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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Rune" data-source="post: 6908924" data-attributes="member: 67">[sblock=Self-Analysis & Commentary Written Prior to Judgement]So, I started out by brainstorming an adventure in which an unscrupulous mine-owner was trying to sell a depleted iron mine and needed to fake production from the mine. He was testing giant leeches on miners (providing bodies for a mystery hook) and then using a giant lodestone to pull iron from the blood. Then, he captured a cloud giant to start for real. Unbeknownst to him, the giant, having been shown mercy from a naga in earlier days, had adopted a new philosophy, becoming a vegetarian. Unfortunately, options for giant varieties of vegetables are limited, so the giant was anemic. Brilliant!But very problematic. The giant and the naga's backstory were convoluted and added nothing to the adventure--and it gave the PCs nothing to work with. Even finding a way to give the PCs all of that exposition would take hundreds of words that I couldn't begin to afford. And it wouldn't matter. The cloud giant had to go. The mine-owner was boring. And his plan was stupid (like, he couldn't have come up with a more convoluted plan to acquire trace amounts of iron if he tried). And he didn't even need the leeches to do it, anyway. Ugh. Gone. I wanted to keep the visuals of the leech mining operation (a play on words with "leach mining," but I'll get back to that). And I still needed a way to make the naga's mercy relevant. Thus, the villain was the recipient of said mercy after snagging a trophy from the naga since the naga only cares about guarding something he was never interested in. Great! But way too much exposition, all of it detailing history, and none of it stuff the PCs could use. It had to go. Instead, I hinted at its existence, gave the DM hooks to build on and focused on providing levers that the PCs could actually pull on. A gamble, but one I had to make. Fortunately, the naga gets two castings of geas per day and nothing in the spell description prevents someone from being simultaneously affected by multiple geasa. Finally, the mercy element had something the PCs could grab on to.Now, all I had to do was trim 400 words, or so. I adopted a staccato tone (that I sometimes use for other reasons). I cut more and more exposition. I did my best to suggest atmosphere as efficiently as possible. And I made sure that every single bit of information the PCs could come across was a clue to something that was going on. But, I didn't call them out. There simply was no room in my word count to do anything but trust the DM to see them and use them as desired. That was the foundation upon which I built the adventure. This was a tough set of ingredients. "Leech Mining" provides instant cool imagery, but nothing it suggested made any actual sense. Mining for leeches? Why? How? Mining by leeching? For what gain? The only thing that kind of made sense was that whatever the product, it wouldn't be profitable unless it was very overpriced. Added to that, I wanted to sneak in some connection to actual leach mining (a process by which acid is poured into ore to form a solution from which minerals are extracted). Tricky. "Fang of Mercy." At first, I made it a magic item (constructed from the naga's fang). Basically a MacGuffin. I tried naming the naga Mercy because of her show of it. Cheesy. Finally, I had to settle for a loose connection between the actual fang, the villain, the naga, and the PCs. Much more of a reach than I wanted it to be, but it kind of works if you squint hard enough. "Bad lead" This is actually the only element I knew was staying, in its final form, right from the start. And it's a red herring. I kind of folded this one over on itself, as well. Sanguine is a bad lead because he is a bad-boy leading actor as well as being a red herring. Clever. Except that, being a red herring, it is unnecessary to the adventure. Unless...I then fold the adventure back in on him! Exactly the kind of scenario I'd like to run (although I could totally see my players saying, "Screw it. He's a vampire. Let him die!"). "Huge pumpkin" provides atmosphere and insight into the town, but it also serves as a clue to what's been going on. As such, the PCs' interaction with it is subtle, but not nonexistent. We'll see how that goes. Likewise with "Cracked Road."Finally, "Wax Seal" was pretty easy to incorporate from the start. Once I knew I was working with blood, I could find a place for a nonporous seal. Only problem was: boring. I thought about doing something like a blood elemental kept at bay by the seal, but I couldn't afford the words to stat it up (same reason the Bloodsmith is not a spell caster, by the way). I settled for making the seal integral to the villain's work. Still kind of boring, but at least it gives the PCs something to mess with. All in all, this is hardly the best entry I've ever put forth. It is perhaps a slight bit too ambitious for its word count (and this was the stripped-down version!). But I think I could enjoy running it. Or playing in it. So that's good. [/sblock][sblock=Having Read the Judgement<img src="http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/devious.png"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":]" title="Devious    :]" data-shortname=":]" />Ya know, it never even occurred to me that I had written in a built-in eventual solution to the town's problems (if anyone remained by then) via the two geasa on the Bloodsmith. My actual intent was a little dumber: the Bloodsmith had to return within the spells' durations so the naga could recast them. That, and the geasa were intended to be usable by the PCs as leverage against the Bloodsmith, if they chose. Very unclear, though. Oh well. For anyone actually trying to run this thing, the backstory of the naga's mercy to the Bloodsmith doesn't matter to the adventure, which only cares that it exists. However, insight into the two characters' motivations would certainly make running them easier. There is room for DMs to come up with something better, but here's the simple version:<ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Bloodsmith seeks out naga for rare alchemical ingredient (fang).</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Bloodsmith manages to wrest fang from naga. Somehow.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Naga beats him down pretty handily, because: naga.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Naga spares Bloodsmith's life because Bloodsmith is not interested in the grove she guards (her sole reason for existing).</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Naga's mercy is not unconditional (because the guardian naga is not just good, but also lawful).</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Two geasa compel the Bloodsmith to return (with the fang--meaning no use as an ingredient) before the duration runs out (in retrospect, with different wording, this could have been handled with one geas). This was meant to act like a parole period. Good behavior would mean extension of the parole. Bad behavior--probably not.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Implication is that being unable to use fang as an ingredient forces Bloodsmith to fake potency of his product.</li> </ul>It also never occurred to me that a DM might have the druids intervene in the mob scene; I left much unsaid, but it seemed clear enough to me that the druids didn't do that kind of proactive stuff. Eh. Might actually help the adventure if they did show up. The whole second act with the druids is actually skippable. If the Bloodsmith's servants (why are they spies? Because the Monster Manual doesn't have stats for stealthy thugs and I didn't have room to quibble) capture a PC, or if the PCs follow/interrogate them, they might lead them strait to the mines. Following the cracked road would also lead them there (though, admittedly, I only implied that). Things would be much easier for the PCs if they met the druids first, but it isn't crucial. On the subject of subtle clues: it actually doesn't bother me that the DM might miss their significance. As long as they are presented to the players and all point toward the advancement of the adventure (as they do in this case), the players will certainly find some thread to follow further into the adventure. Finally, regarding the mundane nature of the Bloodsmith. I hated to do it. The adventure would have been so much cooler if his bottled blood was the real deal. Only problem was, it made absolutely no sense. Why couldn't his customers just save themselves the money and get the blood on their own? Fixing that would require that the Bloodsmith be very powerful and probably a spellcaster, which would cause so very many problems that couldn't be fixed in 750 words. Silver lining: if the Bloodsmith had already worked out a distribution network, there are lots of hooks the PCs can follow leading out of the adventure. All that said, I can't really disagree with the judge's critiques. Especially the big one. In my defense (such as it is) these were a very tough set of ingredients, especially for a 24-hour, 750-word entry! Thanks to   [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] for a well-reasoned, well-articulated judgement! (And just about the right length, too!<img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f61b.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":p" title="Stick out tongue    :p"  data-smilie="7"data-shortname=":p" />)Anyway, good show,   [MENTION=92511]steeldragons[/MENTION]. I don't think I've seen a more action-packed adventure squeezed into 750 words. And creepy! That pumpkin scene at the beginning grabbed me, too!If you had done any one of the following two things, I think you would have beaten me:<ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Linked your ingredients more.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Provided some meaningful options for the PCs.</li> </ul>[/sblock]</blockquote>

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