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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Majoru Oakheart" data-source="post: 2180630" data-attributes="member: 5143">Well, this is going to be long, so bear with me as I'd like to address as many points as possible.First, for those who care, I showered right before posting this.I didn't expect to go this far into my personality, but since we're here:fusangite: I keep having plans to go on Atkins.  I agree with some of what you say, but I think you have me slightly wrong.  I agree with your methods and I appreciate what you are trying to do.Empress: I think you have me the closest to who I am except a couple things you have are wrong.  I never said I didn't shower.  I just said some days I didn't.  See, in a way, it is your problem if you didn't want me around.  After someone smokes, they smell horrible to me.  I mean REALLY horrible.  I can barely stand being in the same room with them.  I have an allergy to smoke as well.  However, my best friend smokes.  I don't like it, but I put up with it because I like him and I don't think the smell that is around him nearly constantly is enough to lose a friend over or prevent me from gaining a new one.  I have the same reaction to most perfumes and aftershaves, can't STAND the smell of them and a lot of women I've met smell from 5 feet away.Also, my place is a mess.  Yes, because I'm too lazy to clean most of the time.  My friends haven't stopped coming over because of it and new people who come normally accept an apology on the appearance of the place.  I find that most people aren't extremely concerned if I haven't cleaned up in the last week.  I guess we hang out with different people, but I haven't found it to be an issue.I do care what other people think.  A LOT actually.  You are right, that's why I posted on this message board hoping for approval.  I like to feel that I'm doing the "right" thing.  But often, I'm not actually looking for it to be the popular thing or even have the majority agree with me.  I'm instead looking to find the group of people who agree with me and spend time around them to make me feel better about myself.  That's sort of my opinion on why I dress the way I do.  I feel that I'd like to know the people who think that it's great that I wear what I do.  I LIKE wearing it, so although some people might think it's stupid, or unkept or anti-social, I think of it as a shirt with someone I like written on it.  It's much better for my self esteem to be around a person who says "Cool shirt" instead of "Can't you dress in some real clothes?"  Plus, doesn't do much for my self esteem to be continually putting on clothes that I don't like just so other people will tolerate me.  Feels like I'm pretending.  I do enough role playing DURING the game.Perhaps the best way to explain me is a short history lesson (I apologize if this starts to ramble):Elementary School: I was good at math, switched schools in grade 2 and always kinda felt like an outcast in the new school.  I was picked last in every sport during recess and I hung out with a couple kids no one liked except me.  We'd wander around the playground using our imagination instead of playing sports when the other kids would make fun of us for not being good enough.  I spent my time outside of school watching my brother or my friends play video games.  I was in Ukrainian Immersion, did all my courses in Ukrainian.Junior High: I decided to go to an english school, all my friends went to a different school.  I had almost no friends for 2 years of Junior High except for the kid that everyone hated and thought was a loser but I was friends with him because no one else would be my friend.  I finally joined a computer club after school where I started hanging out with the computer geeks.  I started up my own BBS (Bulletin Board System for those who don't know, it's like "internet lite" before the internet was popular).  I met some people on BBSes who played RPGs and got invited to a weekly session.High School: Due to a falling out with the role playing group that I had joined, I was left with only about 10 friends.  I started up my own RPG group, almost all of my friends were members.  I spent most of my high school days in the computer lab, programming or trying to get this one girl to give me a chance.  For about 3 years.  Most people in my school would make fun of me for being a geek.  They'd show up every Monday and share stories of how great their weekends were because of how drunk they got.  They were all 16 at the time.University: Right before I graduated from high school I met a girl on IRC who I hit it off with almost immediately.  We started dating.  I paid way more attention to her than I did school and dropped out after a year of Computer Science.   I lost one of my best friends when he decided that hanging out with the Engineers at the bar getting drunk every day was more important than attending our D&D sessions any longer.  I introduced my gf to gaming and she loved it.  After 3 years of being together my gf asked me to marry her.  I told her I wasn't ready yet as I was only 19.  6 months later she dumped me for a member of my RPG group saying that she didn't think I loved her enough.  Last I heard she tried to commit suicide and was on anti-depressants after she got divorced from said guy.Last couple of years: I met another girl on IRC who lived in Australia and loved my favorite band, Barenaked Ladies.  Meanwhile, my best friend in the world got married and she didn't like gaming.  So, he stopped having anything to do with me as she didn't like his gaming friends.  He was more than happy to stop gaming if it meant being with her.  We did the online dating thing for a year and a half, she visited me for 8 months in Canada then I moved to Australia for a year.  On the day I was to apply to stay there permanently, she dumped me.  Last I heard one of my ex-friends from my role playing meet that she met while here had flown out to Australia to be with her.  Came back to Canada, found a job doing tech support and started up my old life here again.On to more specific points:Alcohol:  It's been my experience that most people I know who drink on a regular basis drink to excess.  One of my best friends quit life to drink most of the time.  Everyone I knew in high school who made fun of me bragged about drinking constantly.  The favorite activity of most people I know who aren't my role playing friends is going to the bar once or twice a week and getting drunk.  I also have a rather large fear of not acting like myself.  I've seen people act in ways that they have to apologize for afterwards and would NEVER do while sober.  I don't want to drink and then find out the next day that it lowered my inhibitions to the point where I actually admited to my GM who is engaged that if she wasn't, I date her in a second.  I don't want to accidently tell my best friend that sometimes he irritates the crap out of me and I wish he wasn't around all the time.  Those are things I think, but I keep under control and alchohol could bring them out.  I like being in control.Clothes:  Really, I just wear what I have in my closet.  I've rarely, if ever, actually bought clothes on my own.  I just don't care enough to go shopping for them.  So, nearly everything I have is a gift.  Therefore, almost all of it are shirts with slogans people thought I would like.  I'm not opposed to shopping for new clothes and have in fact thought many times that I really should get some.  Even bought a bunch while I lived in Australia to look better for the job I had there.  However, my mom does the laundry in the house, and all my clothes seem to go missing.  So, I do need to buy more, I just have to be awake during the day to do so.Also, partially the point of wearing those clothes IS to show who I am.  I find that if I'm wearing a Star Wars shirt, people who like Star Wars come up to me and talk to me.  I like having things in common with people.  When I look through a crowd of people, I'm prone to ignoring the well dressed, preppy people and finding those people who look like they are kindred spirits to talk to.  If I was looking for a woman in a crowd I'd skip over the one in the dress for the one wearing the T-shirt that says "you know you're a gamer when..." like our female DM wears..*grin*Books and reading:  No, I am not too stressed out from the rest of my life.  I just don't have time.  I have a stack of books that are fantasy related that I really WANT to read that is about 6 or so long along with a couple D&D books that I've bought and haven't read.  So, to add books that I'm not even sure I'll like to the list would mean that they wouldn't get read for months or years.  Only so much time and I'd prefer to spend it with things I like.I know, I've been given this advice before.  I've tried to find a way to follow it for years now.  However, it never seems to work out.  The only time I've ever felt relaxed enough around a woman to just think of them the same way I do a guy is when I was dating my first gf.  There was no expectation from women, so they were the same as anyone else.  Other than that, every girl I've ever met has either dated me or it has become awkward and we stopped being friends after they realized I liked them more than they liked me.  I'm not sure I'm capable of being friends with women.  I don't mean to be deperate, but it always comes through anywaysAs for my comments about it likely not going anywhere with the woman I just met.  Well, I don't like to get my hopes up, and since I find that when I meet a woman that I have ANY interest in whatsoever my brain works overtime without me being able to stop it.  Within a day or two it has planned out everything I could possibly say to her to get her to go out with me, it has considered hundreds of possible outcomes even if she said yes to a date and wondered if all the time and effort spend on the rather frustrating game of dating would be worth the outcome.  Sometimes these thoughts happen within second of meeting a woman for the first time.  I've taken to telling myself that it'll never work and it isn't worth trying in an effort to make it look like it IS a bit disheartening.A couple general things.  My posts focused heavily on the parts of me I wanted to draw attention to.  However, I DO talk to people about non-geeky things.  I HAVE sat around in the bar with friends talking about things before and even enjoyed some portions of it.  I spent 5 years in Youth Parliament arguing politics and really enjoyed it.  I'm not as one sided as my post may have made me sound.  I AM very geeky.  I'm proud of that, as well.  But I don't use it as a shield as some people have suggested.  It is just who I am.  I would no more try to convince everyone on the list to stop drinking than I would try to deny that I really enjoy gaming and computers.  Life is too short trying to spend it trying to be someone you aren't.  I'm willing to try anything to see if I like it (ok, most things) but I'm not going to pretend to like something that I already know I don't.  I wouldn't want anyone pretending to like what I do.  If they don't like what I do, I'd like them to tell me so I know not to bore them talking about it.  I like to concentrate on what I have in common with people rather than what I don't.</blockquote>

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