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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Droop-in-soup" data-source="post: 7956327" data-attributes="member: 7022302">Thanks for the post, and the letter I received today.The mood and message you choose to lead with is consistent as always.  Thanks for that.I agree with your 2 points.  Well said.Personally I wonder why you say "unprecedented" in relation to change in character?  I expect it means you think the ways that I cause you trouble are so many and so fundamental that it would be unprecedented to expect your experience to be different with me.  That is what I think you must mean.I actually intend to change myself quite significantly.  Not as a main purpose of being able to play D&D with you, though I expect I might be glad to if I managed my side of the bargain, but fundamentally I want to change out of the commitment I have to life in general, which your 2 points admirably express a lot of concurrence.  I say it this way because I don't need to convince you in words, or change your mind about me.  If I change, that will show itself in fact. Otherwise, what would words now mean? I can only say something of my intentions and what I learned.I started to write about what I learned, but it is not finished and I don't have time now to share it. I expect I will share it, also for the chance that it will bring some value to the Enworld community as well.My last open-ended no-expectations ask is this: If you or others perceive that I am continuing in changeless misperceptions, I am sincerely asking for those misperceptions to be corrected.  It is clear you, the OP, are in your own process, so that is why I ask with no expectations.  Open-ended means, if possible, I am interested if the opening comes.IF others on the forum are willing to try again with me if they know what your are talking about or have their own take on it, then I hope they do.I have not come to a complete conclusion as to whether it was ideal that you, the OP and my friend, brought this thread to an open community.   As to how you portrayed me in those posts, I am sure it has cost me in some fashion by creating a certain picture of me here before I could present myself, but my focus on it is, as I've said before,  that I don't need you to be perfect for my sake, so you can judge that for yourself.  In the future, you may want to ask your co-creator before you choose to 'let it all hang out,' but for me, I've no reason at the moment to do more than make the most of it.That said, I am convinced that I gained a great deal from engaging in this process here, even if it were not an ideal method for me to come to clarity.In a good way, I do NOT now feel impelled to seek the kind of asks that I was pursuing with you consistently.  It has, in a good way, partly been beat out of me, but also I think it is the change in my perceptions of the situation that shifts a lot in me.I would characterize my feelings about myself and my inner focus is that at the moment my focus is to be a good player.  Not a self-appointed co-creator who insists on demanding agency where my way is not in harmony with my friends.I can admit that I always felt that you said "no" too much, for what I felt were the wrong reasons.  But I am no longer satisfied with my assessment. Maybe I never was satisfied with my assessment, but I didn't have control of my feelings to feel anything else.  I take the position now that I have missed something, and expect that I still don't see it all. What I do see is that I pushed when I should have stepped back and asked deeper questions.  I acted naively.I realize that both of us let it go on a long time without getting to the bottom of it.  I would like to learn why some things take a while for a door to open for a truly new step.  Unfortunately it took a full crisis that necessitated a break for our shared D&D adventure year.AND, I credit you a great deal for reminding me so often, and repeatedly, that my behavior did not accord with what you felt our agreements were.  For some reason that wasn't enough for me to be pointed toward the right response or thoughts.  I realize that had conflict with those agreements, and didn't address that in the right way. Fundamentally, that is my mistake. So in that it is fair to put the majority of the blame on me.  That is on the level of agreements.  I agreed and didn't agree. And my behavior reflected that. That has been most unfortunate and costly to us both.On the level of bad behavior, the pushing also falls into that category, and also all my general difficulties with my emotions, grumbling, pouting as you put it, and the like, these are my lifelong challenges.  It is hard to bear them, because these inappropriate behaviors are so out there to see, with only the conclusion that that kind of behavior isn't acceptable.  It gets tolerated by friends, but it is lamentable, period.People who know me know that I have changed a great deal in my life. I still will change more. This collaborative D&D and personal-growth experience over this past year has been valuable to teach me a lot, gave me a lot of great memories, challenges, and also through my mistakes, gives me motivation, because I regret strongly want to learn from them and do better.This seems adequate for this post.Thanks to all who contributed.  I've experienced a lot of people with quite strong character and presence.Perhaps some time in the future I will share some of the insights that will come as I reflect and work further on this experience. For now, just know that this was an overwhelmingly positive experience for me, because of the good will and generosity of the contributors, even though I felt that I have been perceived as someone most people would expect to firmly eject from their gaming table, based on what they saw come through the forum.  Even so, people were honest and respectful and supportive.  That says a lot about the people here.- Michael</blockquote>

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