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<blockquote data-quote="awayfarer" data-source="post: 3672885" data-attributes="member: 42702"><p><strong>Mooks and Magic</strong></p><p></p><p style="margin-left: 20px">Once upon a time in a forest a long ways away from here, there was a small cozy cottage carved into a wizened old tree. The tree was the tallest in the entirety of the Fairyland Woods and from its gnarled boughs and thick roots; one might get the impression that something old and magical lived there. This would not be so unusual in these woods, where so many odd and mythical creatures could be found. </p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Which is why it was so strange that this particular cottage was actually the home of three fairly stereotypical hit men. It hadn’t always been so. The place had been the home of a gnarled old wizard only a few years ago, but it is the habit of city-folk to try and get away from it all, and the four hit men who purchased it (The wizard retired to Florida) had found it to be a great change of pace from their usual surroundings. They’d made a few changes to the place; the tiled bathroom wasn’t a part of the original cottage for instance. They had found that the magical, self-emptying chamber pots tended to be a bit sloppy, and decided to eliminate these. The Jacuzzi, pool room and home theater system were also additions, albeit the latter functioned through a rather large crystal ball that the four had found to give better reception than the satellite dish they’d had installed. All in all, it was a very comfortable place to live. </p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Furthermore, there was a surprisingly large amount of work to be had in the Fairyland woods. The hit men made their living whacking werewolves, goblins and the occasional elf that caused a problem. Mythical monsters often prove to be a bit difficult to handle; in fact, one of the four didn’t survive their first month in the forest, but the remaining three adjusted quite well to the new challenges and thrived.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">It was on a day, many years ago that their lives in Fairyland took an unusual turn. It was an ordinary morning, at least as ordinary as a morning could be in the forest. The three hit men had just woken up and were performing their morning ablutions in the cozy cottages tiled bathroom. Vinny da’ Grey looked over to his left and felt a little forlorn at the empty urinal beside him. It was a sad to not see the toilet in use by a fourth member. Vinny missed Louie Red-tie, the groups fourth. Sure, they’d gotten along well enough without him, but Louie was a stand up guy and someone you could always rely on in a pinch. Unfortunately, Louie hadn’t taken the charging unicorn seriously enough.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The middle hit man Toni Big-heels was looking over at the last, Johnny Serious. Toni was a cross-dresser, making him a bit unusual among them, but the rest were forward-thinking enough to ignore this behavior. Even had they not been fine with it, the fact that Toni could throw a knife accurately enough to cut a fly in half from across the room tended to discourage negative commentary.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Sheesh Johnny, you oughta get that looked at. I mean, plaid? You been screwing that dryad haven’t ya?” Toni commented while looking over at Johnny.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Knock it off Toni, everyone’s been screwing tha’ dryad. Ain’t like I’m the only one.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Yah, s’kinda my point Johnny, you don’t know where she’s been. Ain’t right slippin the wood to some wood. You don’t know what sorta magical mystical std’s that broad’s got. You really need to get that checked. Tell him Vinnie, shouldn’t he get that checked?”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Vinny didn’t want to have any part in it. “Look, Toni, just quit lookin’ at it alright? Sup ta him if he wants a plaid pecker. What do I care?”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The three flushed, in unison and left to go have breakfast and discuss the day’s business.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Johnny serious split a grapefruit in half. “Whadda we got today Vinny? Something a bit easier’n last week I hope. That exploding manticore wasn’t exactly a fun job.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Shouldn’t be too tough.” Said Vinnie the grey as he poured out a bowl of Grape Nuts, “Some lady called Gramma wants a werewolf whacked. We still got plenty a’ silver bullets and if we can get to em’ by day it’ll be a piece a’ cake.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Yeah, and you did clean the guns last night dincha Johnny?”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Sure thing Toni, they should be good to go. Yours was gummed up with lip-gloss ya nut. How’dja manage that anyhow? Y’know what nevermind, I’m sure I don’t wanna know. In any case, the guns is all laid out nice and neat on as desk in the library.”</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Vinny dropped the spoon halfway to his mouth. There are certain difficulties in moving into a wizard’s home. Chief among them is the tendency of wizards to accumulate large numbers of magical texts. Magic does not hold well in paper and as a result, any location with a massive number of magic tomes tends to get…leakage.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Johnny you mook! You left the guns in the library!?” Vinny immediately pushed away from the table and rushed down the hall to the large, solid oak doors that marked the entrance to the library. He pushed inwards and entered the cluttered room. Wizards are also notoriously untidy. Several attempts at cleaning up the library met with failure as books simply migrated wherever they pleased. Even the dust had achieved some modicum of sentience, and small herds of dust bunnies occasionally hopped across the well-worn floor.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Directly across from the doors was a desk where apparently Johnny serious had been tuning up the guns. Vinny quickly grabbed the three weapons and hastily retreated back into the hall, slamming the door shut behind him.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Johnny could you be any more of a nitwit? You know what happened the last time we left a weapon in there.” </p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The last weapon left in the library was a small but rather sharp knife that Toni Bigheels had used to carve his initials in the desk. The blade was in there for three weeks before Toni remembered and brought it back out, but by then the damage was done. Some might think that an intelligent, talking weapon would make for an interesting companion, but comments like, “Oh god, I’m in someone’s head! I’m in someone’s freaking head!” tended to be unnerving, and so Toni quite using the knife. It had subsequently disappeared.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Hey, c’mon Vinny, they wasn’t even in there for a whole day. What’s the worst that could happen eh? Besides, it’s not like we got a decent desk to work at anywhere else. Lets just take em’ out to the firing range and test em’ out. See that everything’s what it should be, you know what I’m saying?”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">This was readily agreed to and the three left the cozy cottage and walked just a short ways to the place they called the shooting range, which was in fact a duck pond. Vinny took out his piece and selected a likely target. A fat duck lazily swam past. There was a faint click as Vinny pulled the trigger. Nothing happened for approximately two and two thirds of a second.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The duck exploded in a ball of flame. Vinny dropped the gun, which was glowing red-hot. “Dammit, this piece is too hot!”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Toni reluctantly held his gun and closed his eyes as he pulled the trigger. As with Vinny’s gun, there was the quiet click of the trigger, followed by a short silence.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The noise that followed was not an explosion; in fact, it was not related to the sound “bang” in any way. It was a strange tinkling, crinkling sound. Toni heard the sound only after his gun had already fallen in front of his high heels. “Dammit, this piece is too cold!” When Toni opened his eyes, the spot in the pond that he had taken aim at was a solid block of ice. Ducks honked angrily as they tried to extricate their feet from the frozen surface.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Johnny Serious casually fired at a duck. It died in an unremarkable way. “I don’t know what happened to you’se guys. My piece is just right.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Vinny slapped Johnny in the back of the head. “Moron! How we gonna whack that wolf without our pieces!? Ain’t like you can do it all alone.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Look Vinny, maybe if we just leave the guns out for a while they’ll go back to normal.” Toni said “Happened with that nail file I left in the library one morning. It stopped meowing after about three hours. Lets just put down the pieces and go for a walk. Only let me change into some more comfortable shoes.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The three hit men left their guns on the kitchen table like any responsible adult would. They decided among themselves to hit their mark in the afternoon, although doing so would be markedly more dangerous the later in the day they waited. Toni put on some sensible beige shoes with a short, wide heel and they strolled down Fairyland Lane.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Elsewhere, magic was causing quite a different problem for one young girl. The girl was known to her tribe as “Burning Hair”, as much for her red locks as for her unfortunate tendency to set things on fire. Regrettably (to her tribe at least) she was born with a talent for magic and as was the custom of the tribe, she was to be exiled. The council was still working out precisely where she was meant to go.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Burning Hair was a carefree sort, and while feeling somewhat melancholy about her predicament, she was comforted by her travel companion. Her shadow had a mind of its own since she was only a few years old, and while it couldn’t speak, its antics always cheered her up. She waited outside the tent for several hours while the old men passed the pipe and discussed the affairs of the tribe. Occasionally an exclamation of “Whoa, dude” or “Wait, what were we just talking about?” could be heard through the fabric. Burning Hair was not the brightest person around, but she occasionally wondered why the elders sought wisdom in plants, which never seemed very intelligent to her.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The tent opened and it was the chief himself who delivered the news. Chief Heap Stereotype appeared in his feather headdress and face paint, looking stern. It occurred to Burning Hair that perhaps the tribes naming conventions should also not rely on clouds of plant ash. The effect of the chiefs stern face was somewhat ruined when he cracked up.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Okay, check it out. You like… what was it? Oh yea, you, Burning Hair cause big trouble for our tribe. We’ve decided to banish you to the” The chief began to crack up once again “Fairyland Woods.” He gave a big grin and that was that.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">All in all, Burning Hair thought that things could be worse. She set off down the interstate on foot while her shadow did cartwheels. It was a surprisingly short distance from the tribes land to the Fairyland Woods. “Magic.” Burning Hair thought to herself, completely willing to accept this as sufficient explanation. She stared up at the giant trees that rose up suddenly in the desert. She moved in among the trees, glad to be in the shade. </p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">It was early afternoon but already the young sorceress was tired, having spent the entire morning just walking to her destination. She searched for some time among the trees in the hopes of finding a quaint bistro or coffee shop. She found the latter, a small place owned, operated and largely patronized by raccoons. The acorn coffee served there didn’t refresh her terribly and unfortunately, the proprietor couldn’t recommend any good hotels in the area.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Burning Hair wandered onwards for a little while longer when she encountered a most peculiar thing. Carved into an enormous tree was a simple wooden door. “This is probably as close to civilization as we’re going to get, don’t you agree shadow?” she said aloud. Her shadow nodded, and the pair agreed to give it a try. They were quite tired from so much walking, and when no one answered the door, they decided to enter anyway.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The hit men’s cozy cottage appeared very inviting to Burning Hair. She found herself in the kitchen, noting that some careless person had left several guns on the table, when she heard a noise nearby. It sounded like someone, or something, pounding on a heavy door.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Investigating, Burning Hair came to a set of large oak doors. The pounding had ceased the moment she began to walk down the hall. She threw open the doors and was astounded at the vast number of clearly magical books that greeted her. This was all the more astounding for the simple fact that it was not descriptive language.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The books jumped up and down, clamoring for her attention and she was delighted to play with them all, as was her shadow. It was only a few minutes before the frolicking was cut short however, by the immensely loud sound of an enormous book slamming shut. The other folios leapt upon their shelves, trembling slightly.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Burning Hair turned a corner. Upon a dusty and evil looking pedestal was a gigantic, black volume that looked absolutely ancient. Burning Hair was not shy (or all that bright either) and so she stepped forwards to greet the book like all the rest. As she stepped forth, a pair of yellow, cat-like eyes suddenly appeared upon the cover.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Why grimoire, what big eyes you have!” Burning Hair remarked as her shadow (having more substantial brains) desperately tried to get her attention. As the girl stepped forward, the large tome bared a set of teeth that took up nearly its entire cover. It emitted a low growl.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Why grimoire, what big teeth you ha…holy crap!”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The book leapt from its pedestal with its moth wide open, ready to bite Burning Hairs head off. Thankfully, the girl’s reflexes were faster than the rest of her mind. She quickly grabbed the first weapon she saw (a small knife) and slammed it into the book, pinning the thing to the wall. From somewhere nearby she heard a muffled voice. “Oh god, I’m in a books brain! I’m in a books freaking brain!”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">This was quite enough for Burning Hair. She hastily exited the library.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">There was a sound at the kitchen door. “Perhaps it’s the owners.” Burning Hair thought. She ran to the kitchen and threw open the door.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Standing outside were three bald men wearing lame t-shirts and holding various plumbing implements threateningly. One of the men faced away from the door.</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Is this the home of Vinny the Grey, Toni Bigheels and Johnny Serious?” one of the three men asked. “This is Mr. Adrian Wrongway and Associates. We got a message for them, courtesy of one disgruntled werewolf.”</p><p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">“Yeah,” said the man facing away from the door ”that message is…chaaaarge!” He ran away from the door. There was a short muttering, something along the lines of “Adrian, you idiot.” And the other two pushed their way into the kitchen. Burning hair stumbled backwards, banging into the kitchen table. Her arm was flung backwards where it struck the gun of Vinny the Grey. Nothing happened for two and two thirds seconds….</p><p></p><p>BANG!</p><p></p><p style="margin-left: 20px">The gun went off with a roar; the bullet ricocheted off the wall, then the ceiling fan, then off of the trigger of Toni Bigheels gun before burying itself in one of the bald men, who exploded. Bits of burning thug plastered the kitchen, setting fire to nearly everything in sight, including Burning Hair’s hair. All of this happened within two seconds…</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Two thirds of a second later, a loud, tinkle-tinkle noise occurred. The noise occurred again as the bullet ricocheted off the wall, and again as it hit the chandelier, and again as it struck the trigger of Johnny Serious’s gun. The second thug was frozen solid. The monkey wrench he had been carrying flew out of his hand and landed in the sink where it smashed the faucet, causing a spray of water to go everywhere. Some of the water froze in the air; some of it spread out and put out several small fires.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Two thirds of a second later came the bang of a gun that was tuned just right. It had a clear path through the kitchen door and it left the cozy cottage only to strike a man running away from it. Adrian Wrongway was hit in the back of the head and was sent, against all normal physics, back in the direction of the kitchen. He crashed into his frozen comrade as he fell, shattering most of the thug to pieces.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Burning Hair casually ran (A difficult thing to do) out of the kitchen and towards the nearest bathroom. She put out her scalp in the shower, a process she had gotten rather used to over the years. “Well, it’ll grow back…. again.” Her shadow heaved as if sobbing. It cared more about it’s hair than Burning Hair did.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">The three hit men came back from their walk to a grisly cottage. Toni Bigheels was the first to notice something was amiss “Hey Vinny, you leave the door open…wait, you smell smoke?” the three rushed in and immediately noticed the flaming corpse of the first thug. Vinny’s gun had left a scorch mark on the table when it fired. “Hey, somebody’s been whacked with my gun!” he exclaimed.</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Toni stepped in a puddle of slush and bits of semi-frozen goon. “Oh yuck, these are new shoes. I hope this comes out…wait a sec, somebody’s been whacked with my gun!”</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Johnny serious was the last to enter. “Wait, I know this guy. Adrian Wrongway. He used to do jobs on the lower east side. Hey…looks like somebody whacked him with my gun…and here she is!”</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Burning Hair leveled Johnny Serious’s gun at the trio. She thought it was rude to kill someone in their own home however, and so she put down the gun. “Er, look this has been a really weird day for me and I’m guessing it’s been one for you three also.” She explained her situation. The three hit men appeared to be quite happy to have a sorceress around to keep an eye on all the strange magical things in their cottage. They called her Bonnie Red-Hair and lived as happily together as an accident-prone magic user and three hit men can.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="awayfarer, post: 3672885, member: 42702"] [b]Mooks and Magic[/b] [INDENT]Once upon a time in a forest a long ways away from here, there was a small cozy cottage carved into a wizened old tree. The tree was the tallest in the entirety of the Fairyland Woods and from its gnarled boughs and thick roots; one might get the impression that something old and magical lived there. This would not be so unusual in these woods, where so many odd and mythical creatures could be found. [/INDENT] [INDENT]Which is why it was so strange that this particular cottage was actually the home of three fairly stereotypical hit men. It hadn’t always been so. The place had been the home of a gnarled old wizard only a few years ago, but it is the habit of city-folk to try and get away from it all, and the four hit men who purchased it (The wizard retired to Florida) had found it to be a great change of pace from their usual surroundings. They’d made a few changes to the place; the tiled bathroom wasn’t a part of the original cottage for instance. They had found that the magical, self-emptying chamber pots tended to be a bit sloppy, and decided to eliminate these. The Jacuzzi, pool room and home theater system were also additions, albeit the latter functioned through a rather large crystal ball that the four had found to give better reception than the satellite dish they’d had installed. All in all, it was a very comfortable place to live. [/INDENT] [INDENT]Furthermore, there was a surprisingly large amount of work to be had in the Fairyland woods. The hit men made their living whacking werewolves, goblins and the occasional elf that caused a problem. Mythical monsters often prove to be a bit difficult to handle; in fact, one of the four didn’t survive their first month in the forest, but the remaining three adjusted quite well to the new challenges and thrived.[/INDENT] [INDENT]It was on a day, many years ago that their lives in Fairyland took an unusual turn. It was an ordinary morning, at least as ordinary as a morning could be in the forest. The three hit men had just woken up and were performing their morning ablutions in the cozy cottages tiled bathroom. Vinny da’ Grey looked over to his left and felt a little forlorn at the empty urinal beside him. It was a sad to not see the toilet in use by a fourth member. Vinny missed Louie Red-tie, the groups fourth. Sure, they’d gotten along well enough without him, but Louie was a stand up guy and someone you could always rely on in a pinch. Unfortunately, Louie hadn’t taken the charging unicorn seriously enough.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The middle hit man Toni Big-heels was looking over at the last, Johnny Serious. Toni was a cross-dresser, making him a bit unusual among them, but the rest were forward-thinking enough to ignore this behavior. Even had they not been fine with it, the fact that Toni could throw a knife accurately enough to cut a fly in half from across the room tended to discourage negative commentary.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Sheesh Johnny, you oughta get that looked at. I mean, plaid? You been screwing that dryad haven’t ya?” Toni commented while looking over at Johnny.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Knock it off Toni, everyone’s been screwing tha’ dryad. Ain’t like I’m the only one.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Yah, s’kinda my point Johnny, you don’t know where she’s been. Ain’t right slippin the wood to some wood. You don’t know what sorta magical mystical std’s that broad’s got. You really need to get that checked. Tell him Vinnie, shouldn’t he get that checked?”[/INDENT] [INDENT]Vinny didn’t want to have any part in it. “Look, Toni, just quit lookin’ at it alright? Sup ta him if he wants a plaid pecker. What do I care?”[/INDENT] [INDENT]The three flushed, in unison and left to go have breakfast and discuss the day’s business.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Johnny serious split a grapefruit in half. “Whadda we got today Vinny? Something a bit easier’n last week I hope. That exploding manticore wasn’t exactly a fun job.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Shouldn’t be too tough.” Said Vinnie the grey as he poured out a bowl of Grape Nuts, “Some lady called Gramma wants a werewolf whacked. We still got plenty a’ silver bullets and if we can get to em’ by day it’ll be a piece a’ cake.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Yeah, and you did clean the guns last night dincha Johnny?”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Sure thing Toni, they should be good to go. Yours was gummed up with lip-gloss ya nut. How’dja manage that anyhow? Y’know what nevermind, I’m sure I don’t wanna know. In any case, the guns is all laid out nice and neat on as desk in the library.” Vinny dropped the spoon halfway to his mouth. There are certain difficulties in moving into a wizard’s home. Chief among them is the tendency of wizards to accumulate large numbers of magical texts. Magic does not hold well in paper and as a result, any location with a massive number of magic tomes tends to get…leakage.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Johnny you mook! You left the guns in the library!?” Vinny immediately pushed away from the table and rushed down the hall to the large, solid oak doors that marked the entrance to the library. He pushed inwards and entered the cluttered room. Wizards are also notoriously untidy. Several attempts at cleaning up the library met with failure as books simply migrated wherever they pleased. Even the dust had achieved some modicum of sentience, and small herds of dust bunnies occasionally hopped across the well-worn floor.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Directly across from the doors was a desk where apparently Johnny serious had been tuning up the guns. Vinny quickly grabbed the three weapons and hastily retreated back into the hall, slamming the door shut behind him.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Johnny could you be any more of a nitwit? You know what happened the last time we left a weapon in there.” [/INDENT] [INDENT]The last weapon left in the library was a small but rather sharp knife that Toni Bigheels had used to carve his initials in the desk. The blade was in there for three weeks before Toni remembered and brought it back out, but by then the damage was done. Some might think that an intelligent, talking weapon would make for an interesting companion, but comments like, “Oh god, I’m in someone’s head! I’m in someone’s freaking head!” tended to be unnerving, and so Toni quite using the knife. It had subsequently disappeared.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Hey, c’mon Vinny, they wasn’t even in there for a whole day. What’s the worst that could happen eh? Besides, it’s not like we got a decent desk to work at anywhere else. Lets just take em’ out to the firing range and test em’ out. See that everything’s what it should be, you know what I’m saying?”[/INDENT] [INDENT]This was readily agreed to and the three left the cozy cottage and walked just a short ways to the place they called the shooting range, which was in fact a duck pond. Vinny took out his piece and selected a likely target. A fat duck lazily swam past. There was a faint click as Vinny pulled the trigger. Nothing happened for approximately two and two thirds of a second.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The duck exploded in a ball of flame. Vinny dropped the gun, which was glowing red-hot. “Dammit, this piece is too hot!”[/INDENT] [INDENT]Toni reluctantly held his gun and closed his eyes as he pulled the trigger. As with Vinny’s gun, there was the quiet click of the trigger, followed by a short silence.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The noise that followed was not an explosion; in fact, it was not related to the sound “bang” in any way. It was a strange tinkling, crinkling sound. Toni heard the sound only after his gun had already fallen in front of his high heels. “Dammit, this piece is too cold!” When Toni opened his eyes, the spot in the pond that he had taken aim at was a solid block of ice. Ducks honked angrily as they tried to extricate their feet from the frozen surface.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Johnny Serious casually fired at a duck. It died in an unremarkable way. “I don’t know what happened to you’se guys. My piece is just right.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]Vinny slapped Johnny in the back of the head. “Moron! How we gonna whack that wolf without our pieces!? Ain’t like you can do it all alone.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Look Vinny, maybe if we just leave the guns out for a while they’ll go back to normal.” Toni said “Happened with that nail file I left in the library one morning. It stopped meowing after about three hours. Lets just put down the pieces and go for a walk. Only let me change into some more comfortable shoes.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]The three hit men left their guns on the kitchen table like any responsible adult would. They decided among themselves to hit their mark in the afternoon, although doing so would be markedly more dangerous the later in the day they waited. Toni put on some sensible beige shoes with a short, wide heel and they strolled down Fairyland Lane.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Elsewhere, magic was causing quite a different problem for one young girl. The girl was known to her tribe as “Burning Hair”, as much for her red locks as for her unfortunate tendency to set things on fire. Regrettably (to her tribe at least) she was born with a talent for magic and as was the custom of the tribe, she was to be exiled. The council was still working out precisely where she was meant to go.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Burning Hair was a carefree sort, and while feeling somewhat melancholy about her predicament, she was comforted by her travel companion. Her shadow had a mind of its own since she was only a few years old, and while it couldn’t speak, its antics always cheered her up. She waited outside the tent for several hours while the old men passed the pipe and discussed the affairs of the tribe. Occasionally an exclamation of “Whoa, dude” or “Wait, what were we just talking about?” could be heard through the fabric. Burning Hair was not the brightest person around, but she occasionally wondered why the elders sought wisdom in plants, which never seemed very intelligent to her.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The tent opened and it was the chief himself who delivered the news. Chief Heap Stereotype appeared in his feather headdress and face paint, looking stern. It occurred to Burning Hair that perhaps the tribes naming conventions should also not rely on clouds of plant ash. The effect of the chiefs stern face was somewhat ruined when he cracked up.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Okay, check it out. You like… what was it? Oh yea, you, Burning Hair cause big trouble for our tribe. We’ve decided to banish you to the” The chief began to crack up once again “Fairyland Woods.” He gave a big grin and that was that.[/INDENT] [INDENT]All in all, Burning Hair thought that things could be worse. She set off down the interstate on foot while her shadow did cartwheels. It was a surprisingly short distance from the tribes land to the Fairyland Woods. “Magic.” Burning Hair thought to herself, completely willing to accept this as sufficient explanation. She stared up at the giant trees that rose up suddenly in the desert. She moved in among the trees, glad to be in the shade. [/INDENT] [INDENT]It was early afternoon but already the young sorceress was tired, having spent the entire morning just walking to her destination. She searched for some time among the trees in the hopes of finding a quaint bistro or coffee shop. She found the latter, a small place owned, operated and largely patronized by raccoons. The acorn coffee served there didn’t refresh her terribly and unfortunately, the proprietor couldn’t recommend any good hotels in the area.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Burning Hair wandered onwards for a little while longer when she encountered a most peculiar thing. Carved into an enormous tree was a simple wooden door. “This is probably as close to civilization as we’re going to get, don’t you agree shadow?” she said aloud. Her shadow nodded, and the pair agreed to give it a try. They were quite tired from so much walking, and when no one answered the door, they decided to enter anyway.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The hit men’s cozy cottage appeared very inviting to Burning Hair. She found herself in the kitchen, noting that some careless person had left several guns on the table, when she heard a noise nearby. It sounded like someone, or something, pounding on a heavy door.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Investigating, Burning Hair came to a set of large oak doors. The pounding had ceased the moment she began to walk down the hall. She threw open the doors and was astounded at the vast number of clearly magical books that greeted her. This was all the more astounding for the simple fact that it was not descriptive language.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The books jumped up and down, clamoring for her attention and she was delighted to play with them all, as was her shadow. It was only a few minutes before the frolicking was cut short however, by the immensely loud sound of an enormous book slamming shut. The other folios leapt upon their shelves, trembling slightly.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Burning Hair turned a corner. Upon a dusty and evil looking pedestal was a gigantic, black volume that looked absolutely ancient. Burning Hair was not shy (or all that bright either) and so she stepped forwards to greet the book like all the rest. As she stepped forth, a pair of yellow, cat-like eyes suddenly appeared upon the cover.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Why grimoire, what big eyes you have!” Burning Hair remarked as her shadow (having more substantial brains) desperately tried to get her attention. As the girl stepped forward, the large tome bared a set of teeth that took up nearly its entire cover. It emitted a low growl.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Why grimoire, what big teeth you ha…holy crap!”[/INDENT] [INDENT]The book leapt from its pedestal with its moth wide open, ready to bite Burning Hairs head off. Thankfully, the girl’s reflexes were faster than the rest of her mind. She quickly grabbed the first weapon she saw (a small knife) and slammed it into the book, pinning the thing to the wall. From somewhere nearby she heard a muffled voice. “Oh god, I’m in a books brain! I’m in a books freaking brain!”[/INDENT] [INDENT]This was quite enough for Burning Hair. She hastily exited the library. There was a sound at the kitchen door. “Perhaps it’s the owners.” Burning Hair thought. She ran to the kitchen and threw open the door.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Standing outside were three bald men wearing lame t-shirts and holding various plumbing implements threateningly. One of the men faced away from the door.[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Is this the home of Vinny the Grey, Toni Bigheels and Johnny Serious?” one of the three men asked. “This is Mr. Adrian Wrongway and Associates. We got a message for them, courtesy of one disgruntled werewolf.”[/INDENT] [INDENT]“Yeah,” said the man facing away from the door ”that message is…chaaaarge!” He ran away from the door. There was a short muttering, something along the lines of “Adrian, you idiot.” And the other two pushed their way into the kitchen. Burning hair stumbled backwards, banging into the kitchen table. Her arm was flung backwards where it struck the gun of Vinny the Grey. Nothing happened for two and two thirds seconds….[/INDENT] BANG! [INDENT]The gun went off with a roar; the bullet ricocheted off the wall, then the ceiling fan, then off of the trigger of Toni Bigheels gun before burying itself in one of the bald men, who exploded. Bits of burning thug plastered the kitchen, setting fire to nearly everything in sight, including Burning Hair’s hair. All of this happened within two seconds…[/INDENT][INDENT]Two thirds of a second later, a loud, tinkle-tinkle noise occurred. The noise occurred again as the bullet ricocheted off the wall, and again as it hit the chandelier, and again as it struck the trigger of Johnny Serious’s gun. The second thug was frozen solid. The monkey wrench he had been carrying flew out of his hand and landed in the sink where it smashed the faucet, causing a spray of water to go everywhere. Some of the water froze in the air; some of it spread out and put out several small fires.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Two thirds of a second later came the bang of a gun that was tuned just right. It had a clear path through the kitchen door and it left the cozy cottage only to strike a man running away from it. Adrian Wrongway was hit in the back of the head and was sent, against all normal physics, back in the direction of the kitchen. He crashed into his frozen comrade as he fell, shattering most of the thug to pieces.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Burning Hair casually ran (A difficult thing to do) out of the kitchen and towards the nearest bathroom. She put out her scalp in the shower, a process she had gotten rather used to over the years. “Well, it’ll grow back…. again.” Her shadow heaved as if sobbing. It cared more about it’s hair than Burning Hair did.[/INDENT] [INDENT]The three hit men came back from their walk to a grisly cottage. Toni Bigheels was the first to notice something was amiss “Hey Vinny, you leave the door open…wait, you smell smoke?” the three rushed in and immediately noticed the flaming corpse of the first thug. Vinny’s gun had left a scorch mark on the table when it fired. “Hey, somebody’s been whacked with my gun!” he exclaimed.[/INDENT] [INDENT]Toni stepped in a puddle of slush and bits of semi-frozen goon. “Oh yuck, these are new shoes. I hope this comes out…wait a sec, somebody’s been whacked with my gun!” Johnny serious was the last to enter. “Wait, I know this guy. Adrian Wrongway. He used to do jobs on the lower east side. Hey…looks like somebody whacked him with my gun…and here she is!”[/INDENT][INDENT]Burning Hair leveled Johnny Serious’s gun at the trio. She thought it was rude to kill someone in their own home however, and so she put down the gun. “Er, look this has been a really weird day for me and I’m guessing it’s been one for you three also.” She explained her situation. The three hit men appeared to be quite happy to have a sorceress around to keep an eye on all the strange magical things in their cottage. They called her Bonnie Red-Hair and lived as happily together as an accident-prone magic user and three hit men can.[/INDENT] [/QUOTE]
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