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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Iron Sky" data-source="post: 6922472" data-attributes="member: 60965">Without any preamble aside from this preamble about the lack of preamble, let's jump right in. [sblock=The Hulk]Readability: There's no headings, no bold fonts to mark out sections of the ship, a lack of white space separating The Common Room from Crew Quarters Alpha/Bravo. This is a quick fix that makes going back and referencing details difficult due to a lack of "page geography"; there's very few visual landmarks to find your way around when you're looking for something.  Know when you have a physical copy of an RPG book and you find the combat chapter because if you skim through and there's the picture of the castle you've gone too far one way and if you get to the sample dungeon map you've gone too far the other way? That.    Not only does it reduce readability as the lack of anything aside from the line of white space between paragraphs breaks up the wordslaught making it both less visually appealing and more mentally fatiguing to read.  These criticisms aside, everything was written clearly and well. While the language generally drifts passive("is", "are", "will" action verbs), it also shifts now and then to more engaging, active phrasing.    Some of the terms seem to be Traveller-setting specific (geonee, Solomani, Zhodani, etc) which don't seem critical that I know, but a tiny bit of clarification might be helpful (or just making them human).  A few typos slipped in here and there "they're" instead of "their", but nothing derailing.  Lastly, a few lines that I couldn't figure out:    "But her power, as well as her anxiety, waxes and wanes as the party uses the lull to travel through different parts of space." So, they play the recording and then Flower's power wanes and waxes anyway but only if they use the lull to fly somewhere else in space? What? I've read it several times, but I'm not sure exactly what is meant here, partially because I'm not sure what "quelling" Flower does. Does she go completely dormant or reign in her behemoth or what?  That part stopped me cold trying to figure it out.  "Clara is tethered to Flower's ghost"... what does that mean? Is she a ghost too or does that mean her curse is tethered?  7/10 Pts.  Cool: Exploring a derelict spaceship haunted by the lingering ghost of a kidnapped psychic girl. That's pretty damn cool.  10/10 Pts.  Playability: See readability for difficulty skimming back to reference various parts due to lack of headings or bold type on relevant sections. Especially important for an exploration-based adventure to save long "loads" when PCs suddenly go somewhere new while you look for it.    Otherwise, it seems like it would be fun to play and interesting to run. I don't know if I'm a huge fan of having cool events hinged to a dice roll: what if I roll 12 on the curse malfunction roll? Is there any way the PCs will be there that long. How cool would it be if the curse knocked out their own ship and they had to fix the Cavanough in order to get away? As is, I could see more skittish groups bailing when a ghostly alien kid drifts through the hull and jacks a scalpel into the back of someone's neck, but kill their only way out...  Also, I'm not quite sure if "rounded traverse tunnels" allow one to bypass sections of the ship – making exploration non-linear – or simply connect from one section to the next. I like the first idea more as it allows groups to choose their own path through the ship, even if most will probably just go stem-to-stern.  Lastly, I don't think any group I've seen would think to perform either of the alternate methods of calming Flower unless it were absolutely kicking their asses and they were desperate.  7/10 Pts.    PC Relevance/Agency: Let's look at what the PCs actually do:    They are hired, fly to Sivalus V where they befriend or alienate the locals and witness a psychic ritual that either scares them or attempts to murder them depending on where their initial diplomacy landed them.    Part two of the adventure finds them hunting down the ancient wreck of corporate research vessel, piecing together the riddle of what happened even as they piece together the broken ship, culminating with a terrifying battle against a half-organic, half-phantasmal monster assembled from dead bodies and the PC's worst fears. Did I mention how awesome a premise this is?  If they never show up, Revori doesn't get tipped off to the Mantabi right of passage and the Cavanough remains a haunted wreck drifting between the stars. Best case if all goes well, they make (psychic) allies on a backwater planet, clear out a haunted ship, get paid, and maybe trash the "good name" of a major corporation.  8/10 Pts.    Choices: The PCs have a few interesting choices here. First, how do they befriend the villagers if they even bother? That this has consequences for the danger level of the ceremony is cool and makes their decision really matter.  On the ship, I can't tell if they really have any choice in the order they explore. On first reading I understood the "transverse tunnels" to run along the whole ship to allow the PCs choices on where to go in which order, but I'm not sure if that is actually the case after subsequent reads. If it is (and if the PCs know what section is where) then they have some choices on how to explore, what to fix first, etc. If it isn't, the ship is a railroad, which makes it less interesting and reduces the PC's influence. Since it's unclear, I'll assume it's linear.  Lastly, they have several methods to put down the behemoth, but I'm not sure how groups would figure out how to disconnect Flower's corpse or play it a soothing song, as mentioned above.  7/10 Pts.  Rules: On time. Word count good. 10/10 Pts.    Ingredients  Ancient Curse: Clara's curse on the kidnappers. I'm not sure if a century is ancient as curses go and am also somewhat unclear as to the specifics of said curse. After its initial mention, Clara's curse sees reference again only in regards to the solar sails... did she only curse them? Is the curse responsible for Flower's ghost or is that all Flower's psychic juju? When it says the ship is cursed AND haunted it makes me think the two are separate? This would be a lot stronger if the specifics of the curse were enumerated. "Clara's psychic curse rouses ghosts within the ship" or something would make it more clear if the two are directly linked or not.  3/5pts.  Moonlight Serenade: The song that calms down the psychic powers of the tribal kids. The powers manifest according to the lunar periods and the serenade is calming, if not necessarily open-air as Serenade usually indicates. The moon's period indicates how much of it is reflecting light, so it is moonlight related.    4/5pts.  Hate Story: This is harder ingredient, but hatred is mentioned in terms of Clara's hatred for and curse upon the Revori. It is a story the party learns of her hatred, which manifests more later, though Flower's psychic haunting seems more relevant with the ship than the curse. If the curse caused the haunting then it all ties together, but a bit of unclear languaging leaves me unsure if there is causation or merely psychic correlation. Clearing this up would strengthen the Curse as well.  4/5pts.  Sanctioned Kidnappings: the kidnappings of Flower and the other psychic children. Sanctioned usually implies approved by a larger outside authoritarian body, which in this case is the corporate leadership which is authoritarian but not an outsider. Still works.  5/5pts.  Dirty Laundry: The kidnappings being the "dirty laundry" of Revori. The PCs can release this information at the end to tarnish Revori's reputation, though this makes me wonder why Revori Ent. hired outsiders in the first place. The whole adventure is about their dirty laundry, might be a bit stronger if the Revori worked harder to keep them from finding it out.    4/5 pts.  Awakened Behemoth: Flower's summoned creation that forms the final battle. It is indeed awakened, however it is not essential that it be a "Behemoth" either in size or in bestial traits – in fact, it is given primarily human traits with only the possibility of maybe having some bestial ones. She could as easily summon a dozen smaller apparitions (as I think she has been doing... or is that her mother's curse?) for them to fight instead.  3/5 pts.  Unstable Cargo: Flower's corpse floating in the cargo bay (I'm assuming no artificial gravity anyway). Not only is she unstable mentally and psychically, she's doesn't seem to be anchored to anything in the cargo bay either (until it animates).    5/5 pts.  Sail of Stars: The solar sail. This is a cool use, but the ship could have been powered by anything else – it didn't have to be a solar sail as nifty as this is. It does seem to be the primary target of Clara's curse for some reason, though I'm not sure that strengthens it.  2/5 Pts.    Ingredient Weave:   Sentence: The PCs are hired to investigate corporate Dirty Laundry starting with a Moonlight Serenade, discovering in the process a Hate Story leading to an Ancient Curse on the Sail of Stars of a starship engaged in Sanctioned Kidnappings and now carrying Unstable Cargo that can manifest an Awakened Behemoth.    Pretty strong.    Let's try replacements: The PCs are hired to investigate corporate Dirty Laundry starting with a Moonlight Serenade, discovering in the process a Hate Story leading to an Strangely-specifc Curse on the Nuclear Generator of a starship engaged in Sanctioned Kidnappings and now carrying Unstable Cargo that can manifest Twenty Apparitions.    3/8 replaceable is pretty good, historically.    4/5 Pts.  Summary  My main issues with this otherwise rock-solid entry could have been cleaned up by a bit more appealing formatting, and a little clarification of the curse and the ship layout. 5 minutes spent bolding ship sections, dropping a heading here and there, and better explanation of the curse(there were 100 words to spare!) would have been worth a few points at the least.    A compelling scenario with exploration, mystery, combat, diplomacy, horror, and a pretty cool story behind it to boot. Run has his work cut out for him. Deuce Traveler isn't the reigning champion for nothing.    Total: 83/105 Pts.[/sblock]  [sblock=With Strange Aeons...] Readability: As mentioned in Rune's the last round judgement, poetic language is either a boon or a bane and rarely anything between. Similarly, this doesn't quite work for me. I think I figured out what it is, too: the sentences are too short and choppy for the way the language is woven. Here's almost identical wording but combining a couple sentences:    "Destruction slumbers beneath the waves, breaking mortal minds with its twisting dreams. It lures its faithful toward monstrous devotion while within the city walls destruction festers in another form. Driven by an ancient curse, hatred breeds revolt. Enter the PCs, caught between the schemes of two wicked factions."    Tweaked just slightly and it flips from bane to boon (for me, at least).    Again as before, after the opening, everything is well-formatted and eminently readable. This time, however, the language has kicked up towards primarily active wording: "betrothed" "compels" "dissemination" "lures" make for much more engaging reading.    9/10 Pts.    Cool: An evil wizard using Godzilla as an excuse to subvert a king into funneling noble sacrifices to fuel his eternal life opposed by the Cult of Zilla trying to use his sacrifices to awaken their God(zilla). And the PCs in the middle trying to figure it out. Pretty damn cool.  9/10 Pts.  Playability: As a GM, I move from one bullet list to another. Pick a hook(s) that work, jump to events in the city and stumble the PCs into half of them while ticking off the other half, then figure out which path the PCs end up on depending on where their investigative efforts take them.  The biggest drawback apparent to me is the question of what exactly do the PCs investigate? Who do they talk to? What sort of information will they glean? They can learn of the curse, the missing girls, that the nobles are unhappy with the King, the list of events seems to only be witnessed by the PCs, their actions seeming someone irrelevant. If I were to run this as-is right now, I'm not sure exactly how to run the party's investigations aside from having them repeatedly walk into events as they happen. What the PCs actually investigate is irrelevant, what is important is that I steer them from one "scripted event" to another and hope they piece things together from what they find.  After the investigation, things are spelled out much more clearly.  One addition that might have made the later sections easier to navigate would be putting key words in each bullet point in italics or bold just to help the eye catch them faster. "If there is a cultist aboard Umbra and it departs without the PCs, the cultist..." "If Umbra departs with no PCs or cultists aboard, the Behemoth is not..." etc. Minor quibble, but anything to shave a few seconds off "load times" while the GM finds the next section could be helpful.    7/10 Pts.  PC Relevance/Agency: So what do the PCs do?  Depending on their hook, they are drawn somewhere into the city with some task tying into the events stirring behind. the scenes. They start roaming around asking questions (this part that the PCs actually do is not very detailed), in the process stumbling into a series of semi-related events in which they hopefully find their way to Odium's ship. I'm not sure how they get "sufficient investigation" however...    After that, they either stop the ship, the cultist, or sneak aboard. Once aboard, a variety of things happen from Stella lashing out to fighting the Behemoth.  The only weak point, as above, is the investigation as the climax of the adventure hinges on it being successful and I'm not sure exactly how they piece together the location and purpose of the Umbra without the GM just leading them to it. If they find it, it's not due to their actions (as far as I can figure it), but me leading them by the nose to the right places. Even guiding them on the list of events could easily fail to lead them to the ship, upon which the rest of the adventure depends (leading to the "failure" state of fighting the Behemoth).  7/10 Pts.    Choices: The investigation is wide-open... so open that I'm not sure how it leads to the "correct" result. All I know is somehow they must find their way to the ship. Once there, the rest is highly dependent on what they do, so their choices and actions have incredible relevance.    Again, the weakness lies in the investigation, after that, the adventure is well-thought, well-paced, and laced with interesting outcomes.    8/10 Pts.    Rules: On time. Word count good. 10/10 Pts.    Ingredients    Ancient Curse: Odium's curse on the city which is part truth, part misdirection, and enforced only with direct action on Odium's part. I guess there's a trope of finding out the "passive" curse is actually a result of someone's secretive meddling, but as it stands I don't know if the curse stands on its own. I suppose you could say Odium is the curse in that case...    4/5 pts.  Moonlight Serenade: How Odium seduces the young women. Serenade in that it is out-of-doors enticement through song, moonlight because it is at night and Odium is so odious that even his magics can't make him attractive in full light.    5/5 pts.  Hate Story: Odium does hate the king, but it seems to be as much or more a revenge story, especially since Odium's emotional state is never mentioned. Hatred implies an emotional bent but I get more cold, reasoned action on Odium's part.  3/5 pts.  Sanctioned Kidnappings: The king's hired kidnappings of the noble women. These are not only sanctioned by the king, but arranged by him. I guess since he doesn't go into specifics as to who to take and how, it works as the "approved by authority", but these feels a bit direct for what I generally think of as sanctioning vs directing.      4/5 pts.Dirty Laundry: The dress of stars needed (potentially) to mend the Sail of Stars. The reason Stella(the unstable cargo) was brought on board. If she hadn't been wearing it, she wouldn't have been taken, but since there's no intrinsic need that she be taken at all, this isn't as strong as it could be even though it might be a hook and may somehow help them find the ship (?). It may be needed to mend the sail – which is pretty neat by the way – but there's a strong possibility the sail is never torn in the first place.  3/5 pts.  Awakened Behemoth: An actual behemoth submerged asleep beneath the sea. Its awakening is the "fail" scenario (enabling a further fail state of "it TPK'd us"). Essential and cool.    5/5 pts.  Unstable Cargo: Stella, the washer woman. Unfortunately, we don't have a reason for why she's so pissed off. She could equally have been terrified or apathetic or panicking. She does have the Dirty Laundry, tying the two together well, but in for all but the almost-worse-case-scenario, she needn't be on board at all.  3/5 pts.  Sail of Stars: The sail that propels the ship. It is needed to get across the beclamed sea (created by the Behemoth) and ties together well with the dirty laundry. It could be a Towing Porpoise or a Sail of Fire or something else instead, however.  4/5 pts.    Ingredient Weave:     Sentence:  The party enters a city wherein an Ancient Curse has caused a Hate Story involving Sanctioned Kidnappings taken by Midnight Serenade, including one whose wearing of Dirty Laundry may eventually make her give it up to fix the Sail of Stars while she is Unstable Cargo to be sacrificed to the Awakened Behemoth.    A bit of a stretch for a bit showing the weakness of the Dirty Laundry/Sail of Stars/Unstable Cargo triad.    Let's try replacements:    The party enters a city wherein an Ancient Curse has caused a Revenge Story involving Arranged Kidnappings taken by Midnight Serenade, including one whose wearing of Solar Doublet may eventually make her give it up to fix the Sail of Fire while she is Suddenly Berserk to be sacrificed to the Awakened Behemoth.    Pretty solid overall.    3/5 Pts.    Summary  The lack of clarity of how the investigation would go and how it might lead to the climax is the weak link in the otherwise excellent chain of events that make up this adventure. Aside from that, the adventure has great mood, generally strong and well-used ingredients, a cool story, a fun clash between two opposing evils – all-in-all the sort of thing that shows Rune's extensive IronDM pedigree.  Total: 84/105 Pts.[/sblock]  [sblock=Conclusion]I had no idea adding up Rune's score who was going to win and boy is that close. 1 point out of 105. Both were excellent adventures with a few slight drawbacks.    The Hulk's layout was bland and unhelpful, the writing was largely passive, and – if I read it correctly – the ship was completely linear.  With Strange Aeons had the opposite structural issue – the end game was excellent, but I'm not sure how you get there due to lack of explanation of how the player's investigation leads them to the ship.  Both had creative and well used ingredients with a few weaker elements, though no complete failures.    I think I agree with what my points tell me: it was extremely close on ingredients – with an edge to The Hulk – and both were fantastic adventures. Rune's writing was superior, which is not to say Deuce's was bad, it didn't detract from the adventure while Rune's added to his. Sad-to-say, if Deuce Traveler's layout looked like he cared at all about it at all, that alone would likely have gotten him the couple extra points he needed to clinch it.    [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION], I was so excited to see a scifi entry and would love to see how it plays out at the table. It could easily have gone either way (and if the other judges disagree with me, it will!)    [MENTION=67]Rune[/MENTION] takes the tournament in my judgment, we'll see if my fellow judges agree.[/sblock]</blockquote>

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