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I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)
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<blockquote data-quote="s/LaSH" data-source="post: 512532" data-attributes="member: 6929"><p>For this one, you need a well-known prison in the area. I'll use Mount Blackthorn Prison.</p><p></p><p>"What's the biggest half-orc tribe in the land?"</p><p>"Mount Blackthorn Prison."</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>Did you hear about the elven mage who wanted to explore the Abyss?</p><p>- He disappeared with a poof.</p><p>(OK, that one's horrible. But a dwarf would love it. And if your dialect doesn't cover it, I'm NOT explaining it.)</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>How many tinker gnomes does it take to light a candle?</p><p>- Three. One to devise a method, one to devise a cure for the ensuing third-degree burns, and one to say, "Egads! My self-lighting candle is working! After twenty-seven years, I've done it!"</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>How many dragons does it take to light a candle?</p><p>- None. They don't light candles, they lie on them for nine hundred years.</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>How many adventurers does it take to light a candle?</p><p>- Four. One to haul out the tinder and flint, one to protest that magic would light it better, one to question whether a candle is even necessary in this dungeon, and one to say, "Um, I forgot to buy the candle, but I've got three dozen metal spikes, a lockpick, and a pole..."</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>Jozam and Tordek are defending a keep from a horde of goblins. Tordek fumbles his bow out, nocks an arrow (correctly the second time) and fires, but he doesn't hit anything.</p><p>"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.</p><p>"Don't use such profane language," cautions Jozam.</p><p>But Tordek nocks another arrow, and lets loose. Again, the arrow sails past anything that moves and thuds into a tree stump.</p><p>"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.</p><p>"I'm warning you, the Gods of Light will be angry if you continue in this vein," says Jozam.</p><p>But Tordek pulls another arrow from his battered quiver, pulls it back, and lets loose. The arrow bounces off a stone, rebounds from a goblin's shield, whistles back and neatly parts his hair; it's the worst shot either of them has ever seen.</p><p>"Erythnul! I missed!" curses the dwarf.</p><p>The skies open up! The terrible light of the sun is blotted out by a mighty hand, stretching forth, and a livid bolt of lightning smashes Jozam to atoms. And Pelor's voice is heard in the sky:</p><p><strong>"Erythnul! I missed!"</strong></p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>What do dragons do when it's cold?</p><p>- Sit round a candle.</p><p>What do dragons do when it's really cold?</p><p>- Light the candle.</p><p>(<em>This was originally misers.</em>)</p><p></p><p>...</p><p></p><p>These are all for public distribution. I didn't make the originals up anyway.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="s/LaSH, post: 512532, member: 6929"] For this one, you need a well-known prison in the area. I'll use Mount Blackthorn Prison. "What's the biggest half-orc tribe in the land?" "Mount Blackthorn Prison." ... Did you hear about the elven mage who wanted to explore the Abyss? - He disappeared with a poof. (OK, that one's horrible. But a dwarf would love it. And if your dialect doesn't cover it, I'm NOT explaining it.) ... How many tinker gnomes does it take to light a candle? - Three. One to devise a method, one to devise a cure for the ensuing third-degree burns, and one to say, "Egads! My self-lighting candle is working! After twenty-seven years, I've done it!" ... How many dragons does it take to light a candle? - None. They don't light candles, they lie on them for nine hundred years. ... How many adventurers does it take to light a candle? - Four. One to haul out the tinder and flint, one to protest that magic would light it better, one to question whether a candle is even necessary in this dungeon, and one to say, "Um, I forgot to buy the candle, but I've got three dozen metal spikes, a lockpick, and a pole..." ... Jozam and Tordek are defending a keep from a horde of goblins. Tordek fumbles his bow out, nocks an arrow (correctly the second time) and fires, but he doesn't hit anything. "Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches. "Don't use such profane language," cautions Jozam. But Tordek nocks another arrow, and lets loose. Again, the arrow sails past anything that moves and thuds into a tree stump. "Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches. "I'm warning you, the Gods of Light will be angry if you continue in this vein," says Jozam. But Tordek pulls another arrow from his battered quiver, pulls it back, and lets loose. The arrow bounces off a stone, rebounds from a goblin's shield, whistles back and neatly parts his hair; it's the worst shot either of them has ever seen. "Erythnul! I missed!" curses the dwarf. The skies open up! The terrible light of the sun is blotted out by a mighty hand, stretching forth, and a livid bolt of lightning smashes Jozam to atoms. And Pelor's voice is heard in the sky: [b]"Erythnul! I missed!"[/b] ... What do dragons do when it's cold? - Sit round a candle. What do dragons do when it's really cold? - Light the candle. ([i]This was originally misers.[/i]) ... These are all for public distribution. I didn't make the originals up anyway. [/QUOTE]
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