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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Tokiwong" data-source="post: 82073" data-attributes="member: 961">Misha's Journal #12: A sad Tale of LossMisha's Journal #1230th of Deepwinter, 1373 DRHappiness is a fleeting dream that I know now I will never have. It is not my place to know happiness, only the cold unrelenting grip of pain. I have lost Ellyn, and I fear I have lost Vallia as well. Perhaps it is for the best, for her, for maybe all I do is bring her pain. She has been cursed with a love for me that will never die, and that curse has brought her nothing but pain. Tears can do little to show the pain I suffer, for it pales to what Vallia has been placed through.We are in Amn now, after a month of gratingly silent travel, she has been like a ghost. Perhaps my words wounded her more so then I ever could imagine. I was happy to be in Athkatla, back in Amn on home turf. Or so I thought, but the ghosts of the past, haunt me everywhere I look. I was swamped with the images of my youth, and the troubled dreams of Ellyn… I had thought it was but a passing dream, but the closer we came to Amn, the more intense they became.I did what I could to try and lift Vallia’s spirit, but she was listless and I had grown weary of her manner. She would not talk to me, she would not listen to me, and perhaps at the time I wondered if she still loved me. Gruush left as we soon entered the Waft to visit his brother monks, while the rest of us entered the Waft. I decided that perhaps we should seek rest at the Silent Siren, where our adventures began, I might add. Unfortunately it was there that my string of bad luck would begin.A large oaf, Adka, sadly I knew him all too well in my youth decided that my Vallia would be the perfect prize for him to take home. Of course I had to intervene, at first I tried to lighten the mood by buying a round of drinks, hoping that this would not need to come to blows. Not that I wasn’t prepared to do so, mind you, but I am trying to keep bloodshed to a minimum. I told him, I was Burning Rose, to which he retorted that Burning Rose was dead. A somewhat true statement, though I will reiterate I am very much alive. But the Burning Rose he knew is very much gone. Adka of course felt the need to press the issue and I nearly moved to gut him where he stood when I heard the familiar voice of my past… Vandal.I whirled and came face to face with him, his face swathed in cloth, his clothes dark, he emanated power. The Shadow Thieves had been good to Vandal, much too good. His demeanor had not changed, not that I expected it to. But of course as old friends we exchanged pleasantries although, at the time I doubt he knew who I was, since last we parted I was a man and not an elf. He took us into his custody and led us towards a safe house, all as I had expected, until he took Vallia and Aliya to a different location. That, I did not expect and it was then I wondered what game Vandal could be playing. I will not deny that I was on edge as were the rest of my allies. I was surprised to see Gruush though, since he had parted company, but it seems Vandal’s eyes are everywhere.He brought us into an interior chamber and it was only then that he revealed his face; it was ebon-black, yet it was Vandal. I did not understand what change could have taken hold in Vandal’s heart. But I feared, correctly that negotiations would not go as I had planned. It was then that Vandal asked how it was that I became an elf. I must admit I tried to stall why I thought of a convenient excuse to keep Vallia and Aliya safe and yet satisfy his curiosity. Vandal as always saw through my attempt but he at least gave the illusion that my story satisfied his whims. Vandal had definitely risen through the ranks of the Shadow Thieves; he of course had the stomach and the ambition to do what had to be done. He asked me then of Ellyn and I felt as if slapped, I had been trying to keep her from my mind, to stay focused on the task at hand. I told Vandal that she had passed on; I was surprised by his words;“I am sorry, I did not know. I always thought... if you two parted, you would return to us.”At the time I was not sure what he meant by that, but knowing what I do now, I can see just how far he had fallen. Yet everything he has done, he has done out of a twisted form of friendship. But I stayed the course and moved the conversation to the Sword and the Jewel, if only to keep my thoughts on the moment and not of the past. I told him I wanted information on where to find the Sword, and that I knew where the Jewel was but I could not get to it without the Sword. I tried to appeal to his sense of greed, but perhaps I sorely underestimated just far Vandal had fallen. In the end, my attempts were futile, it seems that both Aliya and Vallia were to be handed over to an elven lord, Thain. It seems that him and Vandal were “old” friends, immediately I knew that this would only get worse. I knew what Vandal intended, and in that instant, the last vestige of friendship in my heart burned away replaced by hatred. Vandal had fallen far, and his only salvation was death. I could not sway his mind and in the end he threw us out on the street, and spared us for the sake of our friendship.I was unsure of what to do as we wandered the streets until I thought of the place where Ellyn and I often stayed. I thought quickly got my bearings and then rushed through the streets, the rest of my allies followed as I raced through the streets, snatching an apple from a fruit stand on the way. I slowed my run to a walk as I came closer to the decrepit building that I had once called home. It had not changed much, even the bums and vagrants seemed familiar, and I could almost see Ellyn outside tending to our clothes on the line. A brief smile came to my face as I continued on wrapped in the comforting throes of nostalgia.I had Karanaj use his spell of “Bull’s Strength” upon us before we entered, an act of prudence in case we would have to fight, an extra ounce of strength can always help I say. We then entered my old home; the interior was the same as it had always been. I smiled briefly before listening to the first door; I could not make out much and simply opened the door and entered. Two men playing cards looked at me in surprised and demanded what I wanted. I leveled my blade at them and whispered for them to be silent. They confirmed my suspicions that the Shadow Thieves used this place as a safe house. I smiled and had them go to their knees before the woman who would turn my world upside down entered the room. She entered the room from an adjacent back room, and was a slim haunting beauty. She was the spitting image of Ellyn, her only distinguishing feature being her crimson red hair. But the eyes… they reminded me of Ellyn’s eyes.I remember uttering her name, lost in a moment of pure remembrance. I had to shake off the thoughts and focus on the task at hand. I had Nym and Gruush bind the two men, and I assured them that neither would come to harm if they complied. I turned to the half-elven woman again mesmerized by her uncanny resemblance to Ellyn; it was then that I heard Vandal’s voice echoing through the room. I turned to the hallway but saw nothing but his voice continued, taunting me, laughing at my predictability. I told him that I would not leave Athkatla without Vallia and he replied;“So it is the wildcat ...who has taken Ellyn's place. How many must you lose before you cease replacing them?”The words stung me bitterly, like nothing else in this world. I wondered for a brief moment if the words were true… if I had tried to replace Ellyn with Vallia. Even now, I do not know, for the similarities are there. Vallia is very much like Ellyn, more so then I care to realize. I love them both, but I could not live with myself if I have chosen Vallia simply as a reminder of Ellyn…Vandal’s voice trailed off as the half-elven girl, I would come to know as Noriya spoke up, asking if I knew Ellyn. I told her I knew her well, to which she seemed confused. Ellyn had never mentioned an elf, in turn I told her I was a man then, a man by the name of Misha Koldun. She seemed surprised but elated and then told me something I never expected to hear. Ellyn was with child before she died, and perhaps she had given birth before she passed. There are no words to express the rush of pain, anger and torment I felt in those brief moments as the words ripped through my frame. I fear I lost myself for a moment, trying to cope with a thousand thoughts at once. In the end, I resorted to anger, and claimed that I had no child and that all I wanted was Vallia. She was angry and ran to her room, I followed of course and kicked in her door. To find nothing, the room was empty. Thankfully after a brief search Nym found a trap door in the floor leading into the sewers.We went down into the sewers and followed Nym, he has a talent for tracking and scouting which served us well in the sewers. We moved quickly until four rogues, pawns of the Shadow Thieves, blocked our path. I was in no mood to parley, when they spoke I answered with a vicious swing of my blade cutting into the rogue with two terrible slashes. The rest of my allies moved to engage the rogues, the melee quick and bloody neither side neither asking nor giving any quarter. I must admit I was angry and relished the chance to shed blood if only to abate my anger and pain. The battle seemed to be well in hand until I was hit in the back with magic-missiles, I truly loathe that spell. A mage was some distance away behind us and assaulted me with reckless abandon. I took my opponents head and turned to rush towards the mage my blade in hand, thankfully my boots granted me quick speed and allowed me to cover the distance rather easily. I dropped to my knees and drew my long bow and aimed waiting for the mage to cast his spells once more. I launched a flurry of arrows, but to no avail, I could not disrupt his concentration as he casted. In the end his magic knocked me senseless. If it were not for the quick actions of Karanaj then I fear I may have lost my life once more. Once the cool liquid of the potion went down my throat, I stood once more and began to heal the others with the wand Karanaj had given me.We pressed on after the checking the bodies, I was still feeling the fires of rage, but maintained my focus. The group still needed a levelheaded leader, if we were to find Vallia and Aliya, alive. We came to the end of the sewer line, there was a ladder that leads to a manhole cover, and I took a moment to listen before going up. The street was dirty and fairly unsavory, it smelled of my youth and I was on familiar turf once more. I took a moment to get my bearings when I saw the flash of red hair down the road. I rushed quickly after and caught Noriya quite easily. I grabbed her and drug her into an alley and then pushed her against a wall, needless to say I was not happy with the way things had gone over the course of the day.We exchanged vicious little words, and I nearly lost my temper with her. But thankfully Karanaj intervened and I was able to collect my thoughts and words and convince Noriya of my good intentions despite myself. She told me what I had begun to suspect, that Vandal killed Ellyn, my hatred towards has only intensified. She led us to a dirty seedy tavern, a place where Vandal usually keeps women, for what purpose I do not know, but I am sure it is more foul then good. The place was as much as I expected it to be, dirty and unsavory and filled with characters that would best be left alone in the darkness. Noriya took to fawning over me, showering me with “mock” affection. I have to say I rather enjoyed the attention. I had Nym go upstairs at Noriya’s request while the rest of us waited down below.I am not sure what compelled me, but I thanked Noriya for her help, to which she simply kissed me. Not an act, but a kiss, she smiled at me, and I felt as if once more Ellyn was in my arms. I felt as if Ellyn was at my side once more, and a strange feeling of calm and peace fell over me, an old feeling I had not felt in some time. I became distracted focusing on Ellyn… I mean Noriya… I don’t know… but at some point I remember stepping outside and thanking Noriya for her kindness despite my actions. She smiled at me as I placed my hands on her hips, and then I kissed her. I kissed my Ellyn deeply, though even if she called herself Noriya, she felt so much like my Ellyn. I lost myself in her eyes, and her lips. If it had not been for Nym, I would have lost much more to her. Nym had returned under the cloak of invisibility along with Vallia in his arms. I was shocked and I remembered then my vows to Vallia, my marriage, and my love for her. I felt a wash of shame. I had little time to ponder my actions as the rest of my allies gathered around me, Noriya leading us to a place we could use as shelter and rest.Nym placed Vallia on the bed and the spell dissipated, they had beaten her badly, for as Aliya said, she would not stop fighting. I seethed, but I knew that was my Vallia, my wife, she was like me, she would never give up. Never, and I knew then why I loved Vallia and only Vallia. She was not a replacement, but my soul mate. I used my divine magic to heal Vallia and then I kissed her lips lightly as she uttered my name. I could only smile, and I knew then that I would have to let Ellyn go, and keep only Vallia in my heart.I bade Aliya watch over her and turned to I could speak with Noriya once more. I had much to make amends for, but sadly the words did not come. Only more kisses, more washes of memory, more pain… I did not want to lose Ellyn again, but I knew in my heart that she was not Ellyn. She was only a painful reminder of a past I cannot reclaim. All I can do is hope that I can find my child, which is my one hope to make good on the faults of my past. I led her outside and finally during the midst of another kiss I told her, that I could not, for in my lust I wanted Noriya, but in my heart… my love… my soul… was only for Vallia. Noriya left me then… I did not wish to see her go… but it was for the best.I returned to Vallia amidst glares from both Karanaj and Aliya, I tried to dismiss them as best as I could. But I understood that I had shamed myself in their eyes, I had failed as a husband, and my only course was to make amends. Aliya and Karanaj left me then alone with Vallia. I told her that I felt her sister had assumptions about me, and that I did not like her. Vallia then said;“My sister is not one to make assumptions. She deals in facts. What were you doing outside?”I broke then, I could not lie to her, and I told her the truth, I held nothing back. She turned away from me; I tried to comfort her with a kiss but she would have none of it. I had failed, and all I had left to give was my love and my honest words. She bade me to go and I asked her if she still loved, her words barely escaped her lips tortured… but she said yes. I felt a deeper shame them, for she had no choice in her love, if she could she would hate me I am sure; for I am truly a bastard. I took off my ring in that moment and placed it on the dresser and looked to Vallia and told her goodbye. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I do not know if she will ever accept me again, I am a horrible despicable man, and happiness is perhaps the one thing I shall never hold dear. Like butterfly it will wilt under my care, best to let it be and only watch… but never hold. For I am not worthy of it, and I doubt I ever shall be.Aliya found me some time later, but her words only served to drive me deeper into the depths of my despair and anger. She considered me the fool to tell Vallia the truth, she called me foolish, and I can see that if she could, she would drive Vallia from me. She asked why I told her, all I had to give is that I shall not have a marriage based on lies. Even silence, is but a pitiful lie and I will not do that too Vallia. Even if she must live in pain, to hide such a greater sin, and I will not persist in deceit. Misha Koldun is not a coward. I will continue my quest, I will find a way in this life or the next to make amends for my actions this night. Vallia may never accept me again, but I am prepared, for I shall never love another. Vallia Koldun is my one true love, never will I know the love of another, for my heart belongs to her. The ghosts of my past, have been laid to rest. Now I must make good on my words; Vandal and Thain both will die, I will retrieve the Sword (alone if I must), and I will support my Queen in all things. Ultimately I wish to have my Vallia, but if not, I will see to it, to make this world a place fitting for her people… for our people… I am not sure how.. but I will try… the Champion of Corellon has much to atone for… if it takes an eternity I will not falter. I am sorry Vallia, I truly am… one day I hope I can make amends for this transgression…-Misha</blockquote>

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