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Message: <blockquote data-quote="carpedavid" data-source="post: 2304348" data-attributes="member: 6971">Round 1, Match 4: Dremmen vs. EvilhalflingBy now, you should all know the drill. Go read the entries from <a href="http://www.enworld.org/showpost.php?p=2295209&postcount=95" target="_blank">Dremmen</a> and <a href="http://www.enworld.org/showpost.php?p=2296845&postcount=109" target="_blank">Evilhalfling</a>, and come on back. What we've got, in this matchup, are two entries that are in need of significant revision. Let's start by trying to extract the essence of each adventure so that we know what we have to work with.Evilhalfing gives us a Dryad Queen whose daughter has run away. The PCs are hired to go find her and bring her back. It's a simple, straightforward plot. Dremmen, on the other hand gives us a murder-mystery of sorts. An evil priestess has been out committing murders with the help of her undead followers, and the PCs are brought in to investigate. The direction of the adventure is purposely left open, so that the PCs can maneuver as they see fit. So far, so good. Each adventure has a solid and intriguing premise, but do they follow through in the execution of the adventure? Well, let's take a look. Dremmen begins with one hook - the PCs are one group among many searching for the serial killer, Nightshade, for the promise of a big reward. It's not overly creative, but it is perfectly appropriate to the plot. It also serves to set up the potential for rival groups to get in on the action.Fortunately, Dremmen's description of the potential investigation doesn't involve leaving clues that wait around for the PCs to find them. The questioning of the individuals involved is something that multiple groups can accomplish successfully, and that won't be ruined by a rival group arriving before the PCs.Once the PCs pick up some clues, though, then the adventure shifts into heavily-scripted mode. The clues lead the PCs to either the Enchanted Forest or directly to the ship, Ettercap. If the PCs head to the brothel first, then they're lead into a secret room, and attacked by the "Dryads." Then they have to head out to the Ettercap, where they fight Nightshade. If, on the other hand, the PCs stalk the boat, and follow it into the harbor, they'll once again have to fight the zombie hookers, and Dremmen states that Nightshade will escape the fight to get back on the boat. Either case leads the PCs to the same place: a boat that sails under its own power, and can't be prevented from heading to the final set piece.First, I have serious problems any time an NPC automatically escapes the PCs. I don't care what the reason is - if the NPC needs to escape from the PCs in order for the adventure to continue, then the adventure is poorly designed. Why? Because it leads to DMs breaking the rules. Even though DMs can't technically "cheat," the suspension of disbelief that allows everyone to participate in the collective improvisation that we call role-playing is predicated on the idea that everyone exists in the same artificial reality. If, all of a sudden, the NPCs get to ignore the laws of this collective fantasy, it breaks the fourth wall. It's like watching a magic show, and then catching a glimpse of the magician pocketing the coin when you're supposed to be watching the wand he's waving around.The railroading doesn't stop there, though. Once the PCs get onto the ship, they're bound for the Sea of Souls. It doesn't matter whether they kill Nightshade, throw her overboard, or end up hiding in the hold the whole time. The ship takes them where the DM wants them to go, and they have no control over it. Sometimes, a little loss of control can keep players on their toes. Here, however, it's a contrived setup for a final battle. Indeed, they're sailed to a point in the ocean that they have no knowledge of, accosted by some spirit that they've never met, and then, if they can kill it, they get to keep the ship.As a player, I'd be questioning the DM's skills by this point. I'm not sure if Dremmen ran out of time, but he goes from a well-detailed setup to a sparse, poorly-thought out climax.Evilhalfling, on the other hand, starts out on shaky ground. The background, as it is written, is nearly unintelligible. It almost looks like he was in the process of brainstorming some notes and was planning on going back to revise it, but then forgot. Please, go back and revise that first paragraph. Even though it doesn't make a bit of difference now, I feel bad for that particular piece of prose. It deserves better.Fortunately, he segues into a much more readable section where he lays out the summary of the adventure. The hooks are fairly mundane, but should be enough to get a party to meet with the frantic queen. It might be a short adventure, though, because the Queen of the Dryads risks alienating the party by trying to charm the PCs. However, he does mention that the queen will break down in tears if the group threatens to leave. In the hands of a capable DM, she could come off as sympathetic - a woman who is willing to do anything to save her daughter. On the other hand, the PCs might tell her to get bent and leave. Like I said, risky.If they do agree to go along, the queen will give them a wand of locate object and sends them on their way. Here, I immediately sense a problem. The wand has five charges, but he makes a notation of "40 minutes each." I'm assuming that this notation refers to the time it took the queen to "grow" each charge, because a 40 minute duration would indicate that she was a 40th level caster, in which case, she certainly doesn't need the help of the PCs (tree-bound or not).Let's assume, though, that the locate object spell functions at the minimum caster level (as most wands do). He mentions that the queen has levels in bard, so we'll go with a minimum caster level of 4, which gives us five charges with a duration of 4 minutes each, and a range of 560 ft. I dunno about you, but that doesn't seem like it's going to be much help when the area that you have to search is 3 miles plus 2 miles, plus some random wandering.Fortunately, Evilhalfing doesn't bring up the wand again until his section on what to do if the PCs fail all of their search/spot/listen checks, called Troubleshooting. Here, he mentions that the PCs can hone in on her silver necklace, over the course of several hours. Unfortunately, as I mention above - they don't have hours worth of spell available to them. They've got 20 minutes, tops, and they have to be pretty close to their target (560 feet) in order for the spell to pick up on it.Let's assume, though, that the PCs use the natural means of following clues and making some good spot rolls to track the progress of the dryad. If they're successful, they end up at the sanctified graveyard that's known as the "See of Souls." The graveyard itself is guarded by archons, which are lawful good outsiders. It would be an appropriate use of the creatures, if it weren't for their behavior. It's one thing for the archons to guard the graveyard and defend it from troublemakers. It's entirely another for the hound archon leader to start fights which the lantern archons don't back him up on. That doesn't sound very lawful to me. I know that Evilhalfling is trying to work in the Arrogance ingredient, but one can be arrogant without being chaotic.Regardless of how the archons behave, they provide a clue to the next location of the dryad, which is an encounter with the ettercaps. Here, Evilhalfling does a good job of defining the creatures' tactics, and even throws in a few clues that point to the prior presence of the dryad. Once the ettercaps are defeated, then it's only a few more good spot checks to finding Nightshade.Evilhalfling has managed to create a linear adventure that I, as a player, wouldn't find to be overly railroaded. He has a number of missteps along the line, but he finishes strongly. At this point in the judging, I think EH has a slight advantage. Let's look at the ingredient use, and see if he can retain his lead.Let's begin with the Silver Necklace. Here, neither contestant impresses. Evilhalfling's silver necklace belongs to the missing dryad, and comes into use only as a focus for the locate object spell. Not only is the spell likely to be of little use in this adventure, and therefore the ingredient, but his use doesn't necessitate it being silver or a necklace. It could have been an ectoplasmic corset, or a darkwood dagger, or, well, you get the idea.Dremmen, on the other hand, chooses to name his town the Silver Necklace, after the shimmering river that circles it. While a non-literal interpretation of an ingredient can be good (witness Wulf's use of the darkwood dagger in the second match of this round), it still needs to play a role in the adventure. Here, the ingredient has almost no meaning beyond the name of the town. Neither contestant gains ground here.Next is Nightshade. Here, Dremmen uses the ingredient as the name of the serial killer. It's not a bad use of the ingredient, necessarily, since nightshade is famous for being deadly, and the killer in question does leave behind a calling card of a nightshade blossom. However, it's not a particularly strong use, especially when compared with his opponent's.Evilhalfling uses the ingredient as both the name and the nature of his dryad. The more I thought about it, the more ingenious I realized this use was. First, Evilhalfling either knows his plants or knows how to effectively google, since he nails the description of Atropa belladonna perfectly. Second, he uses the presence of nightshade as a clue to the dryad's whereabouts. Third, he manages to tie in the contact poison that nightshade (the plant, and by extension, the dryad) exudes into the encounter with the ettercaps (the weakened ettercap with the dilated pupils), and into the PCs potential rescue attempt. Of all of the ingredient use in this contest so far, I actually think this is the strongest. Evilhalfling pulls farther into the lead.Since I just mentioned the dryad, let's examine the Queen of the Dryads. Evilhalfling's use is fairly mundane. The queen, here, is a literal dryad, who takes the title of Queen, because she's one of the few remaining tree-spirits left. Is it inventive? Not really. By itself, it's serviceable. However, EH's use of this ingredient is strengthened by its relationship to the nightshade ingredient. Setting up the dryad daughter improves this ingredient ten-fold, and justifies the Queen's existence as a dryad, instead of a nymph, or sylph, or other fey.Dremmen takes the metaphoric route, once again, and creates a brothel called the Enchanted Forest. The workers all dress like a drunken sailor's vision of a dryad, which fits the setting that Dremmen has created quite well. That the workers all happen to be evil and undead doesn't seem to matter much to their clientele, but again, that seems to fit the setting. He ties the "dryads" to his use of the nightshade ingredient, and also to the Sea of Souls, who they are all cultists of.However, the Queen of the Dryads is the actual ingredient, and here the queen is simply the madam of the brothel. The PCs don't really have any opportunity to interact with her, other than to potentially fight her near the end of the adventure. Her existence is almost superfluous, in that regard. I really wish Dremmen had given Nightshade a dual identity as the serial killer and the Queen of the Dryads - that would have a far stronger use of the ingredient than what was represented here. Heck, if he had at least pointed out that, since Nightshade is the de-facto leader of the cultists, she's also a "queen" of sorts, I'd be praising this ingredient use. But he didn't, so I can't. Again, Evilhalfling gains more ground.This brings me to the Sea of Souls. Here, Evilhalfling goes the non-literal route, and gives us the "See" of souls. Honestly, I can't say I'm overly impressed. I've expressed my reservations about the inhabitants of said "See" in the analysis of the adventure design above, so I don't need to go on here.Dremmen, on the other hand, gives us a very interesting cult to a very interesting sea god, whose motivations drive the activities of the antagonists. By the nature of its role, it ties pretty neatly into the rest of the adventure. Here, Dremmen's use of the ingredient is far superior. He reduces Evilhalfling's lead by a bit, but we've only got two ingredients left. Can he catch up?The abstract ingredients are often the hardest to integrate. I know that, in my experience, it was usually the one I tied in at the last moment. Here, Evilhalfling uses the ingredient to represent the young dryad's motivation to leave her tree and go on a quest. He also uses it interactively with the Queen, who arrogantly assumes that she can go around charming whomever she pleases. Unfortunately, he also attributes it to the hound archon, which, as I've discussed in the playability section above, is problematic. It could have been a decent use of the ingredient, but instead, I'm left with a bad taste in my mouth.Dremmen uses arrogance as the motivation for his antagonist to leave a calling card behind. I'm not entirely sure why she's so arrogant, but there it is. Unfortunately, the arrogance, and by extension, the calling card, don't provide any meaningful clues! The nightshade blossom ties the murders together, certainly, but the ladies of the enchanted grove don't even have the plant growing out back. I guess it's meant to draw attention to the series of deaths, which leads to the PCs becoming involved. I'll give Dremmen credit for this ingredient, but he doesn't gain any ground on Evilhalfling.That leaves us with Ettercap. Evilhalfling uses actual ettercaps as a credible threat to both the PCs and the young dryad, and he specifically uses their non-lethal poison as a convincing reason for his Nightshade to end up incapacitated and in need of rescue.Dremmen, on the other hand, names his Nightshade's boat the Ettercap. That's it. That's the only attempt to tie the ingredient into the adventure. There's absolutely no significance to the name, no reason for it to exist at all. If, as I mentioned earlier, we've had the strongest use of an ingredient in this match, here we have the weakest. This is even worse than hiding an ingredient in the background of a story, a major Iron DM no-no. He might as well not have used it at all.So, to summarize, <spoiler: highlight to read>[spoiler]Dremmen gives us an extremely flavorful setup, but then fails to follow through. Evilhalfling provides us with a more mundane adventure that suffers from fewer flaws. Dremmen's overall item use was weak, while Evilhalfling's had some strong and weak use. It must be apparent by now that Evilhalfling[/spoiler]</spoiler> advances.I would like to make a suggestion to all competitors, present and future. Proofread before you submit! Use your grammar check, and above all, make sure that what you've written makes sense. I'm fully capable of digging through poorly-proofed entries, but it certainly doesn't dispose me toward you. You're much more likely to receive the benefit of the doubt if your entry is clearly written, than if it is not.</blockquote>

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