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Message: <blockquote data-quote="phoamslinger" data-source="post: 4974297" data-attributes="member: 2342">Round 1, Match 8: ElectricDragon vs Iron Skybefore I get started, I do want to mention that 12 pages is a bit much to read through, Iron Sky.  I like completeness compared to having to fill in the blanks, but try to not go quite so overboard in future rounds.IngredientsBloody DungeonCometAgressive MoneylenderSleeping DeathPatchwork GolemShocking Arrowseach of you have the various ingredients in your stories, but how did they connect to each other?  Electric, how did your moneylender connect to the golem?  why did the golem come out because of the comet?  why was it a ‘bloody’ dungeon, other than the rumors and back history calling it that?  what would happen if I replaced the Patchwork Golem with an Iron Golem, or a Flesh Golem?  would it have had any impact on the overall storyline?  Iron Sky’s entry I liked much better.  I’ve mentioned in previous comments that I like connections; let’s see what jumps out…IS’s patchwork golem is a mish-mash of mechanical parts that have been assembled over generations (and therefore, because it was constructed over generations, it is a patchwork affair).  the dungeon is the site of ongoing violent tortures (so bloody fits).  the Arrows are electrical and will be necessary to energize the Golem, which will be needed to stop the Comet, which is bringing the Death, the children of whom have caused the Sleeping sickness that pulls the party into the game, and which has been brought into the story by the Moneylender who owns the Dungeon and the Arrows.   as I look back at the ingredient list Iron Sky’s adventure seems to tie them all integrally together and if one of them were swapped out with another item, it would be necessary to change the story to accomodate.  ElectricDragon’s items are there, but they're just dropped into a story setting without really being a required part of the story.  the moneylender could as easily be an irate constable blaming strangers for the disappearances as a moneylender.  why were those who disappeared the one’s who owed him money?  where were the connections between the other ingredients?  Iron Sky, despite the length, I found The Children of Death to be the better entry by quite a large margin.  the round is yours.ElectricDragon, a Background Section at the start of your entry might have helped some.  I felt like I had to keep looking for why the adventure was taking place and what was the trigger.  was it the comet?  the moneylender?  something else?  you had a lot of detail in your entry, but Iron DM’s are really not so much about the little details like the room by room descriptions or the stat blocks, they’re about making the six core ingredients into the six CORE ingredients that are UNREPLACEABLE by other, similar types of items, and are present BECAUSE the other five are dependent on them for their own inclusion in the storyline.  I guess you could say it’s more about the story arcs than anything else.  it’s kinda long, but Iron Sky made the connections that won him this round.</blockquote>

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