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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Gradine" data-source="post: 6878514" data-attributes="member: 57112">I fail to understand why anyone claims to be the arbiter of whether people other than themselves feel "terrorized." If a person or group claim they are being terrorized... they are being terrorized. That's kind of the definition. Now whether that terrorism is intentional or unintentional is a worthy topic of debate of debate and  pretty important when it comes to determining what's to be done about it. But you don't get to decide whether someone else feels terrorized or not. You can refuse to believe them, but make no mistake; that's an entirely different can of worms from "disagreeing" with them. You either believe them when they say they are victims of terrorism (thus, said terrorism actually exists, again whether intentional or otherwise); or you don't, in which case you feel they are being dishonest in their claims. If there's some middle ground you feel you occupy, I don't really see it.I have to admit, I have a hard time taking seriously any person who is any kind of writer or storyteller (a group which I believe all DMs, if not all roleplayers, certainly belong to) when they pull out the "they're just words" argument. Okay, I have a hard time taking anyone seriously over that argument, but storytellers especially have absolutely no excuse to peddling that hogwash. I mean, seriously? You mean to tell me you believe you have the power to whisk a group of players away to a fantastical realm of heroes and villains, for hours at a time, and over a period of months (if not years) invest those players in their characters and their deeds and the people they meet and world(s) they interact with, and then say with a straight face you don't think words have the power to invoke real fear in others? If you truly believe words don't have the power to truly impact people what are you even doing here?Of course words have power. Words have the ability to invoke any number of very real emotions in every single person. Have you never felt sorrow, shed a single tear over any work of fiction or poetry? Or non-fiction, for that matter? Have you and your players never laughed at a particularly hilarious moment in your games? Have you, honestly, never once tried to evoke or illicit actual fear in your players by presenting them with a particularly frightening foe or circumstance?Has nobody ever once made you hurt, or upset, or angry, over something they said to you? Something deeply personal? Has nobody ever really crossed that line to you, personally, not once in your life?I refuse to believe anybody who says they think words have no power. I do believe what they're really saying is that they believe certain people should not let certain words have power over them, and way more often than not, it is someone proscribing to other people, whose personal experiences they generally know little to nothing about, how they should or should not react. It is almost always completely unfounded and always extraordinarily condescending.In my experience I've found that people have a much easier time living by this motto when their entire lives have not been directly impacted by hate speech. My motto is "Hate has no place in my community." Of course I don't think hate speech (and the kinds of things we're talking about in this thread certainly constitute hate speech) should be illegal, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate it in my communities. Not tolerating hate speech is pretty much essential to creating an inclusive space, by the way. Tolerating hate speech in your community as a matter of fact excludes any individual from your community who is negatively impacted by the kinds of hate speech you tolerate.Bystander intervention is extremely important, and you and other remaining committed to that idea should be commended for it.As to why, specifically, unsolicited compliments are probably a bad idea (particularly towards women and particularly regarding their appearance), there's a wealth of excellent information throughout internet on exactly why, but here's a good primer: <a href="http://freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason/2013/05/02/why-you-shouldnt-tell-that-random-girl-on-the-street-that-shes-hot/" target="_blank">http://freethoughtblogs.com/brutereason/2013/05/02/why-you-shouldnt-tell-that-random-girl-on-the-street-that-shes-hot/</a>But I feel like I have to touch on the most significant part of your comment, that last part. I think it clarifies a lot of why there is always so much push back on stuff like this. I'm going to spell out to you (and any others) in big bold letters so it's clear to everyone, because this is what I think is the biggest holdup on there ever generating any kind of real, significant change (on a community-wide basis, anyway) on topics such as these.YOU DO NOT GET TO DETERMINE WHAT SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE A BIG DEAL TO ANYBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF.That hypothetical woman in your example? She is coming to you because to her it is a big deal and you, being in the position of authority that she is coming to you about, then get to make a decision to either treat her with respect or disrespect. You refusing to confront the other individual about it says that you expect that he will be unable to have an enjoyable time at your table unless he is able to tell other women how pretty he thinks they are, and that his right to be able to do that in order to feel comfortable at your table supersedes her right to feel comfortable at your table by not receiving unsolicited commentary on her physical appearance. In fact, your sample response to just shrug and basically tell her to get over it is an obvious sign that you do not, at all, respect her, her experiences, or her right to have an enjoyable time at your table. And you wonder why you feel like you're being treated as if you're part of a problem?Look, this is simple folks. You either respect everyone, including their right to feel comfortable playing in your game, or you only respect that right for a certain kind of player. How you choose to act in your home game is obviously your prerogative; but you how choose to act in public spaces designed for your community is fair game for discussion by the broader community.</blockquote>

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