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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Rune" data-source="post: 236177" data-attributes="member: 67">Alright.  I'll break this up section by section and save my analysis of your use of the ingredients for last.  I'm going to be as harsh as I possibly can, here (as I will be for all of the entries that I critique).  Please don't take it personally or badly if I trash something you really like; I have my own biases that will inevitably slip through, although I will try to curb them; I will try to be as nemmerlesque as I can possibly be in my critique.  My hope is that I will help you (in general, not evileeyore in particular) to give strong showings in future installments of the Iron DM tournament.Okay, evileeyore (I love the name, by the way) first:First, the background:  A little sketchy, but not bogged down in convoluted detail.  I would hesitate to say that the background is stellar; with the opposing power factions and guilds, there would have been ample opportunities to flesh out some intrigue, but evileeyore did not focus on it.  Still, it's interesting enough and strong enough to provide a good backbone for the scenario, which is the point.  I do have one issue, however.  Why hasn't Boreanis' crew figured out that he is a vampire, if he keeps seducing women and stealing them away (and presumably being finished with them before they get to the next port)?Next, the hooks:  First of all, don't ever say:   That's just inviting the reader to find something wrong with it.You varied the hooks, which is good, and, while I generally don't like hooks that require railroading from the DM, you're patrons are not so bad.  I can't really say that I think your first hook is any good, though; maybe it's just the games I've been in, but PC's, in my experience, don't go from town to town looking for odd jobs, like drifters from the Dust Bowl.  The jobs tend to find them.  I guess my problem with this one is that it requires a proactive decision on the part of the players, before the game even begins, which they probably won't go for.  On the other hand, your last hook is very nice.  It's broad enough to be easy for use and doesn't require that the PCs feel railroaded at all.  If they want something, they have to pay for it.  Nice.Okay, now for the scenario:  Overall, it's a pretty nice little scenario, offering the PCs a chance to interact with a number of interesting characters.  However, I have a couple of questions/issues.  First, why, why, why, oh, why did you have to throw in a drow?  Second, there doesn't look like much action can take place in this scenario.  It's good to provide ways to avoid action, if the players choose, but it's not good to not provide ways for the players to get into some action, if they want to.  You have some areas that could have been pretty good for it, but you defuse the situation--for instance, your angry mob would have been a great adversary, but it is instead calmed by an NPC.  That's not good.  Okay, it's possible the PC's could fight the guards of the dragon (who are the guards, by the way?  Does the town know about the dragon?), the vampire, or the dragon itself, but it seems most likely that they won't.  Sigh.Alright, now for the ingredients:  I think you blew your use of the Angry Mob.  You should try to create ingredients that the PCs can interact with in some significant way.  Here, all the PCs can do is sit around and watch your drow do everything.  Bah.Your use of the Costume Jewelry feels tacked on at first, but it is redeemed by it's intricate weaving throughout the rest of the scenerio.  However, your definition of "costume jewelry" must differ from mine, because, in my world, costume jewelry is fake.  For this reason only, I don't think your use of the ingredient would cut it.No matter how many times I read this scenario, I can't find the Alchemist's Fire.  I'm forced to conclude that you didn't bother with it, or it's painfully tacked on in an incredibly obscure manner.  Strike.I like your Silver Dragon.  He's righteous and blinded by his own arrogance.  I think this is a strong character that could have used some more development.On the other hand, I can't see why your Foppish Vampire Bard is foppish at all.  He's a fairly good character; a vampire out at sea brings us back to the classics, while keeping things tense, as well.  Having the PCs in a confined space with a vampire is a rat-bastardly thing to do, especially if it is their decision to board the ship.  This is good.  However, because your vampire isn't a fop, no dice.I also like your use of the Apparatus of Kwalish (or, more accurately, the handful of them!)  I do wonder how and why the Thieves' guild loaned so many to the vampire, though--and why you don't list this as information the PCs can find out.Overall, I'd say it's a pretty good entry, but not so polished.  It has several flaws that could have been avoided with patience and care.  In the end, I can't really say that I think this entry would have beaten Vaxalon's, but it's a pretty good stab at it.  I hope to see more of your entries; you're creative--and that's the most important thing to be in the Iron DM tournament.</blockquote>

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