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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Pielorinho" data-source="post: 1170523" data-attributes="member: 259">Dave,Honestly, if you'd put "broken teeth" in as the name of the wolf, it wouldn't have been that much better <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />.  Unless you'd had a cool and brief backstory for the wolf's name, of course, which figured into the adventure. I sort of got the unicorn-betraying-the-forest vibe (I forgot when judging about the unicorn-betraying-the-PCs -- when I was re-skimming the thread for ingredients, I noticed the bolded betrayal only.  Mea culpa in part).  However, you mention that the unicorn believes its death will end all hope for the forest, and that the satyr's plan is pretty risky; these combine to make the unicorn's actions not much of a betrayal of the forest at all.  If the unicorn instead believed that the satyr's plan was likely to work, I would've gotten a much stronger betrayal vibe there.  In any case, a lesson for folks:  if you want to use an ingredient repeatedly through an adventure, that's fine, but it's a good idea to bold each entry so I'll be sure to notice. And the funeral either comes across as an afterthought or not much of a funeral:  a funeral, IMO, is a formal gathering to honor the dead, not a quick incantation over the body to transfer magical energy.  I envisioned what you were talking about occurring likely in the middle of a battle.  With more detail, this could have worked (e.g., one fey might realize that the normal five-hour funeral could be foregone as long as the central phrase were spoken over the unicorn's corpse or something); as it was, it didn't feel very strong to me. It's probably a good idea to set a deadline for yourself of several hours before the actual deadline:  that'll give you a chance to go grab a sandwich, run an errand, then come back and reread your entry to tighten it up and look for places where themes and ingredients need to be brought more to the forefront, explained better, reorganized, etc. Anyway, that's what the writing tutor in me says <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />.  Again, I think it was overall a quite strong entry, and the unicorn especially is a fantastic character.  I hope you don't take my specific criticisms as a negation of my overall praise. Daniel</blockquote>

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