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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 1842859" data-attributes="member: 225">Firelance, here are my preliminary comments on your story. At least you're now the first to be judged (I know, that's a lame benefit).I don't think posting them should be a problem, even without mythago's agreement.Firelance, "The Gnomish Word for Word"You get me at the first sentence. "Someone had stolen the Quill of Aureon." Who? What? Tell me!What follows is a nice little story about an insane death-loving elf and the gnomish paladin that pursues him."But someone had stolen the Quill of Aureon anyway" made me smile. Very nice. The same with Zilan feeling a little annoyed at his brother for disallowing the enchanting of Zilan's lance. Cute touch.I wasn't too clear about the world you have your heroes inhabit, because most comments and titles are quite contemporary, whereas the background seems more like a fantastic D&D world. So, I can't really accuse you of using too modern a language, but I sure suspect it.I was also not too clear on the significance of the history book that got stolen from the library. Why did the elf need it?I enjoyed the sign language you made up. That was a good touch, even if the symbol for "bridge" was ubiquitous. Also a humorous explanation for the gnomish enthusiasm for a written alphabet.In all, the story really shines in its humor; it's a fine little quirky tale you weave. On the other hand, most conflict is glossed over or ended in a quite convenient manner. Combined with the humor, there's not much tension in your tale, it just flows along merrily. Everything happens just because it does, and there's never really a question to the eventual outcome.A good example is when the elf casts Bagiby's hand (or something like it). He simply casts the spell, and Zilan doesn't do anything to stop him. Then, he's grabbed by the hand, but doesn't really struggle. Instead, he comments "there's not much I could do against it" when the eld draws his blood. That's a little... bloodless for my taste. (And how come the elf knew Zilan's name?)In the mirror cabinet, when the heroes meet the skeletons, howe come the skeletons don't give of a reflection the heroes might notice. And what exactly happens to the guildmaster? After the Allip is gone, the guildmaster is, as well.What I really liked was your description of the bard. The calm voice, the boring lecture (funny, yet contemporary "comparative religion seminary"), a very fun and funny approach!Still, your protagonists remain quite hard to know. We're shown that Zilan knows a lot about words and vocabulary. But we're not told how he knows. In fact, we don't really get to know a lot about him, let alone Amelia. (and from a D&D perspective, how come the bard knows less about gnomish history than a paladin? <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />)You bring up points as they are needed; for example, it would have been nice to know beforehand that the paladin has a waraxe and at least one throwing axe, so it doesn't look like "I need a throwing axe, I'm gonna write one in".And the final paragraph runs close to being worse than an afternoon special."You should do your homeworkd properly" - ugh.Fortunately, you still end on a high note. "Trust me, I'm a paladin." is a *great* quote!All in all, a fast-paced fun story, and a D&D-story to boot (we don't often have that!). Thank you very much, Firelance.THE PICS:The Quill-Thingy-I don't really know what that's supposed to be, myself, so I accept the rotten quill at face value. The quill starts the story off and ends up being quite important for the ritual. It also fits thematically into the whole story; a good use.The girl in the mirror(doesn't she look like Sarah Michelle Gellar? Or is that just me?) Buffy... er, Amelia is the hero's sidekick, and her use of bardic "music" is one of the funnier ones I've read. Still, she remains fairly lifeless even after being instilled with positive energy by Zilan.The signNow, I was dreading the sign in a "fantasy" story, but it together with the bridge helped you sell the story to me as being set in a more contemporary setting. And your explanation of the sign is very funny! Swiftcats/cheetahs, indeed!The BridgeWell, aside from the ever-appearing symbol in gnomish sign language, the bridge is the setting of the final conflict. Here, it really pays off that gnomish signs are so similar, as the elf can easily use the bridge to strengthen his ritual.All in all, your pictures are used competently. I forgive the weaker sign for the funny explanation you give us, and I wish you'd have given us more about Amelia.JUDGEMENTThe strong parts of your story is the humor and the inventiveness of it all. On the other hand, the story lacks details and descritpion, so we neither identify with the characters very much nor do we feel tension as much as would be possible. The idea certainly merits a story, but it could use being fleshed out some more.A promising start-off, Firelance, and I'm really looking forward to your next entry.Note: Even though it wasn't necessary, I somewhat copied the format of my other judgement for consistency.</blockquote>

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