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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Random Bystander" data-source="post: 7221776" data-attributes="member: 6702095">There are two major things I can see there, and the solution is the same for both. To begin, then, your descriptive text reads as if going down a list of elements to impart to the reader; and second, the scene is somewhat bare of details.Try picturing the scene from behind your viewpoint character's eyes; what do they see? hear? feel? touch? smell? Rather than thinking "What details does the reader need to know?", consider "What is the character thinking right now?"Focusing on your character's surroundings allows you to set the scene, starts off the story, and ideally, should tell your reader what both are about. An internal monologue sets a different kind of scene; one where the...well, scenery, is the character's thoughts and feelings, and tells us that the story will be set largely in, and be about, the character's mind. Most stories have a mix of both. This may be, and likely is based on what you've written, something you already know. But can be useful to note, and also relates to the two examples below.I would write more, but I have some sort of stomach bug or something. So. One really bad example, bare of any real emotion or detail, and one not bad example, showing an internal monologue; although it could use detail.Examples:Really bad:[sblock]There was dust, chaos and confusion as Doctor Destructo fired his Chaos Cannon, green bolts crashing into buildings. Civilians ran to and fro. I hated it. I hated the destruction, the fear, the screams, the blood. On a nearby rooftop, our team, the Freedom Defenders listened to our leader, Bulwark, lay out our battle plans. I wanted to punch Doctor Destructo in the face.[/sblock]Not bad:[sblock]It's the smell that gets to you, after a while. Blood, certainly. Shattered bodies; worse things. But horrible as it sounds, you can get used to that. You get used to it, and your mind blanks on it. Like too much fear. There was blood, and shattered bodies, and worse things on the ground below. In the background, a four-story apartment building begins an inevitable slide down, bricks and detritus slowly sailing through the air, the sound of it not so much a thundering as a loud rumble felt in the bones. Screams, too; your mind just filters them out, except as tactical information. Who needs help, who needs rescuing, which innocent civilian needs to be saved now? That's my job. I'm a speedster. Temporal. Every ten seconds for me is one for you. And vice-versa. So you'll understand if I ramble to you, dear imaginary listener, as Bulwark finishes giving out our marching orders.I take a large, deep breath of Metro City air. Doctor Destructo is the name of the latest maniac.Bet his teeth crumble just fine, underneath that oversized suit of power armour.There's too much dust in the air.[/sblock]Ideally, I'd re-write the second example at least three times; one of them a complete re-write, and run it by an editor/beta reader. Also do a pass or three over the names. Check for grammar and spelling as many times. Or rather, do that to the entire chapter containing that opening. Then, if I really wanted to polish it, I'd forget about it for a month, and then lightly edit it to bring everything together, with a critical editor and reader's eye. Or, possibly scrap it, if it's not going to work.</blockquote>

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