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Message: <blockquote data-quote="seasong" data-source="post: 536189" data-attributes="member: 5137">At 2,200 words and no less than three factions, incognito really shot for the stars on this one. Let's see how close he got.A note on spelling: Incognito types faster than he edits, so the typos, mispellings and occasional grammatical goobers were pretty much expected. Were this IronDM, I would expect that it would at least get run through a spell checker first to catch the more obvious things (like 'ingrdients'), but it's not, so I'll just point this out and move on.IngredientsDwarven banditsWomen’s clothingAncient MonkNagaScroll of MiracleSimulacrumThe dwarven bandits, ancient monk and naga were vital to the scenario, and except for the naga, very well done. For my comments on the naga, see Knotty Naga, below.The scroll of miracle is purely a macguffin. No mention is even made of what the monks are going to use it for! What's more, an obvious hook was missed - the bandit-like PCs (for those bad boy parties) hear about it, and attack the guards at the same time as the sisters. As it is, the scroll could have been a sponge of corn removal for the ancient monk, and been as essential to the plot.The women's clothing was cute, but seems unlikely to make it into the scenario. It's unecessary, but is an interesting use. The simulacrum was similarly sidebarred, though interesting.Synopsis: I would have liked a brief overview of the scenario structure; otherwise this was good. The overview might have looked something like this: "Dwarves, orcs and monks fight over a scroll, while three girls get caught in the middle; the PCs must untangle the knots and get the scroll to the right people."Knotty Naga: The naga's motivations are never actually discussed, except in the shadow naga spin off. It looks like he set up the orc in the first place, but why? Given that the naga precipitates everything in the scenario, a glimpse into its motivations is very needful here.They're Girls? Throughout the text, keeping the girls' gender a secret is labelled important. But it doesn't seem to be, unless it would help identify them in some way. Is it just a random secret to uncover? Or is it, like the six-fingered man in Princess Bride, the only way they can be found out?More Words: A few lines devoted to who knows what would have been good, especially considering the investigative nature of those scenario. The girls' father, the naga, and the orc bandits, in particular, needed some fill-in. The ancient monk knows everything, naturally <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" />.Yummy Politics: I'm very happy with the political possibilities in this scenario. That's specific to me, of course. I would have liked a short note on how each group felt about each other outside the scroll, but that's more than easy enough to infer or make up on my own.Solid Structure: Good hooks from a variety of directions, plenty of layers of secrets to uncover, and a solid collection of factions for the PCs to interact with.Twists Are Good: I like having the twists. That is all.ConclusionTwo ingredients are very well used; the naga was decently used, but could have used some more information; the women's clothing and simulacrums got half points for being interesting; and the scroll was a bomb. Overall, however, that's about 4 good ingredients, which is above the average for IronDM ENWorlds.There were some things that were weak in the scenario, like the naga, the girl secret, and the scroll... but overall, this was a scenario I'd be willing to run with very few modifications. Good job, incognito!</blockquote>

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