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Message: <blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 2635707" data-attributes="member: 3019">Round One, Set FourBardStephenFoxMarauderX - UntitledMarauderX brings us a tale that unravels in an interesting way.  The opening is a bit heavy with three pictures introduced almost immediatelyInitially they make almost no sense.  But it wraps together at the end.  It is a very interesting tale.The idea and delivery of this story is a little dangerous.  There is the possibility that you will quickly lose the interest of the audience.  While the protagonist's background is interesting, it might be a little too detailed.  You do a good job establishing why the protagonist works on classified projects, but the depth of background ultimately doesn't drive the story forward.  There is a lot of extraneous information in the story.  On one hand it is good to have detail on the protagonist.  On the other hand, it slows the pacing of the story somewhat.  I don't know what the right balance is, but I think a little detail trimming might be in order.Unfortunately there is a tense shift late in the story from past to present tense.  This was a bit jarring.  Anytime I find myself having to read over a sentence or paragraph to be sure I didn't miss something, there is a problem to the story.  With the abundance of detail and the tense shift, I had to break the flow of the story and doublecheck to be sure I didn't miss a crucial detail. Picture Use:It is interesting that you employ each picture twice.  It almost works if you could have found a way to mirror each picture within the dream and then in the reality.  I was worried when I saw so many pictures right at the beginning.  Having read through the story I think it was a clever idea. The picture of the plane really doesn't have much significance to the story.  The plane itself serves as the object of contention, but the integration with the picture doesn't carry the story forward at all.The matches are distinctive because of the picture, but their distinction again doesn't seem an integral part of the story.The picture of Felix seems a bit out of place.  But it is a picture of one of the characters.The picture of the building serves as the bracketing image for the story.  Having it be the last thing the protagonist sees is a nice touch.The picture use here isn't terribly strong.  The pictures are competently included but do not seem to be integral parts of the story.There are some very interesting ideas in the execution of the story.  The underlying idea is interesting and I can quite easily imagine it as an episode in a TV show akin to the Twilight Zone.  But as a written story I think it loses some of it's power in delivery.Spacemonkey - Micro-FurySpacemonkey's entry is a techno-spy-story.  We have some neat techno-gadgets, but in the end it is the work of the agents that matters. The opener is a bit weak.  It is a little confusing as to why we should care.  But you do setup a plausible scene to include the picture of the poisoned Nate later. Your dialog is pretty good.  There are a few places where it could use some rework and polish, but overall it works pretty well. One thing that you managed to convey well was the off feeling of Dawson's actions.  I kept thinking he was the actual bad guy and I was just waiting to see if Kate would pick up the same signals I was.  Some might view this as a weakness.  It would be if you were striving for mystery.  But it isn't necessarily a weakness if you were striving for action.  I didn't consider it a weakness, but if you were working for a mystery element, then I am wrong.I am a bit confused on how big this wedding present is.  Since Kate keeps carrying it under her arm, I kept imagining a large present.  Perhaps the size of an average computer keyboard.  So I was a little surprised when she suddenly sticks this splinter into her hair.  I think a little more description regarding the present would go a long way to clarify the image. Picture Use:The picture of a paralyzed Nate is decent.  The fact that it sets up the conflict for the story is good.You did a good job explaining why the Matchbox was important.  The fact that the object is not quite what it appears to be in the picture is a nice twist.  It is definitely important since it is what Dawson is selling and what Kate is trying to recover.The Shadow wasn't quite as strong.  Mostly it is used as the obligatory high-tech gadget at the disposal of the hero.  The story almost demands such a device because of the genre, but it isn't used in a particularly meaningful manner.The drugstore scrapes by as well.  You need a location for the confrontation and you do a good job tying in the theme of the store to the Matchbox.  But it is a tenuous connection and seems just a little mundane for an exchange on this seeming scale to occur in.Still, you had pretty good picture use all around. Comparison:Unfortunately Ketjak did not finish a story to compare against.  On the positive side, we still have two fun stories from MarauderX and Spacemonkey.  Both stories have elements of high-tech gadgetry and espionage.  I suppose the picture of the plane served as a strong inspiration in this case.[sblock]MarauderX has a good concept but the implementation falls a bit flat for me.  Spacemonkey's story is a solid genre story.  Coupled with stronger picture use, I give this round to Spacemonkey.[/sblock]MaldurKetjak vs. spacemonkey vs. MarauderXKetjakUnfortunately not to be foundSpacemonkeyNice and clean agency/spy story, very vivid imaging, well done.MarauderXThis is a new one (at least as far as I can remember), multiple uses foreach picture. Another "agency/spy"story, it seems that the blackbirdinduces a agecy feel.Nice reverce story, but I suspect taht the story would work better inimages (tv or film). Nifty idea though, well doneJudgement: [sblock]I liked the flow in spacemonkeys story better, so that iswhere my vote goes.[/sblock]Rodrigo Istalindirketjak v Spacemonkey v MarauderXGotta love Ceramic DM.  Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories.Marauder X starts off with a dream sequence, and that can be a real handicap, especially when three of the four pictures are put into play right off the bat.  Still, the tone has a dream-like quality, that mix of the real and surreal.The story picks up when the protagonist awakens.  There is just enough exposition to give the character the necessary amount of background, and to establish him as a good guy.  The banter and interaction with his subordinates also rings true, and sets up later events.   The kidnapping is handled well, although the dialogue was a little jarring  -- the enemies act like competent professionals, but talk like a bunch of good ol' boys.Throughout, the story maintains that detached quality.  The main character seems almost like he's sleep walking through events, awaking only at that point where the events of the dream began to play out in reality.  The symmetry of the beginning and the end doesn't really work, though.  There isn't enough logic to events to make the resolution seem plausible.  It needed to be as tight and grounded in reality as the dream was fantastic -- you want the reader to have that 'A-ha!' moment when everything falls into place, and it just doesn't happen.  Throughout the story, the outline of a pretty neat thriller is there, but the details aren't sufficient to flesh it out.  The 'who' is there, and the 'how', but the 'why' is missing.Picture use is kind of weak.  Pictures in a dream almost always hurt, because its the easy way out.  They are redeemed somewhat by the ending, but not enough.  Using the Blackbird as it was was pretty good, especially as it was central to the events of the story.Spacemonkey --This story starts off with a bang, and establishes an interesting character in Kate right off the bat.  The pacing is good -- start to finish, there is a good blend of action, exposition, and dialogue.  The technobabble hits the right note, and the author does a good job of establishing the Agency and the main players in short order.   Kate's reaction to the death of her friend seems too subdued; yes, she is a secret agent, but having her show more emotion would have added some depth to the character.Tieing the wedding gift into the implement of revenge was a nice touch.  Sending the Shadow off on autopilot as a decoy seemed a little far fetched, though, and the timing was a little off.  Kate's reasoning for suspecting Dawson works, though, and the end confrontation is quick and effective.Picture use is average.  The dead groom is a bit weak -- he's clearly not a corpse.  Similary, the picture of the drugstore is just used as dressing, although the flavor text around it elevates it somewhat.  The Shadow is good, with the nod to the Blackbird, and the matches as technomagical McGuffin is a clever choice.Judgement:  [sblock]Gotta love Ceramic DM.  Two contestants, one set of wierd pictures, and they independently come up with very similar stories.  Spacemonkey takes the prize, though[/sblock]</blockquote>

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