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Message: <blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 1843004" data-attributes="member: 3019">Judgment Round 1.1 - Macbeth vs. Halidar     Berandor   As this is my first judgement, let me start off by saying anyone who's interested should really take barsoomcore up on his offer to review a story. His analyses are usually excellent, helpful an insightful. Furthermore, he's bound to be more technical in his analysis than me, at least.      But now, to our first match-up.     Macbeth: Caille   You have a recognizable style; reading "Caille", I knew it was one of your stories. One of the prominent elements in your entries seems to be a recurring/repeating theme, be it "Fear and Loathing" or "if my life were a story, ..." This repetition can be very efficient, but it runs the danger of being overused and becoming just a neat clever little meta-commentary.      So what is it this time? To me, this time it mostly works. The comments frame the story and infuse it with a little humour. However, the more negative comments detract from my enjoyment of the story.     "...I would have just lost you (...) hello, gaping plot holes" just takes me out of the story. You hadn't lost me before - after all, it seems to be a mythical story, so the place was strange, yet I was willing to go with it, but now you call attention to it. On the other hand, if I had already felt confused by the Caille, now I would know you felt the same way, and I wonder why you didn't amend the problem.      "This would be the training montage." is not an element of a story, more of a movie. This doesn't detract, but it breaks the theme a little. "You would have stopped reading by now." Don't tell me to stop reading -I might just heed your words  <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> . In a way, it seems you're not confident in your story, and that influences my confidence in you, the author. Also, who stops reading when the hero's seemingly lost, when he failed? The reason for the old serials' cliffhanger was that everybody wants to read on in such a situation, wasn't it?      You have some good phrases in your prose, sentences that I like to turnaround in my head to savor the flavor: "hut at the butt crack of dawn", "don't want to go home, I want home to be gone", "sarcasm drips from my words, leaving marks in the dry ground"- great!      Some comments about the protagonist: Considering how dependant he is on modern technology - even at the end, he still thinks in strict time units ("It must be about midnight" instead of "It's in the middle of the night") - why doesn't he take something with him (watch, GPS) after Mende allows him to?      Also, his guilt about having disappointed other people rings false tome. Petro left his home for the city in spite of any relations within the tribe. He *hates* the tribal life, he *hates* Mende and what he represents (Petro uses "hate", at least, even though it's probably too strong a word for what he feels). He doesn't once wonder what his friends in the city, or his boss might think about hjim returning to Africa. His mother doesn't express any expectations towards him. I think you want to imply that Petro came back home because that was what they expected from him, but it didn't become clear to me just why he came back to this place he loathes. He even calls New York his "real home". It just didn't ring true.       Other things rang true. The conversation between Petro and his mother was great, with him wanting to alienate her to make her send him away, and her asking obvious questions ("Still living in New   York?") just to say something and break the tension. Also, the way Petro expresses himself with terms he's grown accustomed to was excellent: "so far awayI won't have wireless" really tells us a lot about him. Funny touches were "So. Revelation. On it's way... now." and "I should be revelating right now". There was a lot of humor in your story, but not too much. A very enjoyable read.    --     Halivar: The Outer Darkness (please excuse my formating if it sucks. I tried!)   The story somewhat reminded me of "The Club Dumas" for personal reasons (discussion of that book right now on this very board!) and the mysterious book. However, the end really diverges from that path,doesn't it?     I don't know what "The Elements of Style" have to say about writing dialogue the way it is pronounced, but to me it had questionable effects. On the one hand, the dialogue tended to pull me out of the story because the words aren't immediately apparent. Also, I get the impression the speaker doesn't know how to spell the words correctly, which of course would make him more a caricature or not very educated instead of simply having an accent. If done overmuch, it does tend to irritate me because I really have to say the dialogue out loud to understand it (or at least pretend to say it out loud ).On the other hand, saying these words is fun and really enhances the flair of the story. I like it when I hear myself speak in Law-zyana drawl.      No matter what, however, you should be consistent in using the accent that way (unless there's good reason not to be), and you weren't always consistent. Sometimes, Davenport says "wanna", "getcha", "tell ya","gotta", and at other times, he doesn't and even makes fun of accents. Madame Bouchier suddenly loses her accent, as well: "I'm prepared toreward you handsomely. All I want is to know if he has it; and if he does, where it is."      On the other hand, when Davenport rushes towards the silhouette of the city, towards safety, I'd think he doesn't necessarily make fun of the accent by calling it "New Or-Leenz" anymore, but even in the OuterDarkness, he still mocks it.      Another problem is "show, don't tell", or rather that you often tell instead of showing. "I know it's something big. Something she wants secret." How does he know? Is it because she wants to employ a small-time crook such as he, or is it because of her posture? Show us." Jack grins evilly. I know it's evil. It's terrible." How does he know? What's so terrible? Show us.     The end would be more effective if we simply witnessed Davenport losing his mind, too. Instead of telling us "because I lost my mind", show us how he loses it, and leave us with the image of a man in the darkness, howling loudly.     Or, take the unsettling picture. You start with "The door opens, and I almost lose my mind." It really sounds as if there's something incredibly shocking in the room, something that demands attention as soon as you enter, leading to instant insanity. But then, it takes several sentences until we know what it is, and then you write, "Why is it unsettling. I don't know."      There are several editing problems in the story, but you already know that, so I won't address it in detail.      Now, that's not to say it's all bad. Far from it. Take some of these gems, for example: "She's so pristine you can clean your bathroom just by uttering her name." "so many screws loose I'm afraid he'll start falling apart in front of me." very, very nice.     "That's when I remembered I didn't speak French." is a great pay-off. It might have made a good ending, too, but perhaps would have been too open-ended.     I also liked that you recall the voodoo priest's words without spelling out for us word by word what happened. It's not difficult to figure out he closed the door from the wrong side, but it's still nice that you trust me to figure it out instead of treating me like a dummy. Just two questions: Why doesn't Davenport admit to reading Poe novels? And why is it strange that Bouchier knew about him not speaking French? Couldn't she have asked around? Anyway, also a very nice story. Thank you.     -     The pictures:   THE CHICKEN: Halivar's hen is an emissary from the voodoo priest with the thick accent  <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />  It is important in that it leads Davenport to the shaman, but otherwise not very central to the plot. Macbeth's chicken is a seemingly very patient loa. It provides for alittle humor ("the chicken can fly me home") and is otherwise central to Petro's quest. Although I do admit as to now being sure whether there are any chicken in Africa's desert.      THE ISLAND: Macbeth gives us a mystical place where shamans go to die, an absurd place in an absurd world. Halivar has the island be the hero's final hope, a sanctuary that he'll never reach, and at the same time a picture woven of darkness.     THE MEDICINE MAN: Halivar's voodoo priest provides us with needed exposition and brings the final conflict about. He also draws a protective spell on the heroso that we may witness him losing his mind first hand. Macbeth's Mende refuses to give us any more exposition that is barely needed before heading off to the Caille. He also leaves a letter filled with "Now..."     THE SHELLS: Macbeth's shells are important in that they serve no function whatsoever, but we believe they do. That's just mean. Halivar's shells are very colourful, as you can see here: "...eight shiny, differently-colored shells, all different colors." They also open a gate to demon-filled worlds, so be careful! All in all, I think both contestants use the pics competently. Macbeth's chicken is a little stronger than Halivar's, but while I really liked the use of the shells in "Caille", Halivar's shells are simply more central to the final outcome.   -   Judgement: Enough already, you say? You want to read the results? Alright, here it is.      "Caille" is a mystical story with humor sprinkled throughout. I find it fits fairly well into an admittedly absurd world. "The Outer Darkness" is a dark thriller with New Orleans, Mardi Gras, Voodoo, foul sorcery and even a dash of Lovecraftian tentacled beasts thrown in - what more can I want? In the end, I would have wanted a little more consistency in style, and a little more description to feed the atmosphere and horror.      POINT TO [spoiler]MACBETH[/spoiler].       Mythago   Both stories made good, if not spectacular, overall use of the pictures. The chicken made it alive, much to my surprise...       Macbeth – “Caille”   The style works very well for the kind of central character we have; he loathes what he feels he has to do, hates the village, is embarrassed to be back, and feels lost without his technology. We don’t really get a sense of why he hates the village, though, other than the lack of wireless. He tells us it’s primitive and backward, but we never see anyone other than Mom and the shaman, and the homecoming could be in any small town. The shaman doesn’t even care if Mende brings his electronics on his revelatory quest. (Does this mean Mende is exaggerating wildly, or that we just aren’t shown what he’s telling is is true? I can’t tell.)     I liked that the story isn’t predictable. We don’t know if Mende is going to fail, if he’s going to give up and try to find a way home, if he’s going to die, or what. We hope he’ll succeed somehow, but it isn’t clear what that path will be. I didn’t like the note left by the shaman—that just seemed jarring, a little too much like another step in a typical quest—but the rest of it worked very well. Mende’s having somewhat petulantly left his gear behind was a nice touch.     I thought the ending was abrupt and hard to buy. Mende goes from “Aw man, this place blows, where’s my iPod” to “With great power comes great responsibility” in a very short narrative time.     And the asides about “If this was a story” only work some of the time. There’s a fine line between the character thinking this believably and it being an author winking at the audience: “See, this is like a training montage! So if it seems cheesy, don’t worry, the people in the story get it too.” Doesn’t work, comes across as apologetic and a crutch.     Halivar – “The Outer Darkness”   Well, you’ve got two stories in here, a parody of hard-boiled detective fiction, and Lovecraftian horror. They don’t mesh well together. It’s one thing to have the central character not take everything seriously (until it is Too Late), but lines like “The name? Rich Davenport, private eye” only work if we’re not meant to take the *story* seriously.     Dialogue is tricky to get right. A long string of approximations gets hard on the reader. It might be better to allude to Mrs. Bouchier’s accent early on and leave it at that. The reader hears it. Davenport’s grousing about how they pronounce “New Jersey” is a great, as is his insistence on sarcastically thinking of the antagonist as “Bou-cheer” works also. (Giving the voodoo shaman a Jamaican accent, not so much.)     And the way Davenport thinks and talks shifts, too. At first he talks like this: “This dame wants somethin' she's not supposed to have, and a no-name private dick is just the one to get it for her,” but by the end he says “I stare at the macabre, pulpy, tentacled monsters with a mix of abject terror and horrific revulsion.” Er…      Show, don’t tell; you could cut the last line or two from the story and it would work fine. You kept it in present tense, so we’re there with the narrator, instead of scratching our heads thinking “And I found out about what happened to you how?”     Judgment this round for [spoiler]Macbeth[/spoiler].       Maldur   Macbeth vs Halivar  Isnt it odd, that Cockrels equal voodoo, in so many peoples minds.      macBeth: Mystic, very personal story. A sense of weirdness and exceptation.    Halivar: Can someone say Chtulhu <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />  Winner: MacBeth     Judgment overall for round 1.1 goes to [spoiler]MACBETH[/spoiler], who goes on to Round 2.</blockquote>

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