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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Deuce Traveler" data-source="post: 8754849" data-attributes="member: 34958">Judgement of Round 1, Match 3: Andrew Anderson's "Don't Forget to Remember" vs Kobold Stew's "Scree-crawlin’"[USER=23484]@Kobold Stew[/USER] presents us with an adventure filled with monsters and villagers that aren't all what they seem.  [USER=6898327]@Andrew Anderson[/USER] gives us a an adventure that could easily fit into a Planescape or Greek mythology-based fantasy RPG.I am going to grade each entry on whether or not they made the time and word count limit, each entry's readability, use of each ingredient, and finally the potential for a potential Dungeon Master.  Each section has a possibility of 2 points to be awarded.And here we go....[spoiler]Accordance to the RulesBoth entries were posted within the allotted amount of time and under the word count limit.  Good job!Andrew Anderson (AA)- 2 pointsKobold Stew (KS)- 2 pointsGrammar and ReadabilityThe only problem I had with "Scree-crawlin'" was the following poorly structured sentence: Nearby, a chain connected to the wall, the shackle of which has been snapped off.Still, it's a minor quibble.  Otherwise I was able to breeze through the entry easily enough in one go.  I award KS full points for this category."Don't Forget to Remember" is a great title and it reminds me of Phillip K. Dick.  Unfortunately, the rest of the entry is written in a choppy, almost categorical format.  I suppose this was done to better make the word count, but it also makes for difficult reading.  I can only give one point here.AA- 3 pointsKS- 4 pointsFirst Ingredient: Imprisoned HopeIn "Don't Forget to Remember", the Imprisoned Hope is a literal embodiment of the main NPC's despair.  This fits well narratively with the theme of being trapped in the afterlife by a myhological devil.  It hits upon both Greek beliefs of emotions equating to spirits that can be released to infect people or locked safely away, and on Christian themes of repentance.  I award full points to AA for this ingredient.In "Scree-crawlin'", the imprisoned Hope seems almost an after thought.  It's just a sprite that has been imprisoned and if I removed the sprite entirely from the adventure it would not be noticed.  I award zero points to KS here.AA- 5 pointsKS- 4 pointsSecond Ingredient: Transparent MaskIn "Scree-crawlin'", the mask is not too critical for the story as it just make's the hill giant appear as a headless monstrosity.  Still, it is a clever use of the ingredient and I'll award a point.In "Don't Forget to Remember", we have a similar issue.  The ingredient is more important to the story here as the characters have to create it to advance, but it could just as easily have been a helm or bubble.  There is no real reason for it to be a mask.This is a wash and each entry gets only one point.AA- 6 pointsKS- 5 pointsThird Ingredient: Alchemist's MachineIn "Don't Forget to Remember", there are alchemical machines used to heat the area around the River Lethe.  Although this works, the machines could just as easily have been thermal vents that need to be sealed or hot springs that need to be clogged.  Nowhere does it seem to be important that the heating needs to be done by a machine.  And who is Abelard?  He is only mentioned once in the entry, and that's in regards to the machine.  I can only award one point and I suppose Abelard would have been more important to the necessity of these being machines if he had been written more about.In "Scree-crawlin'", the Alchemist's Machine is central to the tale.  They kidnapped the alchemist, grabbed the machine from the same shop, and broken parts from it create a trail for the characters.  Most excellent.  I award full points here.AA- 7 pointsKS- 7 pointsFourth Ingredient: Smoking AlembicIn "Scree-crawlin'", the smoking alembic works perfectly in this entry.  It shows that the destruction of the shop occured only recently and that the players may be able to catch up to the offenders.  And the alembic works well with the alchemist machine ingredient.  I award full points for its use here.In "Don't Forget to Remember", the smoking alembic is the weakest ingredient of the entry.  Why is it important that it is a smoking alembic that heats the ice?  It seems that the alembic's smoking is incidental to the story.  So is the alembic for that matter.  Why couldn't the party use torches or a fireball spell?  Is the alembic some sort of artifact and if so, what more can be said about it?  I can't award any points here.AA- 7 pointsKS- 9 pointsFifth Ingredient: Mountain of DebrisNothing much to say here.  In both cases the Mountain of Debris is just an obstacle to overcome.  In "Don't Forget to Remember", it is a mountain of discarded ideas that needs to be climbed down.  This ties narratively with the entry, but nothing much else is done with it.  In "Scree-crawlin'" it's a mountain of loose rocks used as the monster's base that needs to be climbed up.  1 point for each entry.AA- 8 pointsKS- 10 pointsSixth Ingredient: Profitable BlackmailIn "Don't Forget to Remember", the profitable blackmail drives the background narrative.  A hero agrees to work with a devil to hide a shameful sin.  The hero serves the devil, which the devil is profiting from.  The players get involved to free the hero from the trap he is in.  The ingredient's use is integral and I award full points.In "Scree-crawlin'",  this ingredient is a bit of a mixed bag.  The blackmail plot is a little weak and has a couple of narrative holes.  If the villagers are scheming with using the monster's presence, why would the alchemist be able to be blackmailed for scheming with the monsters?  It seems like the villagers might want to be in on it.  If they want to blackmail the alchemist, why would the monsters capture the alchemist instead of smashing some stuff as a warning that the alchemist better pay up?  The intent to blackmail is there in the story, but it certainly isn't profitable for the monsters once they capture their target.AA- 10 pointsKS- 11 pointsPotential for the DMI'm going to give both entries some credit here... both of them have multiple solutions to the main problem and the players are not required to use force to progress.  This is much appreciated and to their benefit."Scree-crawlin'" is an adventure that can be played with little tweaking.  The adventure doesn't really stand out, but it is written in a way that a DM could set-up and run with maybe an hour or two of prep time."Don't Forget to Remember" is a lot more memorable, but it seems incomplete.  A Dungeon Master is going to have to put in a few hours to seal the cracks and fill in some of the blanks. This entry had some very good ideas, but it needed more time in the oven.  It probably would have won if Andrew Anderson had another day to rewrite it, but alas that time limit...AA- 11 pointsKS- 13 points[/spoiler]JudgementI am only human and ultimately my decision is subjective.  Please do not take my critiques personally, but at least consider them so that you may improve future entries.[spoiler]Kobold Stew advances to the next round.  He's an old pro at this and tied his ingredients well to a clean narrative.Andrew Anderson, you have the imagination to compete in these tournaments and I approve of the direction you were going, but you need to make your entries more readable and polished in the future.  I believe you simply ran out of time.  I look forward to seeing more from you.[/spoiler]</blockquote>

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