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Fear and Loathing for Logg's Angus
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<blockquote data-quote="Jack7" data-source="post: 4878520" data-attributes="member: 54707"><p><strong>Falfla, Part Four: A Lament for Lamia</strong></p><p></p><p><strong>Our story so far:</strong> Our intrepid hero hears the siren song of the White Rabbit while being flayed in his mind. In the middle of that he discovers a Sea Hag. Then something else happens but no body seems to be able to remember that part. More Sea Hag, possibly followed by more of that. Not absolutely sure, but it’s a good guess.</p><p></p><p>Continuing on our hero bathes with his buddies and decides to have brunch. His woman Wanda warns him against all of the steak-fries and Wizardly claptrap. Our hero wonders what that might mean if nobody is looking.</p><p></p><p>In part three we have a song and a happy go lucky Bard about town. Good times. At this point our story takes a strange and wonderful turn, as there is suddenly a surprising and totally unanticipated close encounter with a new friend and his home made hot rod. Then while our cluster of comrades make their way cautiously back to their camp sinister forces watch from the black of the night and gather to surround them… Hold on to your helmets good people, it’s about to get hairy again.</p><p></p><p>________________________________________________________</p><p></p><p style="text-align: center"><strong>FALFLA, PART FOUR: A LAMENT FOR LAMIA</strong></p> <p style="text-align: center"><strong></strong></p><p></p><p>We were almost back to camp, just about within spit-shine distance, when I suddenly heard a weird noise. Using my amazing powers of hearing and a tin-horn I keep as a back-up ammo case and spit wad gun I rolled a lucky number seven and promptly crapped out. Butt that’s not the end of the story true believers. I took an extra action point and decided if this wasn’t going anywhere then it must mean either I was about to be over-Hydrated again, or more than likely, I was about to be the victim of a random encounter. And boy was I right about that.</p><p></p><p>Busting through the trees and the scrub grass like a herd of hungry jack-rabbits was a whole gang a’dopples. They were led by a Lamia whose prominent and enflamed boobies seemed really outta place for this neck of the woods, because sure, yeah, her boobies were shape-shifters alright, but they also appeared as drunk leprechauns in chorus girl outfits. (Thus their nickname among adventurers, the German-Irish Chaun Artists.) The really nasty and awful sad part was they couldn’t even color coordinate properly. And since magenta is very last year I felt kinda ashamed to be attacked by the lot of em, especially given the laws in the area concerning interstate commerce. </p><p></p><p>Still I thought I probably knew the Lamia from somewhere and this was verified when she gave me a wink and a nod and shouted out, “Kill that guy with the sitar who smells like su-monsters, dipping snuff, and elven grown tingleberries.” I found it hard to believe that anybody knew about the su-monsters. That was supposed to have been wiped from my record when I turned eighteen.</p><p></p><p>At that point her boobies all took a run straight at Jyles, I guess because they thought tingleberries were blue. </p><p></p><p>“Not him you idiots, the one who looks like he could trick you into paying for your own engagement ring!” It was right then I recognized her. </p><p></p><p>“Oh, hey Lilith. How ya been?”</p><p></p><p>“We’ll talk afterwards lover,” she screamed. “But right now I’m gonna kill ya first.”</p><p></p><p>“I understand,” I said good-naturedly, but I had to admit, it was a bit awkward. The last time I had seen her she was flat on her back in our ranch house stable getting her undercoat brushed, smoking an imported Chubanian, and talking about how our children would have really shiny coats, big, strong teeth, and beautiful skin. Right after that she starting platting her mane, used her tail to flick a bottle fly off of my face and told me that she’d love me forever. So I told her I was going to buy some Longbottom chewing tobacco, and accidentally called her Rachel on my way out the door for the next county. I guess I got busy after that as I never went back. Why females take that kinda thing personally I’ve never understood, but then again I don’t make the rules. </p><p></p><p>As it turned out I was right, it was indeed a purely random and yet vengeful encounter. Sure it didn’t make much sense out here in the woods, running into her of all… well, whatever she was, but who is gonna argue with a random encounter chart? It’s like arguing with Fate or the Dice or detention class statistical progressions or something else I never learned the term for. In cases like that it’s always better to just take what you get, no matter how ridiculous, and hope you can close the deal by the time for your next love-ballad and round of lard-cakes to queue up.</p><p></p><p>Now when everybody saw that the dopplechauns had peeled off of Jyles and were headed for me the party all formed a circle with me at the right end. Or maybe it was the wrong end cause Lilith could still see me and I wasn’t sure but I thought she was muttering something about <em>“draining his blood out his spine and making him pay the court costs.”</em> Now a good old fashioned Spinal Tap is one thing, and depending on how it’s done I got no real argument with that, but there was no way I was paying court costs.</p><p></p><p>After that it was all kind of a blur. There were several seconds of swords, daggers, fangs, claws, broomsticks and feather dusters whoosh-whooshing and chopping through the air, followed by several minutes of panting, heavy breathing and what sounded like horse snorts. Somebody screamed out, <em><strong>“Darkon loves Baalzebulb!”</strong></em> - I never knew who, or why even - but that confused all of the dopplechauns who thought it meant the Sith and Hutts had finally arrived. But it was really just an overweight Clay Golem on a personal mobility scooter. He had come to deliver the take-out. How come those guys always get there at just the right time?</p><p></p><p>Anyways I had the Angus charge over and knock him off his chair and into the fight. His heart didn’t seem in it though cause all he did was gripe and moan and groan about “if he only had a brain then he’d have left that dame a long time ago.” I had to agree with him on that one. Brains apparently weren’t his strong suit.</p><p></p><p>Still after Wanda threw an anti-depressant spell he perked up pretty good and soon enough we had all the dopplechauns beaten down to Sprites, or at least to Pixies with a bad case of the counting coup. </p><p></p><p>“How do ya like that ya boobies?” I screamed. “Who’s ya momma now!”</p><p></p><p>Jyles looked at me sorta sideways and said, “These creatures are henchmen. Why do you keep calling them boobies?”</p><p></p><p>I was gonna answer but right at that moment Lilith trotted over at a prancing high step and gored me hard in the testaculars. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that other than with the vomiting and the unconsciousness and all. But when I came to again I saw Lilith and Wanda talking among themselves in a little gal-fab. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not but I was pretty sure I was looking at another hernia, and maybe some more court costs.</p><p></p><p>Rolph sat me up and Jyles took his rod and hit me in the groin. I vomited again and I thought I saw Broadway all lit up, or maybe it was Toledo after a cheap bull fight, but then the pain went away like… well… like magic.</p><p></p><p>“Hey, that’s pretty neat guy. Does that thing cure spite wounds too?” I asked.</p><p></p><p>“No, not usually, but it does deliver morphine in concentrated doses,” he replied. “But just to be safe I also placed a hypnotic suggestion in your mind that you are now a Eunuch named Lord Hamperstamm, and that you are probably also the late Earl of Knuttingwall. You may also have a dry mouth and suffer allergies around blue or tingle berries for the next several days but after that the swelling should recede, and you should return to semi-normal. However that is normally defined.”</p><p></p><p>“Care to hazard a guess on that score?” I asked him.</p><p></p><p>“If it’s all the same to you fella, no, not really,” he replied.</p><p></p><p>So I thanked him for his ministrations and then walked kinda slow and funny over to the ladies. “Hey gals,” I said cheerfully. “Who wants first crack at me this time? I think I’ve been hammered by Jyles already so we’re good as far as that goes. But I also think I’ve got a lot of money too now. Something about living in the Hampertons. Is that some kinda selling point?”</p><p></p><p>“You’re supposed to be a Eunuch now you idiot!” shouted Lilith.</p><p></p><p>“Yeah, about that,” I said. “I think I accidentally may have made my saving throw or something cause I’m not really sure what that word means. But if it has something to do with flapjacks and water weirds then I’m totally there dudes. Plus if you two wanna try and nurse me back to health then I promise ya the best twelve hours or so of your life that none of us will never remember again.”</p><p></p><p>I’m not certain but I think that Lilith must have gotten cooties in the wilderness on the way over cause she suddenly started stompin and buckin around real good and before I knew it I took three hooves to the head in quick succession. Pretty hard.</p><p></p><p>On the way down to the ground I noticed somebody riding sideways into the clearing on the back of a big Brahma Bull singing something about funky town and Able Seaman Jones. Oh great, I thought, just what we all need. A visit from Happy Jack. About that time I took a fourth hoof to the head and everything went black again. And I’m still not sure that fourth hoof was purely an accident. </p><p></p><p></p><p><em>By the way folks, if you’re enjoying this thrilling and fun serial adventure then be sure and send me a postcard telling me what’s wrong with ya. Then we’ll both know.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jack7, post: 4878520, member: 54707"] [b]Falfla, Part Four: A Lament for Lamia[/b] [B]Our story so far:[/B] Our intrepid hero hears the siren song of the White Rabbit while being flayed in his mind. In the middle of that he discovers a Sea Hag. Then something else happens but no body seems to be able to remember that part. More Sea Hag, possibly followed by more of that. Not absolutely sure, but it’s a good guess. Continuing on our hero bathes with his buddies and decides to have brunch. His woman Wanda warns him against all of the steak-fries and Wizardly claptrap. Our hero wonders what that might mean if nobody is looking. In part three we have a song and a happy go lucky Bard about town. Good times. At this point our story takes a strange and wonderful turn, as there is suddenly a surprising and totally unanticipated close encounter with a new friend and his home made hot rod. Then while our cluster of comrades make their way cautiously back to their camp sinister forces watch from the black of the night and gather to surround them… Hold on to your helmets good people, it’s about to get hairy again. ________________________________________________________ [CENTER][B]FALFLA, PART FOUR: A LAMENT FOR LAMIA [/B][/CENTER] We were almost back to camp, just about within spit-shine distance, when I suddenly heard a weird noise. Using my amazing powers of hearing and a tin-horn I keep as a back-up ammo case and spit wad gun I rolled a lucky number seven and promptly crapped out. Butt that’s not the end of the story true believers. I took an extra action point and decided if this wasn’t going anywhere then it must mean either I was about to be over-Hydrated again, or more than likely, I was about to be the victim of a random encounter. And boy was I right about that. Busting through the trees and the scrub grass like a herd of hungry jack-rabbits was a whole gang a’dopples. They were led by a Lamia whose prominent and enflamed boobies seemed really outta place for this neck of the woods, because sure, yeah, her boobies were shape-shifters alright, but they also appeared as drunk leprechauns in chorus girl outfits. (Thus their nickname among adventurers, the German-Irish Chaun Artists.) The really nasty and awful sad part was they couldn’t even color coordinate properly. And since magenta is very last year I felt kinda ashamed to be attacked by the lot of em, especially given the laws in the area concerning interstate commerce. Still I thought I probably knew the Lamia from somewhere and this was verified when she gave me a wink and a nod and shouted out, “Kill that guy with the sitar who smells like su-monsters, dipping snuff, and elven grown tingleberries.” I found it hard to believe that anybody knew about the su-monsters. That was supposed to have been wiped from my record when I turned eighteen. At that point her boobies all took a run straight at Jyles, I guess because they thought tingleberries were blue. “Not him you idiots, the one who looks like he could trick you into paying for your own engagement ring!” It was right then I recognized her. “Oh, hey Lilith. How ya been?” “We’ll talk afterwards lover,” she screamed. “But right now I’m gonna kill ya first.” “I understand,” I said good-naturedly, but I had to admit, it was a bit awkward. The last time I had seen her she was flat on her back in our ranch house stable getting her undercoat brushed, smoking an imported Chubanian, and talking about how our children would have really shiny coats, big, strong teeth, and beautiful skin. Right after that she starting platting her mane, used her tail to flick a bottle fly off of my face and told me that she’d love me forever. So I told her I was going to buy some Longbottom chewing tobacco, and accidentally called her Rachel on my way out the door for the next county. I guess I got busy after that as I never went back. Why females take that kinda thing personally I’ve never understood, but then again I don’t make the rules. As it turned out I was right, it was indeed a purely random and yet vengeful encounter. Sure it didn’t make much sense out here in the woods, running into her of all… well, whatever she was, but who is gonna argue with a random encounter chart? It’s like arguing with Fate or the Dice or detention class statistical progressions or something else I never learned the term for. In cases like that it’s always better to just take what you get, no matter how ridiculous, and hope you can close the deal by the time for your next love-ballad and round of lard-cakes to queue up. Now when everybody saw that the dopplechauns had peeled off of Jyles and were headed for me the party all formed a circle with me at the right end. Or maybe it was the wrong end cause Lilith could still see me and I wasn’t sure but I thought she was muttering something about [I]“draining his blood out his spine and making him pay the court costs.”[/I] Now a good old fashioned Spinal Tap is one thing, and depending on how it’s done I got no real argument with that, but there was no way I was paying court costs. After that it was all kind of a blur. There were several seconds of swords, daggers, fangs, claws, broomsticks and feather dusters whoosh-whooshing and chopping through the air, followed by several minutes of panting, heavy breathing and what sounded like horse snorts. Somebody screamed out, [I][B]“Darkon loves Baalzebulb!”[/B][/I] - I never knew who, or why even - but that confused all of the dopplechauns who thought it meant the Sith and Hutts had finally arrived. But it was really just an overweight Clay Golem on a personal mobility scooter. He had come to deliver the take-out. How come those guys always get there at just the right time? Anyways I had the Angus charge over and knock him off his chair and into the fight. His heart didn’t seem in it though cause all he did was gripe and moan and groan about “if he only had a brain then he’d have left that dame a long time ago.” I had to agree with him on that one. Brains apparently weren’t his strong suit. Still after Wanda threw an anti-depressant spell he perked up pretty good and soon enough we had all the dopplechauns beaten down to Sprites, or at least to Pixies with a bad case of the counting coup. “How do ya like that ya boobies?” I screamed. “Who’s ya momma now!” Jyles looked at me sorta sideways and said, “These creatures are henchmen. Why do you keep calling them boobies?” I was gonna answer but right at that moment Lilith trotted over at a prancing high step and gored me hard in the testaculars. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that other than with the vomiting and the unconsciousness and all. But when I came to again I saw Lilith and Wanda talking among themselves in a little gal-fab. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not but I was pretty sure I was looking at another hernia, and maybe some more court costs. Rolph sat me up and Jyles took his rod and hit me in the groin. I vomited again and I thought I saw Broadway all lit up, or maybe it was Toledo after a cheap bull fight, but then the pain went away like… well… like magic. “Hey, that’s pretty neat guy. Does that thing cure spite wounds too?” I asked. “No, not usually, but it does deliver morphine in concentrated doses,” he replied. “But just to be safe I also placed a hypnotic suggestion in your mind that you are now a Eunuch named Lord Hamperstamm, and that you are probably also the late Earl of Knuttingwall. You may also have a dry mouth and suffer allergies around blue or tingle berries for the next several days but after that the swelling should recede, and you should return to semi-normal. However that is normally defined.” “Care to hazard a guess on that score?” I asked him. “If it’s all the same to you fella, no, not really,” he replied. So I thanked him for his ministrations and then walked kinda slow and funny over to the ladies. “Hey gals,” I said cheerfully. “Who wants first crack at me this time? I think I’ve been hammered by Jyles already so we’re good as far as that goes. But I also think I’ve got a lot of money too now. Something about living in the Hampertons. Is that some kinda selling point?” “You’re supposed to be a Eunuch now you idiot!” shouted Lilith. “Yeah, about that,” I said. “I think I accidentally may have made my saving throw or something cause I’m not really sure what that word means. But if it has something to do with flapjacks and water weirds then I’m totally there dudes. Plus if you two wanna try and nurse me back to health then I promise ya the best twelve hours or so of your life that none of us will never remember again.” I’m not certain but I think that Lilith must have gotten cooties in the wilderness on the way over cause she suddenly started stompin and buckin around real good and before I knew it I took three hooves to the head in quick succession. Pretty hard. On the way down to the ground I noticed somebody riding sideways into the clearing on the back of a big Brahma Bull singing something about funky town and Able Seaman Jones. Oh great, I thought, just what we all need. A visit from Happy Jack. About that time I took a fourth hoof to the head and everything went black again. And I’m still not sure that fourth hoof was purely an accident. [I]By the way folks, if you’re enjoying this thrilling and fun serial adventure then be sure and send me a postcard telling me what’s wrong with ya. Then we’ll both know.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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