characters' diction is spot on. Each has a distinctive voice. Remarkably, you also used dialogue to emphasize the underlying similarities and foreshadow the monster's humanity by having the two speak, if not with the same diction, then in the same patterns (both use statements as questions, endearing anecdotes, humor - love the randy dolphin zinger at mythology, by the way). But basically you created two interesting characters and put them in an interesting situation. That's always a good thing. And the first-person limited viewpoint (a la Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird) is a tough one to pull off well. You did it. If I had to nitpick, my personal preference is for sharp resoution at the end of stories, but on the other hand plenty of folks like endings with a shadow of ambiguity. Really, it was a fun, keen, witty tale! Dlsharrock - I liked the Caitlin character and her journey through the story. I also liked the humorous lines like, "What did one disgusting amorphous blob say to another disgusting amorphous blob?" The action was a bit chopped-up for me in parts, and a touch more editing might have made it easier to follow. When I saw your pictures posted, I was wondering what you guys would come up with. Kudos on pulling them all together. Eeralai - The idea that Cate gets out of her body and into a very different body (or housing) is intriguing. Definitely gives the reader something to think about, namely, how exactly do the mind and body depend on each other? Would she have made the same decision if she were a 'skinny'? Rodrigo - Hey! I used to live in Detroit! Hehe, actually you're not that far off (do you live there?). I wouldn't have minded seeing the conflict introduced a little bit earlier instead of just following Sam through the day. But it picked up for me when the nature of Sam's job became clear, and it picked up again when the rival showed up. I appreciated twinning the lawyers and the servants of the Dark Prince (an allusion to Angel's Wolfram and Heart, maybe?). Mythago - The ice and cold imagery was cool (pun intended, sorry!). Seriously, I liked it. Oh, and naming her Gabriella - that is wicked of you. :) The "Judas with better parties" line made me think of F. Paul Wilson's _Virgin_. Starman - I had fun with this one. Frank was a sympathetic character. I do wish that the picture of Frank had been included a little earlier; it was super for the character you were creating. The ending was a good payoff. Nice! Berandor - Another fun one with a good payoff. This one is long, but it carries the reader with it. Perhaps a little editing toward the beginning (I'm thinking the section where Amurayi takes Richard) could have picked up the pace a bit. I liked the use of Indian mythology and your playing with the reincarnation theme. For me, the way that you used the gods, and the way that you spanned centuries in your narrative, both added a sense of weight and importance to the story. Kind of an epic "Listen up, this stuff _matters_!" vibe. Navid's actions at the climax were really well staged. Nicely done. [/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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