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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Knightfall" data-source="post: 2571910" data-attributes="member: 2012">Hey all,I'm in the middle are dark depressing funk right now. Life has been kicking me in the "nads" or several years now. I've been on medical welfare for over two years and have been strugggling to lose weight and improve my overall health. I've been fighting chronic depression for years and, lately, it just started to feel like I was winning.However, all that changed last month. My brother, Dale, died last month. His heart failed while he was driving home from work one day His truck went off the road, through a hedge and a fence, then struck the edge of a building and then slammed into a car. He was in a coma for a week and suffered massive brain damage. He was 44.His tragic death has hit my family hard, especially my mother. He was her first born and very special to her. I've never seen her as emotional as she's been over the last month and a half. I'd seen her cry but I'd never seen her sob uncontrollably. It was almost more than I could take when it happened.Now, while my dad wasn't his biological father he did adopted Dale at a young age, after my mother and him got married. My dad and my brother were astranged from each other for a long time, as my brother put my dad through a lot when he was growing up. Dale was the first to admit his responsibility in their feud but had hoped that my dad would come around, eventually.My sister and I live together and have had our own difficulties in the past. However, we worked them out and we were just beginning to learn to accept out brother's presence in our lives again. You see, Dale took off to California over 10 to 15 years ago and had been living there (illegally) up until about 2-1/2 years ago. Before that he'd already had moved out on his own, while I was growing up in Forestburg, Alberta.I has grown up admiriing him, not realizing how much of a "lovable bastard" he truly was. I was simply a little brother looking up to his "big bro". He had tormented my sister growing up and they had also had there differences later on in life. It had been very hard for her to accept him back into the family, as she (and my mother) had believed that he had died in California. (He didn't call or write during a 10 year gap.)Now, he has passed on to the next world and my sister and my mother have to go through this all over again. My dad has shown great emotion while remaining stoic in his overall view of life. (He and my mother are divorced. Her new husband is NOT my favorite person in the world.)As for me, the title of the thread says it all. I am so torn up inside I don't know what to do. I know Dale would be the first to say that life goes on and that you just have to keep trying to live life. So far, I'm doing the best I can. Yet, it still feels like I'm only going through the motions.I can cry and I can remember the good things about him, but I have always been unable to let "the pain of life" go. I still cling to the pain of growing up and being alone because a inner part of me feels that "I need my pain" in order to be complete. However, the pain has become all consuming, at times, leading to an "inner anger" that comes out in waves of grief, rage, frustration, despair, and lonliness.I worry that this pain will be the straw that break my back of hope for the future. How do I get back to be a productive member of society when I can barely make it through the day without shutting down into a fetal ball of overwrought emotions?I need good thoughts, for I seem to have none right now. Thus, send me your well-wishes and condolances. And if anyone knows any good, clean jokes then feel free to post them here to help lift my spirits.With regards,Robert Blezard, a.k.a. Knightfall1972Edmonton, AlbertaCanadap.s. I am around in other threads, but I haven't been posting as much lately, which is to be expected. (Off to bed I go!)</blockquote>

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