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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Talindra" data-source="post: 82325" data-attributes="member: 155">Vallia’s Journal30th day of Deepwinter, 1373 DRIt has been a long journey back to Athkatla.  I had no desire to return to Amn, for I believe there are memories there best forgotten.  But the Shadow Thieves were our only lead on the sword, and I was loath to voice my objections, fearing they would sound too much like fear of the past.  Things between Misha and myself have been strained, and I have to say that I have spoken to him only when necessary over the last month.  I do not wish to chastise him for being himself, and yet, I question his wisdom in speaking his mind so plainly.  He will never become the ruler he wishes to be until he learns that things are not always black and white, and that absolute honesty can be as cruel as deception.As we entered the city, perhaps Misha sensed my apprehension, for he tried once again to communicate with me mentally, asking "What is on your mind?"  I did not answer and after a pause, he commented "You don't talk to me anymore... I wonder if this is the norm for Elven marriages...”  I did not reply again, and it is not out of malice or anger.  I simply don’t know what to say to him anymore.  We have never spoken clearly;  in truth, he seems content in not discussing anything at all.  Although, I must admit that I have not tried as hard as I could to make my feelings clear. Gruush left us at this point, wishing to visit his monastery.  I thought it premature when we had no place to stay, but said nothing.  The weather here is harsh, and much colder than I am accustomed to.  As always, Karanaj noticed my discomfort, and quickly pulled an extra cloak from his things, wrapping it around me.  I smiled my thanks as we moved through the snow covered streets towards the Waft, and the welcoming glow of the Silent Siren.As we entered, I immediately felt something was amiss.  The common room was filled to capacity with large burly men laughing and talking loudly, but it all seemed forced somehow.  Misha did not appear to notice anything out of the ordinary, and walked to the bar quickly.  Nym arranged for rooms as Misha bought a round for the room, obviously trying to ease the tension.  I could feel eyes on me, and turned just as a huge tree trunk of a man stepped forward, putting his arm around me.  He named himself Adka, and although he was an oaf, I had no wish to draw any more attention to us, so I tolerated his advances.  Misha, however, did not take so kindly to them, and Nym and Karanaj quickly moved to back him up, though Aliya tempered Kara’s mood with a quick touch, and a slight shake of her head.Misha tried to intimidate the big man, but he clearly had no respect for ‘little elfs’ as he called us.  Misha named himself ‘Burning Rose’, which I did not believe to be wise, but I held my tongue.  The men scoffed at him, claiming that Burning Rose was dead;  true enough, I fear.  Misha’s ardent defense of me was sweet, if misguided, and I have to admit that I was secretly pleased at his anger.  He is coy with his emotions, and I have never been sure of him.  Sometimes I feel as though I am means to an end, a path to wealth and royalty.  At other times, I feel as though I am but a poor substitute for what he has lost, and I am not sure if it is possible to compete with a ghost…..Ellyn….Even as Misha argued with Adka, he railed at me mentally, saying "I do not enjoy silence from you... it is like a festering wound...and again silence..."  He paused a moment, as he exchanged taunts with the large man, then continued with "I am going to kill him..."I really detest that Adka..."I became alarmed and attempted to calm him, saying "Patience Misha.", to which he replied "I have patience...I am more annoyed at your silence then anything else... you have not talked to me in weeks...What, you do not love me anymore?  Is our marriage... our bond that short lived?"I was frustrated and angry that THIS of all times was when he chose to discuss the matter, and I cut him off with "Is this the time to discuss this?"He quickly responded with "You did not answer me... I love you... but you act as if you do not..."I thought the words immediately, before I considered what I was saying "Sometimes, I wish I didn't.  It would be easier."  My answer was silence, as the men around rose, apparently sensing danger as Misha continued to threaten Adka.  They surrounded us, and I knew with a sinking heart that we could not hope to fight them all.  Misha drew his sword, and I was ready for the fight when a voice sounded from behind Misha, saying "You certainly bluster as Burning Rose did."  Misha turned, and I could see in his eyes that he recognized the man who had spoken, something I was not sure was a good thing.  The crowd parted in respect for this man, who was wrapped from head to toe in a cloak, as he continued "Burning Rose always was a fool."Misha turned, flicking his beads... "and you knew Burning Rose?""I did." the man replied."And you are?" Misha asked.The man smiled under the shadow of his hood "I have many names.  I would advise you lower your weapon.  You are well covered, and I have allies other than those you see."Misha looked thoughtful "One of those names wouldn't happen to be Vandal, would it>" he asked as he lowered his blade to the floor.  Karanaj and Nym lowered their swords as well.The man chuckled.  "Perhaps you did know Burning Rose after all."Misha pointed the tip of the blade to the floor. "I did not seek a fight here... and yes I did know.. him... somewhat well... he taught me much before... he died..."The cloaked man gestured, and my skin prickled as I heard the sound of crossbow bolts clicking into place echoing around the room.  "We have been waiting for you."Misha looked surprised, even as my heart sank. "Waiting?"The man ignored him, ordering "Sheathe your weapons, and come with us.  You will not be harmed."Misha and the others sheathed their blades, as Karanaj said "And you know how to show your good intentions."The man glanced at Karanaj dismissively.  "I show nothing.  You are in no position.  Foolish it was of you to come here."Misha looked grim "We had no alternative.  Lead us then..." as he nodded to the figure.The man laughed.  "There is always a choice.....Burning Rose would have said."Misha replied "Of course there is always a choice...and fighting our way might be possible... though I suppose only someone such as Burning Rose may have a chance at such an endeavor...but I think we may be able to come to an understanding..."  Even as Misha said that, I was not so sure.  I am afraid that his confidence and frank naivete will get us all killed.The man seemed impatient with Misha now.  "There is no understanding.  You will come with us, or you will die.  That is your choice."Misha shrugged "Then I guess we go for now, that is my choice.  Death is not high on my list of things to do today."The man nodded, and two men move to each person's side, taking hold of their arms.  "Just a precaution, you see."Misha snarled "Of course." as Nym frowned unhappily.  "Shall we?"Adka took my arm, although more gently than I had expected and smiled widely at Misha as he pulled me out the door.I saw Misha grit his teeth, but he kept his temper as I lost sight of him.  The thieves shoved me quickly through the streets, entering a building that seemed to be a warehouse, until a false box was moved, opening a door into a spacious living space.  I entered, and the men left, although there were several women in the room.  Scantily clad, they appeared to be slaves, and they kept trying to force me to change my clothes.  Aliya was brought in a few moments later, and I became concerned at being separated from the others.  I shouted questions at the thugs, but I was ignored as Aliya was shoved to my side, and we were left alone.  The women persisted in pressing their shameful attire upon us, and finally I lost my temper, drawing my sword and making my point very clear…..and sharp.Several men entered, at least ten, and I had a sinking feeling as I saw an elf among them, an elf who looked far too pleased to see us.  He spoke “So, princesses, we meet at last.  I must admit you have led me a merry chase, but Lord Thain will be pleased in the morning when he arrives to find you here, and those meddlesome friends of yours dead.”I grew angry then, and I heard Aliya chanting next to me as I rose, sword in hand, launching myself at the elf.  I heard a distant explosion as I fought, and knew Aliya was doing what she could, although I scarcely hoped it would be enough.  I felt blows rain down upon me from all sides;  there were just too many, but I would not stop fighting…..To my surprise, Misha chose this moment to continue our earlier conversation, asking "Well then... is that how you feel?  This was all a mistake... then... if it is so tell me..."I told him quickly "Misha, I do not have the time to discuss this now.  "I am...otherwise occupied."And I was just able to comprehend his reply of "Fine." as the room around me went black.I do not remember much of the time following that, vague voices, I think once Misha called to me, but I could not answer.  I felt myself being moved and carried numerous times, and I think Aliya was with me as well.  They poured some foul liquid down my throat, and I slept for a time, but the pain followed me even in my dreams.  I dreamt over and over of Misha’s death at the hands of these men, and my rage built inside me, with no release.My next rational thought came as I felt healing energies flow through me, and the first words out of my mouth were “Misha?”It hurt to speak, and I could tell that my entire body had taken the brunt of a very nasty beating.  I shudder to think how I must have appeared, for I am sure that my face was blue and swollen.  He kissed my lips lightly... "I am here, my love."Relief flowed through me, and my next thought was of my sister and I asked "Aliya?"I opened my eyes just a little to see Nym standing by my side, smiling, even as Misha stood... and turned away, saying... "I am glad you are back with us...Aliya, could you tend to her?"I persisted in asking "Is Aliya well?" but I felt something seize my heart in my chest as I saw Misha turn to an unfamiliar half-elven woman as he stepped out of the room.  She glanced at me and followed quietly, and I felt as though I might die.Karanaj laid a hand gently on my arm, saying "She is well." even as I could support myself no longer and laid back against the pillow, in shock.  Karanaj pulled up a chair and sat next to me, cleaning my wounds carefully and gently.  I have never felt so lost and alone as I did in that moment, crazy with wondering what was happening outside that room, and thinking that perhaps I had managed to drive Misha away forever.  I looked up at Karanaj, and smiled sadly, remarking "He hates me....."Karanaj shook his head, "He loves you.""With all his soul" Nym added."Then where has he gone?" I almost wailed at them.Nym shrugged as Karanaj replied uncertainly "He... he has gone to deal with his past.  And to sulk over not being able to keep you from being taken..."That sounded like my Misha, and I could not help but feel a little warmth inside as I said "I could not stop it, nor could he."Karanaj chuckled "And you know that wouldn't upset either of you any less."I quickly became sad again, as I noted "I know if he was injured I would not leave his side.”Karanaj sighed, "I know that too."I believe all this talk had made Nym somewhat uncomfortable as he excused himself with  "Glad to have you and Aliya back, Vallia.  I'll see you in the morning.  I'm going to get some rest.""Thank you for your help Nym.  I will not forget it." I said as he stepped quietly from the room.Karanaj, looking sad, tried to change the subject with "Are you hungry?"Forgetting myself, I smiled, and then winced at the pain "I'm starving.""Alright. Well, this might be very useful, then” Karanaj said as he pulled out the rod, and concentrated as it glowed with power.  In a flash everyone in the room had food and drink sitting before them, and my bruises felt considerably better, and I was almost refreshed.  Karanaj smiled and helped me sit up to eat, as Gruush grabbed some food and sat in the corner to rest and meditate.Aliya, Karanaj, and I all ate as though we had not eaten in some time, which, come to think of it, we had not.  After we had finished, Aliya helped me out of my armor, and washed my face, brushing my hair for me as she used to when we were only girls.Karanaj was just asking if I was comfortable when Misha re-entered the room, saying "I have reconciled my past."Karanaj quickly kissed my forehead, saying "Good night, dear sister."Misha glanced to Aliya... "You glower all you like." and I noted to my surprise she did look angry.  I bade Kara good night, as he and Aliya left, and Misha said after her “but I love your sister... and I know that truly now."  Misha closed the door behind them, saying “I do not like her.” I did not like this, but wanting to be sure I had heard him correctly, I asked  "Do not like whom?"He quickly replied, scowling "Your sister, she makes assumptions about me.. and knows nothing of me." He sat beside me with a sigh. "But I am glad you are safe... I nearly turned this whole city upside down looking for you."I thought this over carefully, not wanting to let him change the subject, wondering what Aliya knew that I did not.  "My sister is not one to make assumptions.  She deals in facts.""What facts?" Misha asked, looking somewhat uncomfortable.I drew a deep breath and asked “What were you doing outside?"Misha seemed not to hear the question as he continued "That I kissed that Noriya... that she taunted me with visions of Ellyn.  I will admit it... there was a passion there... a ghostly phantom of what I once had."  I turned away, not able to bear hearing anymore.  It was as if all my fears had come to pass.  I truly hate Amn.  He turned my face back to him saying "I chose love over lust." as he kissed my lips "for in all this world... you are my love... now and forever."I was revolted by this and pushed him away.  "Do not kiss me with lips that taste like her."Misha stood, looking angry and hurt.  "I gave you the truth.  I love you... I knew you deserved as much."I turned away, not wanting him to see the tears gathering in my eyes, as I said "Leave me."Misha replied quietly "No."I whispered "Yes."Misha said, ashamed... "Tell me then one thing... do you still love me?"I could not bear it, and yet the word came out anyway, barely audible "Yes.""I am sorry Vallia... a thousand times... sorry." He sounded sincere, and yet, it was too soon, the feeling too raw, and I refused to let him see me cry."Then go." I almost begged.He was silent for a moment, then said "I will go... I am sorry...I will not wear this again... until you feel me worthy of your love..."  I heard a light sound, as he must have placed the ring on the table.  "Goodbye”  I heard only a whisper, and then the door closing, and I cried as I had never cried before, my heart breaking.  I had told Aliya the events as they transpired, and I was not surprised to hear a faint knocking at my door.Karanaj whispered "Vallia?"  I heard the door open, and then felt a touch on my shoulder.  I wiped my face quickly, turning, hoping against hope that is was Misha, but Karanaj said quietly “It's just me, Vallia...." as he wiped at the tears I missed very gently.I sat up, turning and hugging him tightly, for in all the world, there was no one else I would rather have had at that moment than Karanaj, my brother, truly my best friend.  I cried in his arms, for how long I could not say, then as the tears subsided, I asked him the question that had been ringing in my head."You knew...."Karanaj sighed "I knew... yes. I wanted to tell you, but I saw how hurt you were, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything.”"That is why Aliya looks the way she does." I stated.Karanaj nodded. "I know. She shows anger, and I, compassion.  It still burns me up to see him do this to you, but I know that you love him no matter what."I shook my head against his shoulder "I don't know, Kara.....Sometimes I think it would be better to never see him again."Karanaj sighed again, "Sometimes I would agree with you."I said "I think the loneliness of being without him would be better than the pain of being with him."I felt a wetness on my cheek as Karanaj let a few tears fall.  "That... I can't tell you." he said.I reached up and wiped them away.  "I cannot talk to him anymore, Kara."Karanaj attempted to smile, but still looked very sad.  "All I can say... he doesn't deserve you."I smiled, a twisted smile of bitterness.  "I don't deserve him." "You never deserve what he does to you."  Karanaj agreed.  "You are much better than that."His ardor brought a smile to my face.  "Thank you Kara, you are a good friend, and my sister is very lucky.""I wish you had been so lucky as well." Karanaj replied.The words stabbed deep.  "I thought I had."Karanaj stared into my eyes, "I will make sure you are always happy... with or without him."  and beamed a reassuring smile at me.I could not help but smile back, saying  "I will be fine."  and I grimaced as a twinge of pain flashed through my face at the smile.He kissed my forehead, "I will stay until you fall asleep."I nodded, knowing he was true to his word and settled myself into the covers, and closing my eyes.  I fell asleep very quickly.  When I awoke, it was still dark, and Misha was nowhere to be found.  I realized quickly that he had taken me literally, at my word, and would not return.  I feel numb as I write this by dim candlelight, knowing that I have driven him away, and knowing that he was never mine to begin with.  I will not use his name any longer, but my former name is also not my own.  For now, I shall simply be Vallia, and take what comfort I can find in that, as cold as it may be.  I cannot compete with a ghost, and I refuse to.  His heart will never truly be mine, and perhaps his absence is the best thing.  But why does it have to hurt so badly……………..--Vallia</blockquote>

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