Upgrade your account to a Community Supporter account and remove most of the site ads.

Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Rodrigo Istalindir" data-source="post: 3651856" data-attributes="member: 2810">Round 1 Match 3 FickleGM vs CevalicFickleGM Vs Cevalicmaxfieldjadenfox FickleGM has presented us with the dark tale of an escapee from Hell. I find it intriguing that I have much more sympathy for her than I have for the supposed good guys chasing her ... that's probably because they killed everything in their paths getting to her. I thought the picture use was strong here. None of the images felt like they were in there just because it was CDM and they had to be. Maybe it's because I'm the artist, but I was particularly pleased that the window was a mirror in this story. I kind of like the non-literal interpretation, and the repeating theme of the mirror tied things together nicely. There were a couple of places that were genuinely suspenseful, which is hard to do in a short story written in 72 hours. In the first paragraph, it would have worked better if it had read, "...stopped what they were doing, turned to each other, nodded blankly..." There were a couple of places like that that would have benefited from one last read aloud, but all in all a good effort. Cevalic's piece feels like part of a larger world, and I like how the rules seem to be well thought out and in place. I liked the picture use for the girl in the mirror and was pleased with the grandma picture use. That scene had a lovely dreamlike quality that I appreciate. I think it would have had more impact if the last line exactly repeated the grandmother's line, "There are dark things around this night." I felt like the men with the pipes picture was the weakest, like it was in there because it had to be. It was still linked to the demon theme though, and a Gaia demon, using the earth itself to attack was a neat idea, although if the picture hadn't been requisite, roots or something would make more sense. You might have had the two guys be sewer workers and indicate that the pipes had come up out of the ground to attack them? Anyway, it was an enjoyable piece to read.This was the hardest match-up for me to judge so far in this competition. Both entries have things to recommend them, but while Cevalic's entry is more appealing to me themewise, FickleGM's entry is slightly stronger in picture use. It's been hard to think with the warhammer screaming in the background, and I need to get hold of a Dwarvish dictionary so I can find out what the hell it's saying! Sadly, crush or squish, it's aiming at Cevalic... Squish.Herremann the WiseIt’s a match-up like this that really puts a judge through the ringer.Sweet Release in a magical economy of words takes us into a different world where the story feels like it is part of something much bigger. That classic word verisimilitude comes to mind immediately. To do this in such a short smattering of sentences was highly impressive and the work of someone who instinctively knows how and when to use their words. However, in terms of story, I felt the “workmen” image pushed what was an incredibly tight and well-crafted piece into a puddle. After the almost derisive challenge from the ‘risen’, I felt that our wizard-priest should have headed back in to do what he could to return the girl, spurred on by the risen’s words. Alas, we must accept his meek nodding of the head in acknowledgement that the job was too tough – and as he finishes chasing after a different demon entirely.My question: why have the risen appear? What was her purpose? I think if you could have put that workmen image at the start, building up to the vanity demon, then you could have finished a lot stronger. As it was, I thought the submission of quality although it has obviously left me with a few too many “if only the writer could have done this...” moments.In terms of image use, I felt the “cat lady” the best and could have even been stronger thematically speaking. The mirror image was the one underpinning the entire story while the workmen image was a classic waypoint for me. Image use was on the whole quite good. Overall, I was very impressed.FickleGM has provided a story that holds a really good sense of tension as it culminates in the defeat of... well to be honest I’m not too sure. I needed a little more direction here to work out who was who. Who were the good guys, who were the bad guys? The creatively good sense of weird schlock horror smoothed over too many questions getting in the way during my numerous readings, but always at the end, I was left trying to work out exactly who was who.I took Sarah as an escaped demon (trying to escape or repent?) and the workmen the one’s sent to chase her down and bring her back. Granny Elsa was perhaps the only one who could save “Sarah’s” soul from the denizens of hell and Maggie seemed to be a former success for the old woman. But there again, I believe several other interpretations are possible given the lack of significant cues and an over-diversity of the ones that were there. This is a shame because if I could have been a little surer of my interpretation, I would have enjoyed your efforts even more.Image use was well done with each image featuring quite strongly. The workmen one was a little strange but all to the good if you ask me. It fitted the schlock genre rather well.Now, I feel like I should mention something that could add a little polish to the piece. The one thing that can really move a story along is dialogue. Your dialogue however was just a little too clanky (tapping into that schlock horror mentality perhaps). I think sometimes you just have to let the words flow without interrupting it with all the superfluous “he said, she replied” business as well as the over-abundance of interspersed dialogue ‘actions’. Over-crafting dialogue can be a classic mistake, particularly in a short story where you feel you have to make every word count. Once you have your characters set though, it should be obvious who is talking and who is replying. Save the actions that go with the dialogue for the real breaks that naturally occur rather than dispersed between almost every change in speaker. You will be amazed how this can make your dialogue really come alive.You have not done this too badly but it was just a noticeable difference in pacing between your action and your dialogue that made it stand out. Actually as a side note, sometimes you seem to bundle a few too many words in to your non-essential descriptions. On these occasions, look at what you can take out of a sentence rather than what extra words you can put in.On the whole a fine effort.Now, while I had issues with both our competitors, I am going to give the match to Cevalic because with everything told, I think certain key elements were just a little tighter. There was a split hair between the two of you in my most difficult decision of CDM/ESSS so far. Congratulations to both our competitors.RodrigoFickleGM – The strongest element of this story is the pacing.  It hits the ground running, and stays consistent throughout.  There is a good mix of action with enough interludes to keep the level of excitement high without feeling strident.  Overall, the picture use was very good.  The demon-hunters communicating with the underworld was especially clever with what I thought was one of the hardest pictures in the first round.  The girl in the mirror was also well done, and you did an excellent job of referencing the reflections it in several places.  This is a fantastic way to reinforce the significance of a picture.  There are some issues with the writing.  The point of view shifts too many times, I think.  We start with the co-workers, shift to the hunters, to the guys, to the girls, to the old lady.   One of the mistakes (IMO) of modern horror movies (and the story feels like a movie), is that it forgets what makes for true horror.  Something bad happening to you is scary – something bad happening to someone you care about is terrifying.  In this case, the guys are so disposable that there’s no emotional impact.   I think a  couple structural changes would elevate the story from average to excellent. If it were to start with a strong one-on-one scene with Sarah and her boyfriend, establish them both as three-dimensional, then shift to the ritual, then the hunt, then the epilogue, you’d not only eliminate some of the POV shifting, it would make the deaths more resonant.  Ditch the other couple, and it would tighten things up even more.Cevalic – I’ll confess this story hits one of my buttons (in a good way).  I really like stories that drop me in the middle of something bigger and slowly lift the curtains.  You do an excellent job of dropping phrases here and there that frame a world larger than the events of the story, and it is very intriguing.  It’s a little too sparse to be entirely satisfying.  Seeing how central the possession is to the story, I’d like to know more about it and the Vanity demon, for example.  And you overdo the Capitalized Words – once or twice lends import to the mundane, but too often and it becomes distracting and reduces the impact.The ending was kind of weak, I thought.  There was no conflict, no resolution, just sort of a segue from one scene to another.  You’ve sketched out a cool little world, and then don’t do much with it.   The picture use is mixed.  The girl in the mirror is excellent, and the use of the Vanity demon is a wonderful way of combining the text and the picture to create something stronger than either alone.   The scene with the Risen, though, doesn’t really exploit the other elements of the picture.  The dead workmen at the end didn’t work for me – it felt tacked on, and really didn’t seem to integrate with the rest of the story.I’ve hemmed and hawed over this one relentlessly.  In the end, my decision is for FickleGM, who had, overall, an ever-so-slightly more complete package.Decision is for FickleGM, 2-1. Or more like 1.5001 to 1.4999.  This was a close one.</blockquote>

Verification