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Message: <blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 1851662" data-attributes="member: 3019">Round 1.5 – Boojum vs. orchid blossom       Maldur   Orchid Blossom  First imprssion: “no, not one of those flipflop through time stories” but it was quite nice. Chtulloid stories are a favourite in ceramic Dm it seems.   Boojum  Secret agent kobolds, demons, guns, ant-enforcers. This world seems interesting, do you have more?    My point goes to Orchid Blossom, even though I liked Boojum’s idea better, Orchid’s execution was better.        Mythago       orchid blossom – the trench was a throwaway, the cloak mediocre, the other two pictures very nicely used. The contrast between the two couples was interestingly handled; William really seems to love his bride, Seth comes across as kind of a jerk, both face the very mixed blessing of the Boggart with uneven results. I liked the fact that the two stories were not exactly parallel, and it’s Deanna who really saves herself; but I found myself not caring very much about whether Seth and Deanna are in love. We don’t really see their affection much. They date again because the story needs them to. You do a much better job of making William sympathetic and his love of Margaret believeable.        The prose flows nicely, but jettison the adverbs. We don’t need to be told that William “asked anxiously,” because that is (or should be) obvious. Seth’s talking, he’s not in a courtroom, so why is he “objecting”? Margaret crows and purrs in the same sentence. And the characters are fidgety, hardly able to talk without moving or acting to emphasize that, darn it, they’re talking.       The Boggart is nicely drawn. The line about “brighten the lady’s eye, or blind it” is wonderful.       Boojum – Again, a story that uses the drinks as a good central piece, and the use of the trench as Tendrilscars—an important plot point—justifies its presence in the storyline. The hood is pretty weak, though.        I found myself both liking and disliking the mixture of fantasy/DnD with anachronism. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it bleeds over into being a little too cute. Overall the storyline runs along just fine—and then it stops, with the kobold and Halfling going on to more adventures. We don’t really have a resolution of the first part of the story; and I felt that it makes Yelmak’s daring escape less like a break from a life of slavery and more like an inconvenience, a chase scene from a spy movie.       The prose jerks around too much at times. “Barely even noting the ostentatious richness of the decorations?” Too much action crammed in not because it’s believable (either Yelmak notices the ostentatious stuff or he doesn’t, probably the latter because he’s seen it so often), but because you’re describing it to the reader. If it’s not new to Yelmak, why is it new to us? This kind of thing gets in the way of an otherwise really interesting storyline. It’s like a sleek sports car with square tires.       My judgment this round is for [spoiler]Boojum[/spoiler] for a more captivating storyline.       Berandor       Boojum: "No title"   You begin strong; the first paragraph gets me going immediately. A kobold? I like it. The impatient Yelmak almost shouting his displeasure out loud was fun, too. Immediately, there is life in your story.       However, then your sentences often get too long, as early as the second paragraph. Most of the times, you could cut half the words and still keep the gist intact. In fact, it would make your prose stronger. "As he did so, he rehearsed again in his mind the details of the plan that had just been interrupted when the head steward had ordered him to take the appetizer tray out." Phew! How about a shorter version: "As he did so, he rehearsed his plan again, cursing the head steward for interrupting him (with his orders)."   "He would bring the tray of glasses he had filled with the clear liquor known as ochleq to Melchor Vorstad at the head of the table in preparation for the toast to begin the feast." We don't need to know the liquor's name, if you want to be nit-picky. How about: "He would bring the glasses full of ochleq (or "of liquor") to Melchor Vorstad, just in time for the toast to begin the feast."       Also, try to look out for the following words: Begin/start: when you use them, you imply a stop later on. So "His teeth began to chatter..." would become "his teeth chattered" or even "with chattering teeth". The sentence gets shorter, clearer, and also more potent.    seem/appear: 4 out of 5 times, you can cut this word and end up with a better sentence. "Something just seemed utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish..." Better would be "Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished..." When you use "seem" to qualify something, you make it appear doubtful. But the demons *have* strange shapes, and they *do* finish.   somehow/something/etc.: These words tell us nothing. There are situations when you have to use them, but without a distinct reason for the lack of information you can normally just cut these sentences without damaging your story, as you haven't told us anything, anyway. Plus, using them makes you sound insecure, so not using them is actually good.    Can/be able to: Really, if a character can do something, just let him do it. It's much stronger that way.   know (that): Likewise, if the protagonist knows something, just tell us. We are reading from his perspective, anyway. By using "know" you just sow doubt where none is needed: "He knew that it would have relayed his location" - "It would have relayed his location".       With all that in mind, here's almost a full paragraph:   "A little ways south of the spot he had fallen, he was barely able to make out an indistinct number of shadowy shapes milling around the spot where his bundle had landed, doing something with it. Somehow, the sight of them instantly filled him with an indescribable sense of dread and unease. Something just was utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish with whatever it was and began moving off in various directions, several appearing to be coming towards him."   Now, in your words, but almost half the length:   "Where his bundle had landed, he made out a number of shadowy shapes milling about. The sight instantly filled him with indescribably dread. Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished whatever they were doing and moved off in various directions, several coming towards him."       Now, enough of that. I like the Kobold Liberation Army and Agent Yelmak a lot. Indeed, you fill your story with some cool ideas, from being turned into a giant chicken (though whether an "empire would crumble" from that, I don't know) over the fan-transmitter up till the cloud ship in the end. Using formians as police is ingenious (and stolen for my campaign). The "Devourer" is and stays mysterious (I assume the light arcs are his doing).  I enjoyed your use of dialect; it was fun and not overdone.   The end seemed (<img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" />) a little hastily assembled in that it doesn't feel like closure, more like the end of a chapter. It might be that the rescue simply happens too quick and easy. Still, I enjoyed the story. Thank you.       orchid blossom: "Then and Now"   A very fine entry (once again). Right at the beginning, you bring up my favorite line: "I want an other that is actually significant". The "Summer 1998" insert felt real to me, especially the part about missing the little things that you hadn't even noticed any more before.       The structure of the story is demanding. With two parallel layers, you must take care to keep the tension and to not repeat yourself. While ably managing it most of the time, I felt that "Fall 1998" was superfluous. Do we really need to see Seth buying the glasses, just to meet the Boggart?   I also felt that both layers could have used a little more... just more. The chapters are short, and the whole story is hort, as well. I felt it went back and forth a little too quick sometimes, not allowing me to get a feel for any one of the layers, and weakening the Boggart's threat in doing so.       "1863" confused me a little. "It had been easier to find her when they still lived in the city.." implies that William and Margaret have moved, but then William heads off to the same trench he buried the figurine in? So did they move before he buried it, or did the figurine re-appear in this trench and I just didn't get it?   Also, the switch to the Boggart's perspective didn't quite mesh. Perhaps it would be better with italics to set it off somehwat?        Anyway, back to the good - and there's lots of good here. Your dialogue is very strong. People do talk like that. I liked the contrast between Maggie and Deanna - how they both regard the figurine, whether they wanted "their man" before the glasses - leading to Maggie’s defeat and Deanna defeating the Boggart. I hope you didn't intend then end to be ominously threatening, because I found it to be consoling, a nice change of pace when most entries end on a darker note.   It wasn't your best, but still a very strong story, orchid blossom. I had great fun reading it, and later on dissecting it. Thank you.       The pics   Glasses   - orchid blossom strings the story around these glasses. To toast with them brings about love and devotion - and the Boggart. Two couples fall under their spell, with mixed results.   - Filled with ochleq (now doesn't that tasty? <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" />), Boojum's glasses are to be used in a devious plan. Unfortunately, one of the scullions already drank the chicken potion. Yelmak flees, and the glasses are forgottten in a nearby alcove.       Figurine   - Boojum instills it with life and presents us with Mohai and Binster, an old halfling and his mule companion. Mohai saves Yelmak's hide and aids him in his survival. As a result, Yelmak takes him with him to the KLA.   - orchid blossom has the Boggart, part figurine, part marriage counselor and part Indian street merchant, giving couples a few years of happines before driving them to make like Cathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in "The War of the Roses". The Boggart is the villain of the piece.       Trench   - orchid blossom has a trecnh, by "some inscrutable reason", and nobody is "able to tell [us] why it [is] there". But at least the figurine gets buried in it.   - Boojum gives us "tendrilscars", caused by the Devourer when it extends a "tendril of pulsing light" to destroy order. A cool image, and a great hiding place, to boot.       Cloak   - Boojum's cloak is given thrown to Yelmak, which is about the extent of its involvement. At least the kobold is no longer naked. –    orchid blossom fills the cloak with a benevolent Nazgûl, sniffing out parakeets and Boggarts. It is a short appearance, but it's there. And I wouldn't have wanted to see that Nazgûl without it, thank you very much - the kobold was enough.       The Judgement   Boojum's tale is full of neat ideas, and stories about kobolds are always welcome. However, orchid blossom has a more accomplished style and presents a fine entry herself. The stronger prose and use of pics prevails, so I present my  POINT TO [spoiler]ORCHID BLOSSOM[/spoiler].       Winner this round is [spoiler]orchid blossom 2-1[/spoiler], who goes on to Round 2.</blockquote>

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