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<blockquote data-quote="Wicht" data-source="post: 9184904" data-attributes="member: 221"><p><strong>Iron DM 2023 Round 1, Match 2</strong></p><p><strong>[USER=59816]@FitzTheRuke[/USER] vs. [USER=23484]@Kobold Stew[/USER] </strong></p><p></p><p>As I have in years past, I will use my traditional method of scoring entries as it helps me put my thoughts in order and I am too indolent to come up with another system. For those not familiar with how it works, I semi-arbitrarily assign points to the entries and the one with the most points is declared the winner. Points are awarded as follows:</p><p></p><p style="margin-left: 20px"><strong>Followed the Rules:</strong> Wordcount, time limit, etc. (worth 6 points)</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><strong>Ingredient Use:</strong> Were all the ingredients legitimately used as a necessary part of the adventure? (worth up to 12 points, up to 2 pts per ingredient)</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><strong>Useability:</strong> How easy could a GM plop the adventure down into their game? (worth 6 points)</p> <p style="margin-left: 20px"><strong>Style:</strong> Personal preference – how much does the presentation and adventure appeal to the judge (worth 6 points)</p><p></p><p>For the second match of our first round this year, we have a delightfully weird, weird west offering from Mssr. theRuke, and a pleasant little “side-quest” D&D adventure from Sir Stew. Having read them each a few times, I think I have a clear favorite, but we will see how the points add up, as the demonic entity may be in the details.</p><p></p><p>Let us begin with the most basic of assessments: how well did each entry <strong><u>follow the rules</u></strong>? Our first entry, “<em>Murder in Beggar Gulch</em>,” (hereafter <strong><em>Murder</em></strong>) was turned in on time, clocks in at 742 words according to Wordcounter.net, and follows the correct format of title, ingredients, etc.. The second entry, “<em>Through a Mirror Darkly</em>,” (hereafter <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>) was also turned in on time, contains 744 words, and also has a title, etc..</p><p></p><p>Full points to each for following the rules. I will interject at this point that neither title really wows me, as they are both somewhat pedestrian. <em><strong>Through a Mirror Darkly</strong></em> is a title that has seen use, and <strong><em>A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch</em></strong>, while serviceable, would be better used, in my opinion, as a title when the murder is a true mystery to be solved, with clues, red-herrings and the like; and the location is a location where one might not expect a murder. Here we really just have a shooting in a town where shootings are likely common and a need to chase down the culprit. There is no real mystery such as the title might suggest. That being said, I have an adventure published in my own name entitled, “<em>Murder in Stoneholme</em>,” so take the specific critique with a small grain of sodium chloride.</p><p></p><p>Let us move then into the heart of the judging: <strong><u>ingredient use</u></strong>.</p><p></p><p>We have six ingredients and we will go through them one by one, starting with <strong>Broken Mirror</strong>. Let me start with the Broken Mirror in <strong><em>Murder</em></strong>, which is a cool mirror. A broken magic mirror that shows you different events from different days reflected in its surface? I like it a lot, but it doesn’t actually serve much of a purpose in the adventure. Sure, you could look in the mirror for clues, but most investigators are just going to ask around the bar first and get the info they need straight from Prospector Joe. It would have been better, I think to have it reflect something that couldn’t be gotten from the witnesses. Maybe something like a motive. The mirror in <strong><em>Mirror </em></strong>is also a neat item, though a bit cliched (not that there is anything wrong with cliche. But I am not sure why it is broken, or if being broken really matters much in the adventure, especially as the main way to escape, barring other ideas, is to break it more. Overall I think I prefer the mirror in <strong><em>Murder </em></strong>to the one in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>, though I would have liked to see it used more fully.</p><p></p><p>The <strong>Persistent Kitten</strong> is our next ingredient, and I am not greatly impressed with either use. The were-puma kitteness which bugs the PCs into solving the mystery in <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> is a use, possibly even a cute use, but she didn’t have to be a kitten, and if the PCs are the law, why does she need to pressure them into doing their job? Does she know something about the murder we don’t? Like a motive perhaps? The flavor of the were-puma also, for some reason, just doesn’t seem to quite fit the flavor of the rest of it all. On the whole the ingredient feels a bit tacked-on. The displacer beast kitten, in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>, on the other hand, provides a nice bit of color for the mirror world, but I don’t get a real feeling of persistence from the kittenish beast, and that’s a shame because it could have been played up later in the adventure as following the PCs everywhere, and getting underfoot. I was told the kitten was persistent, but I am not sure I was shown it. This ingredient is a bit of a wash, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>Our third ingredient is <strong>Clouded Vision</strong>. With <strong><em>Murder</em></strong>, I again feel a little bit like the ingredient is inserted, but not altogether necessary. The flavor of the blind devil-worshipping oracle is very nice, but what she shares is left vague, making me wonder what she is going to tell them that might actually move the adventure along or aid the PCs later? We are not told. Maybe she shares a motive for the murder with them, or warns them about the shadow puppets, but even so I have another semi-related issue, and that is, I am left wondering why western lawmen are riding the coach, when surely they have their own horses? Are they even going to encounter her? The clouded vision in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong> is used better, if in a somewhat uninspired manner. The confines of the mirror reduce visibility, creating a muted, mysterious atmosphere. That makes for a nice combination of mechanics, ingredient, and flavor. I must admit that I am not altogether convinced the clouded vision will ever fully come into play (see my thoughts on this later), but assuming it does, advantage goes to <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>With the fourth ingredient, <strong>Celebrated Bard</strong>, <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> commits the classic blunderof relegating the ingredient to background text. While not quite as catastrophic an error as going up against a Sicilian when death is on the line, for this competition it is a serious misstep. The storyteller’s identity as a “bard” doesn’t really matter all that much, except that people like him. But he could have been a generous banker, and it would have been much the same. Maybe the fact he told stories might have provided some motive to the murder, but it is likely that we will never know. On the other hand, the celebrated bard in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong> is the impetus of the adventure and an antagonist, and so points again to <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p><strong>Home Renovation</strong> is another ingredient where I am not completely satisfied with the use in <strong><em>Murder</em></strong>. Again, it feels unnecessary to the general plot. Sure, the PCs might volunteer to help in order to loosen the tongues of the farmer and his wife, but why the recalcitrance on the part of the two solid people of the earth in helping the local law? Is there something keeping them from wanting to talk? Maybe they know the motive for the murder and they don’t want to share it? It’s a nice bit of local color, but it just feels a bit contrived. The renovations in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong> are also a bit unnecessary and feel slightly contrived (the mirror alcove could have just as easily been in a secret passage as behind a “new” wall, and it would make no difference). I also find myself wondering what sort of lease allows one to just go about tearing out walls at leisure. If she had bought the house, that would make more sense to me. But that’s a bit of a muchness. I am going to give the nod here to <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>, but it’s slight.</p><p></p><p>We come then to the last ingredient, <strong>Shadow Puppet</strong>, and here I feel that <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> finally has the far better use. The shadow puppets in <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong> aren’t really. Shadows, yes. But puppets only in the loosest sense of the word. I feel like it’s more of a clever use of word-play than anything else, and word-play, when put up against actual puppets, as an ingredient use, is going to lose out. Additionally, the puppets casting lethal magical-shadows which can cut and slice in <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> are evocative and a fitting final encounter. One is left to guess how the murderer managed to pull off such a trick. My theory is that he stole the power from the storyteller somehow, and that’s the real motive for the murder. But that’s just my own conjuration. Advantage <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> here.</p><p></p><p>So casting our eyes over ingredients, and their usage, we see that there is an ever so small advantage being held by <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>. Let’s move on to my thoughts on useability, as well as which one appeals to me more, and see if the lead holds.</p><p></p><p>I gotta admit, that I find the mood and atmosphere in <strong><em>Murder</em></strong> to be quite good. Part of it is the voice used to present the entry, but a general creepy vibe runs throughout and it definitely, excepting a few hiccups like the were-pumas, seems to fit into a weird west I would like to visit (even though I doubt I would like living there). Some of those hiccups do interfere with my total acceptance of the setting, but if I jettisoned those things, I think that I could take this adventure and run with it. There are a few loose threads that need tightened, maybe an extra encounter and two that might be used to spice it up, and some of NPCs could use a rewrite. I would also like to know the motive for the murder, the source of the shadow puppets, and such; but the entry does something I appreciate in an Iron DM offering, and that is, it makes me want to finish the write-up. These aren't finished adventures after all, they are the outlines of an adventure. As I read it, I want to fix it and run it, because I think it would make a fun game, and I think the setting, on the whole, is one players (with the right mindset) would enjoy exploring more.</p><p></p><p>When I look at <strong><em>Mirror</em></strong>, I see a solid little side-quest (which I won’t hold too much against it, though I do prefer slightly meatier adventure offerings). The setting has some quirky things I like, though there are some elements in the set-up I think need better thought out, or explained, like why the bardess is knocking half the walls out of an expensive manor she is just leasing. Why does she invite them for tea and then ignore them as she takes a hammer to the wall? Did she think she was getting free labor? I am also not sure the PCs are going to try and break a mirror they encounter in someone else’s house, thus triggering the trap, and most players I know would go and try to research the mirror a little before just trying to smash it (and again, its already broke, so why try to smash it more?). My real difficulty with the adventure as presented, however, is the alignment reversal of the mirror world. Some groups would roleplay this well, I suppose. Some groups can roleplay anything well. A lot more groups, I suspect, would, if they did not balk at the idea of an alignment reversal, decide that their once kind-hearted PC is now going to murder their comrades. Assuming the PCs were all heroic before, why, once their attitude has been reversed, are they going to try and rescue their friend? Beyond this issue with the adventure, there is another problem I have and it is that, as written, I don’t think the adventure is going to be much of an adventure or quest. Once on the other side of the mirror, how many groups are not just going to have someone who tries to break the mirror from the inside, thus ending the adventure almost as soon as it starts. There is no need to chase the contrary bard through the mists if as soon as they break the mirror, everyone gets dumped back out in the alcove where it all started. Though there are some genuinely interesting ideas in the mirror world, I find none of them really matter. I don’t think they will ever get used. Because of these two, in my mind, glaring difficulties, the imaginary publisher inside of me says that if I was reading submissions and this one crossed my desk, I would send it back to be reworked.</p><p></p><p>[spoiler="Judgment"]</p><p>Thus, while <em>Through a Mirror Darkly</em> had the slightly better use of ingredients, I don’t think its enough to make up for the problems I see in the adventure as a whole. Thus, I find that in the end I am going to go with <em>A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch.</em> FitztheRuke advances to round 2.</p><p></p><p><strong><u>A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch</u> (<em>Murder</em>)</strong></p><p><strong>Follows Rules 6</strong></p><p><strong>Ingredient Use</strong></p><p style="margin-left: 20px">Broken Mirror <strong>1.5</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Persistent Kitten <strong>1</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Clouded Vision <strong>1.5</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Celebrated Bard <strong>1</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Home Renovation <strong>1</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Shadow Puppet <strong>2 (total 8/12)</strong></p><p><strong>Useability 5</strong></p><p><strong>Appeal 5</strong></p><p><strong><u>TOTAL SCORE</u>: 23.5/30</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong><u>Through a Mirror Darkly </u>(<em>Mirror</em>)</strong></p><p><strong>Follows Rules 6</strong></p><p><strong>Ingredients</strong></p><p style="margin-left: 20px">Broken Mirror <strong>1</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Persistent Kitten <strong>1</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Clouded Vision <strong>2</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Celebrated Bard <strong>2</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Home Renovation <strong>1.5</strong></p> <p style="margin-left: 20px">Shadow Puppet <strong>1 (total 8.5/12)</strong></p><p><strong>Useability 3 </strong></p><p><strong>Appeal 4</strong></p><p><strong><u>TOTAL SCORE</u>: 21.5/30 </strong>[/spoiler]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Wicht, post: 9184904, member: 221"] [B]Iron DM 2023 Round 1, Match 2 [USER=59816]@FitzTheRuke[/USER] vs. [USER=23484]@Kobold Stew[/USER] [/B] As I have in years past, I will use my traditional method of scoring entries as it helps me put my thoughts in order and I am too indolent to come up with another system. For those not familiar with how it works, I semi-arbitrarily assign points to the entries and the one with the most points is declared the winner. Points are awarded as follows: [INDENT][B]Followed the Rules:[/B] Wordcount, time limit, etc. (worth 6 points)[/INDENT] [INDENT][B]Ingredient Use:[/B] Were all the ingredients legitimately used as a necessary part of the adventure? (worth up to 12 points, up to 2 pts per ingredient)[/INDENT] [INDENT][B]Useability:[/B] How easy could a GM plop the adventure down into their game? (worth 6 points)[/INDENT] [INDENT][B]Style:[/B] Personal preference – how much does the presentation and adventure appeal to the judge (worth 6 points)[/INDENT] For the second match of our first round this year, we have a delightfully weird, weird west offering from Mssr. theRuke, and a pleasant little “side-quest” D&D adventure from Sir Stew. Having read them each a few times, I think I have a clear favorite, but we will see how the points add up, as the demonic entity may be in the details. Let us begin with the most basic of assessments: how well did each entry [B][U]follow the rules[/U][/B]? Our first entry, “[I]Murder in Beggar Gulch[/I],” (hereafter [B][I]Murder[/I][/B]) was turned in on time, clocks in at 742 words according to Wordcounter.net, and follows the correct format of title, ingredients, etc.. The second entry, “[I]Through a Mirror Darkly[/I],” (hereafter [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B]) was also turned in on time, contains 744 words, and also has a title, etc.. Full points to each for following the rules. I will interject at this point that neither title really wows me, as they are both somewhat pedestrian. [I][B]Through a Mirror Darkly[/B][/I] is a title that has seen use, and [B][I]A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch[/I][/B], while serviceable, would be better used, in my opinion, as a title when the murder is a true mystery to be solved, with clues, red-herrings and the like; and the location is a location where one might not expect a murder. Here we really just have a shooting in a town where shootings are likely common and a need to chase down the culprit. There is no real mystery such as the title might suggest. That being said, I have an adventure published in my own name entitled, “[I]Murder in Stoneholme[/I],” so take the specific critique with a small grain of sodium chloride. Let us move then into the heart of the judging: [B][U]ingredient use[/U][/B]. We have six ingredients and we will go through them one by one, starting with [B]Broken Mirror[/B]. Let me start with the Broken Mirror in [B][I]Murder[/I][/B], which is a cool mirror. A broken magic mirror that shows you different events from different days reflected in its surface? I like it a lot, but it doesn’t actually serve much of a purpose in the adventure. Sure, you could look in the mirror for clues, but most investigators are just going to ask around the bar first and get the info they need straight from Prospector Joe. It would have been better, I think to have it reflect something that couldn’t be gotten from the witnesses. Maybe something like a motive. The mirror in [B][I]Mirror [/I][/B]is also a neat item, though a bit cliched (not that there is anything wrong with cliche. But I am not sure why it is broken, or if being broken really matters much in the adventure, especially as the main way to escape, barring other ideas, is to break it more. Overall I think I prefer the mirror in [B][I]Murder [/I][/B]to the one in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B], though I would have liked to see it used more fully. The [B]Persistent Kitten[/B] is our next ingredient, and I am not greatly impressed with either use. The were-puma kitteness which bugs the PCs into solving the mystery in [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] is a use, possibly even a cute use, but she didn’t have to be a kitten, and if the PCs are the law, why does she need to pressure them into doing their job? Does she know something about the murder we don’t? Like a motive perhaps? The flavor of the were-puma also, for some reason, just doesn’t seem to quite fit the flavor of the rest of it all. On the whole the ingredient feels a bit tacked-on. The displacer beast kitten, in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B], on the other hand, provides a nice bit of color for the mirror world, but I don’t get a real feeling of persistence from the kittenish beast, and that’s a shame because it could have been played up later in the adventure as following the PCs everywhere, and getting underfoot. I was told the kitten was persistent, but I am not sure I was shown it. This ingredient is a bit of a wash, in my opinion. Our third ingredient is [B]Clouded Vision[/B]. With [B][I]Murder[/I][/B], I again feel a little bit like the ingredient is inserted, but not altogether necessary. The flavor of the blind devil-worshipping oracle is very nice, but what she shares is left vague, making me wonder what she is going to tell them that might actually move the adventure along or aid the PCs later? We are not told. Maybe she shares a motive for the murder with them, or warns them about the shadow puppets, but even so I have another semi-related issue, and that is, I am left wondering why western lawmen are riding the coach, when surely they have their own horses? Are they even going to encounter her? The clouded vision in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B] is used better, if in a somewhat uninspired manner. The confines of the mirror reduce visibility, creating a muted, mysterious atmosphere. That makes for a nice combination of mechanics, ingredient, and flavor. I must admit that I am not altogether convinced the clouded vision will ever fully come into play (see my thoughts on this later), but assuming it does, advantage goes to [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B]. With the fourth ingredient, [B]Celebrated Bard[/B], [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] commits the classic blunderof relegating the ingredient to background text. While not quite as catastrophic an error as going up against a Sicilian when death is on the line, for this competition it is a serious misstep. The storyteller’s identity as a “bard” doesn’t really matter all that much, except that people like him. But he could have been a generous banker, and it would have been much the same. Maybe the fact he told stories might have provided some motive to the murder, but it is likely that we will never know. On the other hand, the celebrated bard in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B] is the impetus of the adventure and an antagonist, and so points again to [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B]. [B]Home Renovation[/B] is another ingredient where I am not completely satisfied with the use in [B][I]Murder[/I][/B]. Again, it feels unnecessary to the general plot. Sure, the PCs might volunteer to help in order to loosen the tongues of the farmer and his wife, but why the recalcitrance on the part of the two solid people of the earth in helping the local law? Is there something keeping them from wanting to talk? Maybe they know the motive for the murder and they don’t want to share it? It’s a nice bit of local color, but it just feels a bit contrived. The renovations in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B] are also a bit unnecessary and feel slightly contrived (the mirror alcove could have just as easily been in a secret passage as behind a “new” wall, and it would make no difference). I also find myself wondering what sort of lease allows one to just go about tearing out walls at leisure. If she had bought the house, that would make more sense to me. But that’s a bit of a muchness. I am going to give the nod here to [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B], but it’s slight. We come then to the last ingredient, [B]Shadow Puppet[/B], and here I feel that [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] finally has the far better use. The shadow puppets in [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B] aren’t really. Shadows, yes. But puppets only in the loosest sense of the word. I feel like it’s more of a clever use of word-play than anything else, and word-play, when put up against actual puppets, as an ingredient use, is going to lose out. Additionally, the puppets casting lethal magical-shadows which can cut and slice in [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] are evocative and a fitting final encounter. One is left to guess how the murderer managed to pull off such a trick. My theory is that he stole the power from the storyteller somehow, and that’s the real motive for the murder. But that’s just my own conjuration. Advantage [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] here. So casting our eyes over ingredients, and their usage, we see that there is an ever so small advantage being held by [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B]. Let’s move on to my thoughts on useability, as well as which one appeals to me more, and see if the lead holds. I gotta admit, that I find the mood and atmosphere in [B][I]Murder[/I][/B] to be quite good. Part of it is the voice used to present the entry, but a general creepy vibe runs throughout and it definitely, excepting a few hiccups like the were-pumas, seems to fit into a weird west I would like to visit (even though I doubt I would like living there). Some of those hiccups do interfere with my total acceptance of the setting, but if I jettisoned those things, I think that I could take this adventure and run with it. There are a few loose threads that need tightened, maybe an extra encounter and two that might be used to spice it up, and some of NPCs could use a rewrite. I would also like to know the motive for the murder, the source of the shadow puppets, and such; but the entry does something I appreciate in an Iron DM offering, and that is, it makes me want to finish the write-up. These aren't finished adventures after all, they are the outlines of an adventure. As I read it, I want to fix it and run it, because I think it would make a fun game, and I think the setting, on the whole, is one players (with the right mindset) would enjoy exploring more. When I look at [B][I]Mirror[/I][/B], I see a solid little side-quest (which I won’t hold too much against it, though I do prefer slightly meatier adventure offerings). The setting has some quirky things I like, though there are some elements in the set-up I think need better thought out, or explained, like why the bardess is knocking half the walls out of an expensive manor she is just leasing. Why does she invite them for tea and then ignore them as she takes a hammer to the wall? Did she think she was getting free labor? I am also not sure the PCs are going to try and break a mirror they encounter in someone else’s house, thus triggering the trap, and most players I know would go and try to research the mirror a little before just trying to smash it (and again, its already broke, so why try to smash it more?). My real difficulty with the adventure as presented, however, is the alignment reversal of the mirror world. Some groups would roleplay this well, I suppose. Some groups can roleplay anything well. A lot more groups, I suspect, would, if they did not balk at the idea of an alignment reversal, decide that their once kind-hearted PC is now going to murder their comrades. Assuming the PCs were all heroic before, why, once their attitude has been reversed, are they going to try and rescue their friend? Beyond this issue with the adventure, there is another problem I have and it is that, as written, I don’t think the adventure is going to be much of an adventure or quest. Once on the other side of the mirror, how many groups are not just going to have someone who tries to break the mirror from the inside, thus ending the adventure almost as soon as it starts. There is no need to chase the contrary bard through the mists if as soon as they break the mirror, everyone gets dumped back out in the alcove where it all started. Though there are some genuinely interesting ideas in the mirror world, I find none of them really matter. I don’t think they will ever get used. Because of these two, in my mind, glaring difficulties, the imaginary publisher inside of me says that if I was reading submissions and this one crossed my desk, I would send it back to be reworked. [spoiler="Judgment"] Thus, while [I]Through a Mirror Darkly[/I] had the slightly better use of ingredients, I don’t think its enough to make up for the problems I see in the adventure as a whole. Thus, I find that in the end I am going to go with [I]A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch.[/I] FitztheRuke advances to round 2. [B][U]A Murder in Beggar’s Gulch[/U] ([I]Murder[/I]) Follows Rules 6 Ingredient Use[/B] [INDENT]Broken Mirror [B]1.5[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Persistent Kitten [B]1[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Clouded Vision [B]1.5[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Celebrated Bard [B]1[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Home Renovation [B]1[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Shadow Puppet [B]2 (total 8/12)[/B][/INDENT] [B]Useability 5 Appeal 5 [U]TOTAL SCORE[/U]: 23.5/30 [U]Through a Mirror Darkly [/U]([I]Mirror[/I]) Follows Rules 6 Ingredients[/B] [INDENT]Broken Mirror [B]1[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Persistent Kitten [B]1[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Clouded Vision [B]2[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Celebrated Bard [B]2[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Home Renovation [B]1.5[/B][/INDENT] [INDENT]Shadow Puppet [B]1 (total 8.5/12)[/B][/INDENT] [B]Useability 3 Appeal 4 [U]TOTAL SCORE[/U]: 21.5/30 [/B][/spoiler] [/QUOTE]
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