Upgrade your account to a Community Supporter account and remove most of the site ads.

Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 1851617" data-attributes="member: 3019">Round 1.4 – Eluvan vs. RangerWickett       Berandor       RangerWickett: Hunger   It is a very mythical tale, in a world where metaphors are given literal meaning, and Hunger takes the form of an emaciated sheep. RangerWickett succeeds at showing us a desolate place, where the sky burns, food is scarce, and the heat "boil(s) dew to searing steam" (great line!). There is a lot that is good about the story; not least of which is its deeper meaning, resonating within me long after I read it.    I smiled at how Rawann perceives his feast: "an entire bat, free from rot". The fact that it is an entire bat is almost unbelievable to him, as is the feeling of fulness that follows. I also enjoyed how he devours his beetles while the other adults look on good-naturedly at his greed.       "a strange platter of crisp, curled strips of meat." o.k, maybe I've read too many Story Hours, but I immediately think of human flesh. I'm also expecting a dark turn -  will he turn into a ghoul? Of course, RangerWickett has other things in mind. Hunger is a spiritual story, a parable that might be told by future shamans to young children. "This is our body." the shaman says, and means it. (oh, and "ouch!") And then, he speaks the words we'd miss if not for Pandaweth's warning (well, truth be told, I paid them little heed despite). A nice little touch is how Rawann deems it strange when he suddenly feels neither hungry nor full, having yet to experience such a feeling.  I must also commend the boy for running three days straight - not a measly feat -, even though he starts to forget his home after this mere three days.       What follows is a myth (told by Hunger). Sadly, I didn't quite grasp the meaning of it, "dreamborn son" and all, and I'm still not sure where this tale fits with the rest of the story. But the introduction to thesheep is wonderful: "a noble, peaceful creature... with sorrowful black eyes. It stood on four legs, its heavy white coat stirring in the mountain gales." I must admit I'd have killed Hunger, too, so afterwards I wasn't sure whether Rawann had succeeded or not, even though I feared for the worst. The difference between the shaman and Rawann's father was well-conceived, and the closing words - as I already mentioned - stayed with me for a goodly time afterwards.       Still, Rawann himself remained aloof to me, filling the role of exemplary youth without coming alive himself. He's just there to show us the Trial of Hunger, we don't know much else about him or, by extension, the rest of the village. Also, the remark about how "the weakness of flesh has its benefits, though they could no longer enjoy them." somehow went past me. The only benefit I could detect in the story was feeling full, and that was a benefit the villagers won't likely have very often, anyway, so why they'd "appreciate" it, I don't know.       Still, a very, very fine entry. Thank you very much, RangerWickett. -       Eluvan: A token gesture   The "strong references to drug use" turned out to be not as bad as I had feared (hey, Germany's right next to the Netherlands), but I appreciate the warning, anyway.   Now, I loved your style! I guess a lot of people may find it too complicated, with overlong sentences and obscure vocabulary, and faced with "At night, Olivia was alone but for her cat who purred and rubbed himself incessantly against her legs as she tried fruitlessly to read the book she had settled down with." - I would have to agree.   Fortunately, you also give us sentences like the following examples (I'd like to quote the whole beginning, but that'd be too much): "It seemed that if only one knew its relevance, this sheep held the answer to kinds of questions." "This question seemed to Daniel so pressing and pertinent that he muttered it out loud, and then scratched his nose and meditated upon it." It doesn't always work (and indeed, you run the risk of confusing the reader), but when it works - I love it!       The story itself drifts along like thoughts in a hung-over mind - fitting, but still it all seemed covered by a gray haze, never becoming really focused to me. You insert tension into the story that is never resolved. Daniel's got 12 hours to pay for the coke - that's what gets us going - but whether he pays them or not, and how, is never explored.   Another problem is that of Daniel's sudden change for good is too sharp a turn, at least the way I see him: "he'd never really got out of the habit of the high life... even if it was now beyond his means" as well as "he always seemed to find a way to work things out somehow" don't let on that Daniel feels reluctant or regretful about his life, and "It was a lie... He was prone to such impulsive acts" only reinforces my impression that he would, and might have done, some morally questionable things to finance his life style. His sudden bout of morals comes too surprising to me to really believe in it.   There is also some stretched credibility in the story, especially concerning Olivia. That it is her who happens upon Daniel is coincidence enough, but that Daniel also finds her home without even knowing her last name is far beyond what I can normally take as a reader, especially since it is not explained away somehow.       On the other hand, the whole sequence with Olivia was very good. The silence in the car - she perhaps a little insecure about the kiss they shared and his appearance, he anxious about his drug use - as well as the moments at the beach... classic.   "The sky an ominous deep grey, with odd shafts of sunlight piercing the clouds and lancing down to earth in radiant glory" - wonderful!   "It was mere chance that led him to put his hands into his trouser pockets... and discover there..." This, on the other hand, doesn't work as good. "Mere chance" that he puts his hands into his pockets? Isn't that something you sometimes? And the brooch isn't exactly "discovered", as he already found it at the beginning of the story.       The switch to Olivia's perspective was a little jarring, and before I could orientate myself, the story is over. It would have been better to stay with Daniel or introduce this perspective earlier. The note was a nice touch, though it left some things unresolved, for example whether "Goodbye" was meant as a suicide note (even an indirect suicide if Daniel visits his dealer without the money). Still, also a story that I really enjoyed. I humbly offer my gratitude to you  <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />        The Pics   Dangerous but Fluffy - the Sheep of Doom   - Eluvan's sheep, though mayhaps blessed with infinite wisdom, still is mostly window dressing when Daniel wakes up from drug haze. That must be jarring, if not scarring.   - RangerWickett gives us Hunger, turning a "noble creature" into a sad being worthy of our compassion, and a focal point for the story. Plus, in the end, another sheep eats its way Alien-like out of Rawann's body.        Bleary Eyes   -RangerWickett has Rawann glance upon a throng of dancing villagers, with what seems to be Pandaweth in focus. Not the strongest of his uses, as even Pandaweth remains a side figure throughout (she she seems to smell strongly, though).   - Eluvan has the object of this pic be Olivia, also a possible companion for the hero that stays alone in the end. While Olivia does have a more central role, and is more fleshed out than her counterpart, the pic appears in a short flashback that seems only to exist for the pic alone.       Brooch (come on now, people! Isn't that a shell? Or am I blind? Seriously, brooch is alright with me.)   - Eluvan's brooch not only wakes our hero before the rose in his button hole is devoured by the sage sheep, but it also brings about Daniel's turn to goodness. The built-in homing device (I suspect) also allows Daniel to locate Olivia's home.   - RangerWickett's brooch shields Rawann from pain and hunger (and Hunger trying to chew its way out of his intestines) - until Rawann's father disposes him of it.       The Wall   - In "Hunger", the wooden fence with an ad on it transforms into a forbidding black wall of stone, tar, oil and shaman skulls, making Rawann at least 10 feet tall in perspective.   - Eluvan's Daniel looks upon the fence together with Olivia (and/or, while she's gazing at him sideways), and regains his composure. It is here Daniel manages to break his cycle of self-destruction, returning the brooch to its owner.       The judgement   Now, where are we?    We have a stylistically impressive story about redemption, and a mythical parable about mercy.    Eluvan's story is good, but I would have liked it to take more risks in its proceeding, as well as to have a better conclusion. RangerWickett, on the other hand, didn't bring his hero alive to me, but left me thinking about the story afterwards - a great accomplishment for something written on such time constraints.   So, I award my POINT TO [spoiler]RANGER_WICKETT[/spoiler], as well as another heartfelt "wow". I'm looking forward to your next entry, should you advance.       Maldur   RangerWickett  Morality tale, a bit gruesome, but it did show a different outlook on a life with magic, and sarcifice. You could almost scream at the kid when he went wrong.   Eluvan  For me this story read a bit wrong, Im not sure what it was but the flow was off. Could be personal preference I don’t know. But it just didn’t sing. I liked the idea, the reconstruction of the day gone by.   My point goes to RangerWicket       Mythago       RangerWickett – Hunger   Nice integration of the sheep and wall, decent use of the dancers, eh use of the flower/brooch thing. It’s an unusual shape; why is this food-obsessed society picking something so un-food-related and strange?       I thought the results of the ‘test’ were a bit odd. Wouldn’t they lose an awful lot of kids that way? If nothing else, they’ve been raised all their lives not to let meat keep walking around. That said, the evocation of the mood and atmosphere was wonderful: the bat free of rot, the hungry children, the adults cutting strips of their own flesh happily, the bleak and blasted landscape. If it was meant to be a downer of a no-win situation, though, I’d like to have seen that failure hinted at a little more. As presented, the ending reminded me of one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books where turning to page 37 means instant death for no apparent reason other than plot.       Eluvan – A Token Gesture   A nice, compact little narrative. Use of the pin and the women pictures was very well-done. The sheep was really a bit of a throwaway; it’s the first thing Daniel sees but it’s pretty much window-dressing. I felt that the story was uneven and, in places, a little incredible—I found it very hard to believe that Olivia would just happen to drive past the strange guy who paid her and her friends’ way the night before, happily let him (dirt and all) into her car, and drive him around. Daniel’s sudden reversal from high-living drug dealer to contrite and moral was awfully fast. For love of Olivia? He did *just* meet her, and it didn’t seem real to me that a largely amoral high-roller would have an attack of conscience about a piece of jewelry.       Which is to say, I liked the beginning, I liked the end, I wanted to see more in the middle that got us from one to the other. The length wasn’t a problem; the detail was.       I give the nod this round to [spoiler]RangerWickett.[/spoiler]       Congratulations to you both, and [spoiler]RangerWickett goes on to Round 2.[/spoiler]</blockquote>

Verification