NOW LIVE! Today's the day you meet your new best friend. You don’t have to leave Wolfy behind... In 'Pets & Sidekicks' your companions level up with you!

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Message: <blockquote data-quote="loverdrive" data-source="post: 9187407" data-attributes="member: 7027139">[SPOILER="Jazz, tuxedos and inevitable nuclear annihilation"]<h2>INGREDIENTS</h2> <ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Star Ranger</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Purple Crayon</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Ancient Satellite</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Triple-sided Coin</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Wooden Artifact</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Sleeping Train</li> </ul>We open on a freight train speeding through Siberia, and the camera lingers on some kind of space wreckage marked with hammer and sickle hauled in one of the cars. Several people, dressed to kill, in three-pieces and bowties are tailing the train on roaring motorcycles. These are our characters:<h2>FRENCHIE,</h2>colorblind femme-fatale with a whole arsenal of gadgets up her short sleeve, the most amazing being actually comfortable high-heels silenced by the power of Unobtanium. And a pack of crayons, purple one being a mini-nuke in disguise.There’s a reason annihilation is inevitable.<h2>DOKTOR,</h2>crazy German scientist who gets very agitated if someone brings up that he doesn’t have a medical license. He says a Wundermaschine he caries in his briefcase produces gas with miraculous anesthetic properties on industrial scale, but it’s actually a paralyzing nerve agent.Patient is not in pain if they can’t scream, right? They look like they are asleep, at least!<h2>TANK,</h2>who is built like a tank, their face and voice are obscured by a gas mask and they mostly communicate like “MHHMHMM”, but the characters can understand them just fine, Chewbacca-style, this… thing is a psychotic killer with a mind of a child. Obsessed with Star Ranger superhero, their most prized possession is the first issue dated 1938. Oh, and also a minigun, a flamethrower and some other heavy ordnance.No, I don’t know how it fits in their pocket.[HR][/HR]A disembodied voice of a chain-smoker contacts them through earpieces. This is the<h2>ADMINISTRATOR,</h2>their boss, who will sometimes drop cryptic hints and gleefully comment on ongoing or imminent acts of destruction. In the event of approaching apocalypse, she will sound almost orgasmic.Maybe not even almost.[HR][/HR]After a brief soundcheck she immediately starts flirting with Frenchie and will not stop until someone asks about the mission.Then she’ll reveal that the wreckage is actually a<h2>2.000 YEARS OLD SOVIET SATELLITE</h2>from the future, and it’s an imperative that it should not arrive at its destination, and their employer highly encourages capture of all the data from it.What she doesn’t reveal (may or may not because she doesn’t know) is that it’s powered by actual magic, not just brilliant Soviet engineering. One of the two main components is a three-sided coin that, when tossed, basically inverts probability in a short bubble around it.Time travel is pretty improbable, after all.The other is a statue of Lenin, that looks like its made of wood, but it’s actually some sort of fungus-radiowave hybrid, working as the main processing unit of the whole system.And it’s not a statue. The body in Mausoleum is fake.Depending on how accepting to her advances Frenchie was, she may also reveal that it’s protected with state-of-the-art automated laser turrets.<h2>THE GENERAL,</h2>an imposing man in his 50s, with strength that can rival Tank’s is commanding the train and has codes to disable the lasers. He is patriotic to the point of zealotry, so bribes or threats are unlikely to work, unless his kid is used as a “leverage”.<h2>THE KID</h2>is a smart, observant and, above all, curious 5 year old boy who has seen his father input the codes a few times. He has a very strict upbringing and can barely imagine an illustrated book, yet alone a book that is nothing but flashy pictures![HR][/HR]<h2>BEFORE THE GAME</h2>Show the players pretty much any of the Team Fortress 2 promotional videos. Meet the Spy, Meet the Medic and Meet the Pyro will illustrate who the characters are, and Expiration Date is just hilarious.<h2>DURING THE GAME</h2>Describe the situation, ask The Most Important Question: “What ya gonna do?”, smirk, describe what results it will have and ask if they wish to proceed. If they do, exactly that will happen.If they don’t, give them a chance to reconsider, but don’t let them drag their feet for too long. If they keep trying to play it safe, they will waste time, and time is precious! Put pressure on them, and keep putting it until something explodes.And, above else, maintain an over-the-top cartoonish tone. Administrator being all-seeing and all-knowing is a good way to inject direct commentary, but remember: first, she can’t really do anything from her command center, second, she seeks amusement and wouldn’t hesitate to withhold crucial information just for laughs.<h2>AFTER THE GAME</h2>Play Vera Lynn’s rendition of “We’ll meet again”.[/SPOILER]</blockquote>

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