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<blockquote data-quote="Steverooo" data-source="post: 2828764" data-attributes="member: 9410">Eh...I read the first three chapters.&nbsp; The jumping back and forth between the past, present, &amp; Thrycion is just annoying.&nbsp; If you want people to know who these characters are, and care about what's happening to them, then I think you're doing it wrong...&nbsp; Start at the beginning, and then tell the tale until you reach the end!&nbsp; I guess you're trying to NOT tell us that Trajon is Christa, and who Kinewyn is (Stephen, who rescued her dad, I assume), but - again - this jumping about is just irritating, to me.Three RPGers, and a GM, and only ONE of them &quot;thinks&quot; to bring along weapons?!?&nbsp; GET REAL! <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f600.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":D" title="Big grin&nbsp; &nbsp; :D"&nbsp; data-smilie="8"data-shortname=":D" />&nbsp;&nbsp; More likely, they'd be so overloaded that they'd fall down the hill!&nbsp; The players also seem awfully stereotypically geeky.&nbsp; Most gamers I ever met aren't.&nbsp; Most gamers have jobs.&nbsp; All I can tell about these peole is that they can drive, so are apparently 16+.&nbsp; Are they in college, post-college, high school?&nbsp; No way to tell.Stephen is an overweight asthmatic, who's afraid of girls?&nbsp;&nbsp; <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f61b.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":p" title="Stick out tongue&nbsp; &nbsp; :p"&nbsp; data-smilie="7"data-shortname=":p" />&nbsp;&nbsp; The rest of them we really don't know much of anything about, except what Max &amp; Cynthia say in the car (which is more geeky than any gamer I've ever known).&nbsp; Not believable, to me!So far, all we know is that, when they entered Thrycion, they were themselves, not their PCs.&nbsp; No word on how or why.&nbsp; I guess it will be revealed in flashbacks, but that will just annoy me more!Eh...&nbsp; I think you have a tale worth telling (at least in the action parts), but the &quot;real world&quot; stuff is TOO stereotypical, to me, and off-putting.&nbsp; There are also too many typos, such as the castle that &quot;baskes&quot; in sunlight, for instance.&nbsp; In short, not bad, but it could do with a major re-write.I hope you see this.&nbsp; I can't do anything over at Myspace!</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Steverooo, post: 2828764, member: 9410"] [b]Eh...[/b] I read the first three chapters. The jumping back and forth between the past, present, & Thrycion is just annoying. If you want people to know who these characters are, and care about what's happening to them, then I think you're doing it wrong... Start at the beginning, and then tell the tale until you reach the end! I guess you're trying to NOT tell us that Trajon is Christa, and who Kinewyn is (Stephen, who rescued her dad, I assume), but - again - this jumping about is just irritating, to me. Three RPGers, and a GM, and only ONE of them "thinks" to bring along weapons?!? GET REAL! :D More likely, they'd be so overloaded that they'd fall down the hill! The players also seem awfully stereotypically geeky. Most gamers I ever met aren't. Most gamers have jobs. All I can tell about these peole is that they can drive, so are apparently 16+. Are they in college, post-college, high school? No way to tell. Stephen is an overweight asthmatic, who's afraid of girls? :p The rest of them we really don't know much of anything about, except what Max & Cynthia say in the car (which is more geeky than any gamer I've ever known). Not believable, to me! So far, all we know is that, when they entered Thrycion, they were themselves, not their PCs. No word on how or why. I guess it will be revealed in flashbacks, but that will just annoy me more! Eh... I think you have a tale worth telling (at least in the action parts), but the "real world" stuff is TOO stereotypical, to me, and off-putting. There are also too many typos, such as the castle that "baskes" in sunlight, for instance. In short, not bad, but it could do with a major re-write. I hope you see this. I can't do anything over at Myspace! [/QUOTE]

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