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Iron DM 2012 -- R2 complete, Finals in Progress
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<blockquote data-quote="phoamslinger" data-source="post: 5957452" data-attributes="member: 2342"><p>Lwaxy</p><p></p><p>[sblock]you're right. I did miss that. and the reason I missed it is because there's almost no information on the power broker...</p><p></p><p><em>By now it should dawn on them that the Robe of Bones is part of an artwork. Kadin has no remembrance where it might be, as he forgets about what parts are in where to be able to "see the pure art." If his memory is helped a bit, he can remember who dropped the robe off – the same person giving orders to D'Hal. </em></p><p></p><p>this is the only mention of "someone giving orders to D'Hal". who is this mysterious power broker? because there is no other mention of him anywhere in your adventure, other than that last sentence. and now I have even more unanswered questions about your entry. for instance the thugs chasing Hanar, are they cultist from D'Hal or are they the minions of this power broker?</p><p></p><p>another question; sure this is a major clue, but <em>how in the heck does Kadin know who is giving orders to D'Hal?</em></p><p></p><p>Kadin is a courier. he either knows he's a courier or he doesn't. if he knows, then why is the boss sending an assassin at him? if he's an unknowing courier, how does he know who D'Hal's boss is? you're playing it both ways and it doesn't make sense.</p><p></p><p>another, if the bounced checks have the studio's address on them, that means that<em> it's Kadin </em>who is writing them. they're his checks. why is the artist writing checks to Hanar's temple? as a method to give the information to an assassin to come and kill him (Kadin)???</p><p></p><p>or if as you say, this is a method of giving target info to an assassin (which doesn't make a lot of sense), wouldn't a phone call be easier and leave less of a paper trail?</p><p></p><p>ok, the robe is magic. then it should adjust to the wearer. why is it heavy? some more description text on the item would have helped, because your mcguffin (in the nature of mcguffins) is unclear.</p><p></p><p>and if being a dragon is so cool, why give it to D'Hal? wouldn't the power broker want it for himself? some info on possible behind the scene motivations might make this clearer.</p><p></p><p>yes, there are a lot of holes there. I think your entry would have been stronger if maybe you had started with a background of what was going on behind the scenes or maybe a synopsis, not so much <em>how</em> the adventure plays out, but <em>why</em> some of the things that happen are happening. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Lwaxy, I actually found your entry more interesting in a lot of ways than I did Waylander's. your's had more of an air of a spy thriller with lots of things going on behind the scenes and whatnot. but as a GM, I should know and need to know what those 'behind the scenes' things are, and you didn't do a good a job of making them clear to me.</p><p></p><p>there is a well known problem that a lot of new authors have, of assuming that the symphonies you hear when you are humming to yourself are heard by the people around you. when I write something up, I go back and re-read it about a dozen times (including this post), because what I think I'm writing and what actually ends up in text, don't always mesh 100% of the time. there are dozens of little details missing from your entry. and quite probably, they are all safely there in your head. when you run this adventure for your group, you will probably bring all those extra little details out and it will be a fine game. but if you were to print out your adventure and hand it to the player on the left and let him run it for your group, it wouldn't go nearly as well. go back and read your entry from the perspective of it being someone else's writing, not yours, and you might see what I'm trying to explain. another method that works is to read it aloud, because hearing it is different from just seeing it.</p><p></p><p>but even more importantly, Iron DM is about <u><strong>the ingredients</strong></u>, not the best story. I felt that Waylander used the ingredients better. for example, his manuscript <em>had to be battered</em>. what the dragon became finally became the final dragon. etc.</p><p>therefore he won.</p><p></p><p>therefore I stand by my judgement.[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="phoamslinger, post: 5957452, member: 2342"] Lwaxy [sblock]you're right. I did miss that. and the reason I missed it is because there's almost no information on the power broker... [I]By now it should dawn on them that the Robe of Bones is part of an artwork. Kadin has no remembrance where it might be, as he forgets about what parts are in where to be able to "see the pure art." If his memory is helped a bit, he can remember who dropped the robe off – the same person giving orders to D'Hal. [/I] this is the only mention of "someone giving orders to D'Hal". who is this mysterious power broker? because there is no other mention of him anywhere in your adventure, other than that last sentence. and now I have even more unanswered questions about your entry. for instance the thugs chasing Hanar, are they cultist from D'Hal or are they the minions of this power broker? another question; sure this is a major clue, but [I]how in the heck does Kadin know who is giving orders to D'Hal?[/I] Kadin is a courier. he either knows he's a courier or he doesn't. if he knows, then why is the boss sending an assassin at him? if he's an unknowing courier, how does he know who D'Hal's boss is? you're playing it both ways and it doesn't make sense. another, if the bounced checks have the studio's address on them, that means that[I] it's Kadin [/I]who is writing them. they're his checks. why is the artist writing checks to Hanar's temple? as a method to give the information to an assassin to come and kill him (Kadin)??? or if as you say, this is a method of giving target info to an assassin (which doesn't make a lot of sense), wouldn't a phone call be easier and leave less of a paper trail? ok, the robe is magic. then it should adjust to the wearer. why is it heavy? some more description text on the item would have helped, because your mcguffin (in the nature of mcguffins) is unclear. and if being a dragon is so cool, why give it to D'Hal? wouldn't the power broker want it for himself? some info on possible behind the scene motivations might make this clearer. yes, there are a lot of holes there. I think your entry would have been stronger if maybe you had started with a background of what was going on behind the scenes or maybe a synopsis, not so much [I]how[/I] the adventure plays out, but [I]why[/I] some of the things that happen are happening. Lwaxy, I actually found your entry more interesting in a lot of ways than I did Waylander's. your's had more of an air of a spy thriller with lots of things going on behind the scenes and whatnot. but as a GM, I should know and need to know what those 'behind the scenes' things are, and you didn't do a good a job of making them clear to me. there is a well known problem that a lot of new authors have, of assuming that the symphonies you hear when you are humming to yourself are heard by the people around you. when I write something up, I go back and re-read it about a dozen times (including this post), because what I think I'm writing and what actually ends up in text, don't always mesh 100% of the time. there are dozens of little details missing from your entry. and quite probably, they are all safely there in your head. when you run this adventure for your group, you will probably bring all those extra little details out and it will be a fine game. but if you were to print out your adventure and hand it to the player on the left and let him run it for your group, it wouldn't go nearly as well. go back and read your entry from the perspective of it being someone else's writing, not yours, and you might see what I'm trying to explain. another method that works is to read it aloud, because hearing it is different from just seeing it. but even more importantly, Iron DM is about [U][B]the ingredients[/B][/U], not the best story. I felt that Waylander used the ingredients better. for example, his manuscript [I]had to be battered[/I]. what the dragon became finally became the final dragon. etc. therefore he won. therefore I stand by my judgement.[/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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