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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Iron Sky" data-source="post: 6916835" data-attributes="member: 60965">I skimmed through your rulebook and have a few comments that might make it a bit more accessible:1) Don't jump into character creation before you've explained how the rules work. Currently you've only touched on them in the most cursory fashion before diving in. After that brief overview, we're onto picking a race that gets a bonus to World Points before we know what World Points are. If you want ideas for how to structure this, glance at the first few chapters of almost any professionally published RPG book out there.2) Your intro is the pitch for the game and, unfortunately, it uses almost entirely passive voice. Hint: "will", "can be", "are", "have been", "that is" and the like are passive, "forged" "fight" "explored" are active.Ex: "Over the course of time and playing with a group, characters will develop, adventures will form, battles fought, and ultimately an unforgettable narrative will be forged." → "Develop rich characters in play, forging an unforgettable narrative as the vast galaxy of Endless Frontiers comes to life at your table."If you want to do this on your own, read a ton of stuff on writing. There's a half-jigilion writing blogs, websites, reddits, and forums where you can hone your craft with ideas, tips from published authors, writing challenges, critiques, discussions, etc. 3) The Tiers need some sort of graphics if you want to sell this. Doesn't matter if you hand-draw it and scan it, make it in GIMP, whatever, but as-is it looks like you made it in Word. If you don't know what sort of graphics to do, look up MMO/Fantasy/ScifiRPG skill trees and see how they do it.4) Long lists of weapons with no graphics (I know graphics are hard/expensive) makes it look like a slog to get through, even just skimming it. Putting them in tables might help or any bit of graphic design to break things up.5) Figure out your "niche". What does your RPG do out there that no other RPGs does? Figure that out and you have something you can market. Why should I play Endless Frontiers over Shadowrun, Eclipse Phase, Stars Without Number, Star Wars, new Alternity or even the old Alternity?Even skimming it, you have some neat ideas, but it needs a lot of polish to be ready for public consumption. I know how difficult it is to get - and how important it is to have - outside feedback on you work so even though this probably wasn't the sort of feedback you were wishing for, hopefully it is helpful to you.</blockquote>

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