[Humor] ARtwork Spike Wars

[The Sigil]

Found this whilst rummaging around some old e-mail archives... reminded me of "back in the day" of pre- to early-3e and thought I'd re-post, as it may help some of the newer folks here understand why "spikes" are such a "hotbutton" for 3e art...

Subject: Re: Artwork Spike Wars...
Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 14:46:57
From: EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED (Bryan J. Maloney)
Newsgroups: RPG.DnD.3rd-Edition
References: 1

Frog: Hi all! Kermit the Frog here in Verbobonc. There's a lot of
excitement all over Oerth and Muppet News is first with interviews of the inhabitants. Excuse me, sir, you're awfully busy. Is this connected with the big changes happening for Oerth?

Smith: Ayup. We've gotten word that all of a sudden we're going to get the attention we used to, but we have to do a little changing to keep up enough interest from interdimensional travelers.

Frog: What would those changes be?

Smith: See that pile over there--the really HUGE one of spikes?

Frog: That's a pile? I thought it was a small castle.

Smith: Nope, it's a pile of spikes. Seems that the new folks just go all gaga for spikes. They put 'em in their hair, on their bracelets, hooked up to their shoulders--heck, some of 'em even stick 'em out their underwear, from what I hear! So I'm making spikes. Even with that pile over there I've got at least another six months of work to fill the back order.

Frog: So what exactly happens to these spikes?

Smith: That I couldn't tell you--except that the new guys really like wearing 'em. Me--I'm a cloth and armor kind of guy. I like tradition. I also like being able to dance with a pretty girl without accidentally gutting her--but I'm an old softie. Go ask Stinky Pete about the spikes--he's a tanner and he takes over when I'm done making them.

Frog: Thank you, sir. Well we're off to find Stinky Pete. I presume that I'll just be able to follow my nose, given his moniker. Excuse me, sir, are you Stinky Pete.

Pete: That I am. What can I do you for? You in need of a spike driven through your nethers? I'm doing THAT particular job for half price, this month only.

Frog: Dear me, no! I'm from Muppet News, and we're covering the big excitement in Oerth. What is your perspective on the matter?

Pete: Far as I can tell, the whole planet's about to be invaded by
sissie-boys and high-priced leather whores. I'm not complaining--their gold is as good as anybody else's, but you would not BELIEVE where I'm being asked to put spikes! Call me old-fashioned, but even I like my underwear to be woven, not tanned. And I still want to know how some of these folks think they're going to ride a horse without accidentally impaling the poor beast. But at least I've got it pretty easy--driving a full hundred spikes into a halter top is tricky but I managed to do it--the fact that those hookers they're bringing in must pad themselves with a hogshead of stuffing per side gives me more room to work with. Now Joe--poor Joe next door, HE has some real problems. I've gotta go, frog--halters to pierce and jockstraps to spike.

Frog: Thank you, Stinky Pete. This must be Joe's place--at least that's what the sign says. It looks like an inn. Let's go in and see what Joe has to say about these changes.

Joe: It can't be done! IT CAN'T BE DONE! BY ALL THE GODS IT CAN'T BE DONE!!!

Frog: Excuse me, sir. Kermit the Frog of Muppet News. Are you Joe?

Joe: Yeah, I'm Joe. What's it to you?

Frog: You seem to not share in the general enthusiasm for the changes going on in Oerth. Could you tell us why?

Joe: SPIKES! SPIKES, I tell you! The armor was bad enough--but at least it made a LITTLE sense, then in the ordinary clothes, and now--I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!!!

Frog: What is it that seems to be so difficult?

Joe: What's so difficult? What's so DIFFICULT!? YOU TASTE IT!

Frog: For our radio listeners, I've just been handed a bowl full of
steaming liquid. As far as I can tell, there are several nails in the
bottom. Excuse me, but why are their nails in this--broth?

Joe: They're not nails, they're SPIKES! SPIKES! SPIKE SOUP! SPIKE PIES! SPIKE ALE! SPIKES! "SPIKES!" THEY TELL ME! "WE WANT SPIKES!" Well here's their spikes! Here's their spikes right here! Come here, frog, let me give YOU some spikes! You'll just LOVE my Spike Surprise!!!!!!!

Frog: GAAAAHHH! We have just exited Joe's. Fortunately, the city guard has come by in time to impale him on a few convenient spikes. Thank you, sir, for rescuing us.

Jim (who turns out not to be a guard after all): Rescuing? RESCUING!? I JUST KILLED MY OWN BROTHER!!!! All I wanted to do was help him calm down! This damned tunic is COVERED with SPIKES! Do you have any IDEA how hard it is to walk down the street these days? Last week I murdered an entire family by sneezing! Have you tried building a baby carriage?

Frog: I'll have to say that I haven't.

Jim: Have you tried riding in a coach?

Frog: I'm afraid not.

Jim: They've got spikes on the INSIDE of those things, too--and just TRY taking a crap! Now get out of my face!

Frog: Thank you, sir. I'll let you tend to your dead. This has been
Kermit the Frog reporting on the changes currently overtaking Planet Spike.

--The Sigil

 

[Melan]

I think it was originally posted on the Wizards Boards.

And right on - this is still one of the things I hate in 3e, although maybe not as rabidly as I used to. I just shut the illustrations out of my brain and use the text in the rule books.

 

[JeffB]

Yep..I remember that..I LMAO off again..... And like Melan, I still hate all the durn spikes....

 

[Mark]

...it may help some of the newer folks here understand why "spikes" are such a "hotbutton" for 3e art...

Humorous, but it really doesn't explain anything. It's just an old school guy's ranting, in my estimation. Cleverly done and geared toward an audience who is both sympathetic and familiar with mumpets. I think the problem that people may have had (may still do) with the trend in the D&D artwork has more to do with it being a new way of depicting an old setting. If WotC had chosen to continue portraying Greyhawk as it was, and added a new setting in which they had all of the "spikey stuff" who knows what the reaction would have been...?

 

[Melan]

More favourable, I believe. Dark Sun, for example, had its own look, and so did Planescape. Both very different from the D&D average, and yet I had no problem with them, because they weren't in the core books.
Now, don't misunderstand me - I don't hate 3e's art in its entirety. The depiction of the magic items and dungeon features, the pictures showing the relative sizes of creatures, cover and most of the full page yellow Swekel drawings at the beginning of each chapter are among the best D&D has seen this side of Trampier and Otus. I just feel that in some places, the artists overdid it - they conveyed a feel that was different in a way that was unpleasant for me. Like the whole "put iconics everywhere" movement, or, yes, the spikes.
Finally, a sig I saw somewhere:
"I want my D&D to look Y1K, not Y2K."

Nuff said.

 

[The Sigil]

Finally, a sig I saw somewhere:
"I want my D&D to look Y1K, not Y2K."

Nuff said.

LOL... no idea WHERE you might have seen that sig...

Seriously, IIRC, I dropped that line in the middle of the thread from which this quote came... and liked it so much after using it that I decided to incorporate it into my .sig

As for not explaining much, I didn't do a good job setting it up (not surprising). This was the most extreme example of ridiculing 3e artwork - and, fair or not, made "spikes" synomous with "the 3e style." This is why you see "spikes" (and buckles) as the most-frequently cited examples of "what's wrong with 3e art" (from those who hold that there IS something wrong) - they are referring the collective internet memory back to this post.

--The Sigil