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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Nifft" data-source="post: 4970792" data-attributes="member: 6562">humble minion, you have crafted a tight, cohesive story around six ingredients, with some very clever ingredient interpretation. I love the setting elements, it's got parts that are usable in many campaigns, and the mysterious plane-shifting shadow-tree is both evocative and mechanically useful.Thasmodious, your narrative rambled a bit, and there are some gaping holes in the story that need filling. And yet you won. Let's look at why.- - -[h3]Elven Mayor[/h3]Thasmodius gives us an elven mayor. He's central to the plot.humble minion -- you gave us a half-elven "mayor", and that's being generous. Mayors are in charge of cities, not markets. If I'd given "half-elf" as an ingredient, this would have been a very creative. But honestly, the half-golem aspect waaaaaaay overpowers any residual elfish qualities this "mayor" might have had. If I used your adventure and asked my PCs afterward what they thought of the "elven mayor", they'd give me blank stares. Nothing about him says "elf", and very little about him says "mayor".[h3]Critical Hits[/h3]Thasmodius used critical hits in their literal, mechanical sense. I don't find their use to be vital to the plot, and that's costing you points -- all the parts dealing with "critical hits" could be removed, and the adventure would run the same, so you haven't done a great job making them important.humble minion, your interpretation "critical hit" would be a very creative use of the term, and I like creative uses, but it doesn't actually happen. The critics are prevented from declaring anything a hit because the crowded theater has been set on fire. If the ingredient were "critical flames" or "burning criticism" you'd have scored a home run. But you're not actually using the ingredient, even by the most liberal interpretation.[h3]Magic Fruit[/h3]Good use by both of you. humble minion, your Blood Orange is brilliant. Thasmodius, your magic fruits are good plot devices.[h3]Evil Puppets[/h3]Good use by both of you, mostly. Thasmodius, I love the image of evil puppets dropping from the twisted branches of a giant corrupt tree. humble minion, your Mr Sticks is integral to the plot and could have been a great NPC... but as written, the PCs aren't going to interact with him, and probably aren't even going to notice him until it's far too late for them to detect his Evilness.[h3]Mace of Blood[/h3]Thasmodius gives us a corrupted artifact, and it's central to the plot. It interacts with the fruit and the puppets, and your translation into 4e grants it interaction with critical hits.humble minion, your mace of blood is integral to the backstory of the brilliant Blood Oranges, but it's not something the PCs will interact with. It's technically in the adventure due to the backstory, but it's more of a clue to the magical fruit than it is a thing in and of itself. Excellent integration with the magical fruit, not so good integration with the plot.[h3]Stellar Pathway[/h3]Thasmodius, I don't see how Sigil was related to "stellar" -- the pathway twisting due to star-spawn would have been sufficient. Sigil was an unnecessary addition, and frankly got in the way.humble minion, I like the image of your stellar pathway, but what happens if the PCs decide to travel to the tree during the day, when it actually exists on this plane? It's a reasonable decision, and negates the ingredient entirely.- - -humble minion: if my ingredient list had contained Vampire, Half-Elf, and Shouting Fire In A Crowded Theater, you'd have won. But in the end, the elements you highlighted weren't the ingredients. I applaud your clever interpretation -- it's something I favor -- but you do need to focus on the six ingredients before throwing other stuff in. I like how tight your plot and backstory are, but I don't like how linearly it will play out, and I hate how small a part the PCs would play in the plot's unfolding. What if there's a Bard (or a player who is a ham) in my party? What if he wants to perform for the competition? That's the kind of party that such an adventure seems to call to, but who might be most frustrated by the lack of options for participation. In summary: excellent set-up, excellent setting, execution needs work.Thasmodius: I don't need to be told how I can be flexible in using various elements. I'm an arrogant bastard, and I will use everything exactly how I want. If this is the kind of crap thinking that 4e encourages -- nah, who am I fooling, I love 4e. But my point is: such passages are wasted space. Instead, focus on telling me when time is of the essence, or what might tend to lead the PCs towards the plot element, rather than telling me when they're allowed to stray from the plot. In summary: good set-up, excellent setting, good execution.- - -Thank you both. With more practice under your belts, I think you'll both be capable of excellence across the board.Thasmodius advances.</blockquote>

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