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Message: <blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 2672629" data-attributes="member: 3019">Round One, Set SixRodrigo IstalindirWild Gazebo - Cracked PavementThis story has a surreal, dream-like quality, with some excellent prose. More a stream-of-consciousness effort than a straightforward narrative, which is hard to pull off in Ceramic DM.  Here, the individual vignettes work on an literary level, but don't cohere enough to form a complete story.It's too bad, because the writing is very good, very evocative.  What's lacking is a focus on story. It seems like the words are there to be admired for themselves rather than as a blocks with which to build a story.The picture use suffers for this as well.   Because there is little narrative continuity, the pictures are constrained from having any integration beyond their appearance.  The picture of the couple is very good, and integral to the scene. The circus tent is descriptive, but fits the text well.  The picture of the doorway is also merely descriptive, but of all the pictures, this is the one that seems to throw a shadow over the rest of the story.  The crushed cars seem out of place, included only because the rules required it.Bibliophile - Good AdviceThis story starts off smartly with an early unexpected twist.  There's some unnecessary foreshadowing --  "Somehow, getting shot always seems to ruin my day." gives too much away.  You get to the sudden revelation of the narrator as a hied killer soon enough.  The foreshadowing hurts an otherwise excellent opening.  Still, it's well done, and certainly hooks the reader.The second scene, at the bar in Sydney, works in retrospect, but at the time I was reading it it really provoked a 'Huh?' feeling.  Not bad, necessarily, but the transition was a little rough.  The protagonist seems a little too willing to think the strange events are centered on her, but the story moves to the conclusion where all is explained quickly enough that it carries you through.Nice twist, by the way, on not revealing the character's gender till the end, and using the picture to do it.  The ending is nice, tying together the previous action, and with a good twist.  The writing here is a little awkward; I had to re-read it a couple times to make sure I had everything straight.  The shift is a little abrupt.  A little longer transition between the dialogue between the woman and her angel and the woman-as-angel would help, I think.Picture use is average.  The highlight for me was the picture of the couple, which added something to the story by reversing the expected (for me) appearance of the protagonist.  The clothes on the line is also pretty good.  The crushed cars seems out of place - the appearance of the supernatural would have been better saved for the conclusion.  A more mundane use of the picture would have been better.  The doorway as the safe-house is merely descriptive.Judgement:  [sblock]While Wild Gazebo's story has some really nice writing, and the hint of an underlying story that could be very good, the fragmented nature of the tale keeps it from feeling like a whole.Bilbiophile's story has some jarring transitions, and the pacing is a little off, but overall thiswas a better 'Ceramic DM' entry.[/sblock]BardStephenFoxWild Gazebo - Cracked PavementWild Gazebo offers us a montage of different experiences based aroundthe pictures.This piece has a very artistic feel. Presented experiences that reflectmemories.  Whether the piece is fictional or not is irrelevant becauseof it's attempts to reach artistry.  It is an interesting presentationand it is courageous for the way it steps outside the bounds of atraditional Ceramic DM story. However it does not work for me.There are a few issues here.  First of all, I don't really have enoughof a feel for the character to care.  I obviously do not feel the samerush of emotions from the pictures as the author does.  There are somevery beautiful visuals being constructed from the words to mesh with thepictures, but it isn't enough for me.  Due to the oddness of some of thepictures, they feel more contrived than a freeform exhibit of experienceand emotion.  There isn't enough to tie these events together with acontinuity timeline. This leads to another issue.  Because it isn't aclassic story, it doesn't have a solid flow to the storytelling.In many ways, these issues are not a problem.  I can readily accept thata piece of art doesn't appeal to me and still appreciate the skill inwhich the art was constructed.  I can do that with this story.  But thisis Ceramic DM.  The flow of the story and the importance of the pictureto fit in as seamlessly and relevantly as possible is an importantfactor when I judge.  So how well was all of this integrated?Picture use:The first picture is of the building.  366 Emaner Street; the temple ofloss.  The scene is well described, but the centerpiece is the chair,which I barely notice.  Arguably, the picture is crucial as thecharacter's starting point.  The character referencing the chairthroughout the story does help bring significance to the picture.The second picture is more interesting to me.  This is simply because ofthe language used to describe it.  But the scene described loses contextwith the picture.  With the way the scene is described, I ponder whatthe most significant structure is.  We are presented with theenvironment from afar with the character a small detail in the overallpicture.  This causes the significance of the picture to falter.  If ithad been a picture of a book on a bed, or of the character, it wouldhave felt much more satisfying to me.The story behind the third picture makes me smile slightly.  It isnicely written, but I still don't have enough of a feel for thecharacter to really appreciate the scene for what it is.The fourth picture is of the cars.  I see that there is symbolism here,but again I don't have a strong enough frame of reference to easilyplace it with the character.This picture set baffles me.  Each picture is wonderfully rendered inthe written word.  Each picgture is significant.  But I don't find anyof it to be really engaging.  They work as a montage, but they are notintegrated into a story.  So I am baffled on how to rate it.Individually, each picture works.  But as a whole, it falls apartwithout anything to tie the depicted events together in a meaningful way.Bibliophile - Good AdviceBibliophile presents us with a slightly twisted morality tale.We have a rather despicable protagonist that is being assisted towardfinding the path of goodness.  After several subtle tries, theprotagonist still doesn't question her actions, so the guardian muststep in and offer some advice.  It's a little hokey, but it works as astory.The most compelling thing about the story is the premise.  It is amorality tale, but it is one filled with the hope that even some of theworst folks can find a way to atone.  You just need to stop what you aredoing and recongize those second (tird, fourth, whatever) chances forwhat they are.  Not everyone will enjoy this sort of morality play, butit does work as a device to push the story along.  Though, in the caseof the protagonist, she still doesn't change her ways and must repentbefore she finds the path to goodness.Unfortunately, the events themselves seem a little forced.  This is afault of Ceramic DM stories.  The disparate pictures do not always makefor smooth flowing stories.  Of course, that is also the challenge.  Thestories where the pictures all flow together smoothly are often the beststories.  Despite the forced events, there is still good dialog and aninteresting thread to tie everything together.Picture use:The first picture is of tie-dye shirts in a backyard.  In this case, thecamera zooms back to show the shooter investigating the protagonist.  Iwould have preferred a little better framing on the environment wheretie-dye shirts hanging in somebody's backyard is a little moreexpected.  Otherwise, the picture is a pretty good effort.The second picture is of the cars.  This is one that seems forced.  Wearen't presented with a reason why the cars must be crushed to stop theprotagonist from finishing her current job.  It is an event that justhappens.  It is a Ceramic DM story and an explanation isn't alwaysrequired.  But a solid explanation would do a lot to strengthen thepresentation of the picture.The picture of the angel and the protagonist smoking cigarettes on thebed is slightly absurd.  But it does work because the story taps intosome of that absurdity throughout.The last picture is a revisit to the safehouse.  I admit that I thoughtthe safehouse picture was being used sooner.  But I like where it isbetter.  It would have worked even better if you had tied more detailsinto the story with significance.The picture use is solid enough.  It isn't inspiring, but it works.  Ithink you can tie it up and present it in a stronger format, butI won'tbelabor the point.ComparisonWild Gazebo has some beautiful language to accompany the pictures.  Themontage effect is risky, but it is a worthwhile risk.  Unfortunatelythere isn't enough tieing the montage together.Bibliophile presents a solid 'workhorse' story.  It has flaws and placesto be improved.  But it is a good read and I enjoyed it.[sblock]I really think Wild Gazebo has better picture use when eachpicture is taken out of context.  But that is part of the problem.  Eachpicture is lacking an overall context to drive a story forward.Bibliophile might not have as strong picture use, but there is a storyto read within the pictures.  In this case, the stronger continuitymakes for a more enjoyable story.  I vote for Bibliophile.  Wild Gazebo,I applaud your willingness to take a risk with your piece.  I think itmight be able to work, but it felt flat and detached for me this timearound.  I do hope to see more writing from both authors in thefuture![/sblock]MaldurWildgazeboHaunting, odd, fragmented, nice imagery but a bit disjointed. I feel you can dobeter, it has potential.BibliophileHitmen with a guardain angel, The story left me with a "what?" many things left unadressed, this story needs some work as well.Good but you can do better.[sblock]Tough call, but my judgement goes to WildGazebo for the better proze,still it was more seperate yet beautifull sentences and not a completestory.[/sblock]</blockquote>

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