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Free PDF download - "Locus - Jalston"
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<blockquote data-quote="mythusmage" data-source="post: 149820" data-attributes="member: 571"><p>Mark, overall I like it. But...</p><p></p><p>(Don't you hate those "buts"?<img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />)</p><p></p><p>English composition was not your strong suit in school, was it? Your sentence structure is not quite as mangled as some of the postings I've seen on Usenet, but 'tis a close run thing. There were places where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, and I used to translate Gygax.</p><p></p><p>It needs a re-write. A thorough re-write. You have a good start, but it aint done yet. Let me put it this way, I'd wear out at least three red pencils on the thing and have about ten pages of notes on it.</p><p></p><p>That's not good.</p><p></p><p>To put it another way, if you had sent it out as a text file I'd be sending it back 'bout now with tons of revisions and corrections. At least it's not in Zapf Chancery (beautiful font, but a royal pain if you want to do some serious reading).</p><p></p><p>So re-write, clarify, tighten up. It can be so much better. </p><p></p><p>BTW, did I mention it needs a re-write?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mythusmage, post: 149820, member: 571"] Mark, overall I like it. But... (Don't you hate those "buts"?:)) English composition was not your strong suit in school, was it? Your sentence structure is not quite as mangled as some of the postings I've seen on Usenet, but 'tis a close run thing. There were places where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, and I used to translate Gygax. It needs a re-write. A thorough re-write. You have a good start, but it aint done yet. Let me put it this way, I'd wear out at least three red pencils on the thing and have about ten pages of notes on it. That's not good. To put it another way, if you had sent it out as a text file I'd be sending it back 'bout now with tons of revisions and corrections. At least it's not in Zapf Chancery (beautiful font, but a royal pain if you want to do some serious reading). So re-write, clarify, tighten up. It can be so much better. BTW, did I mention it needs a re-write? [/QUOTE]
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