BiggusGeekus
That's Latin for "cool"
Another one-shot, this time set in the Forgotten Realms, in the same sense that Ghostbusters is set in New York.
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"We'll have to leave the horses here at the bottom, Sir Karl."
"You may be right lad, you may be right. Blast! Why do these dragons always lair in some inhospitable place?"
"Um, because it's warmer in an extinct volcano, m'lord?"
Sir Karl gave his elvish squire a long penetrating look, it was a look that said 'Look boyo, you may be 30 years older than me, but you're still a squire and I'll have none of your lip'. The squire sighed and resigned himself to cleaning out horsestables for a week. He hadn't wanted to be a squire, he had wanted to be a bard, but bards needed to sing songs about something so he had squired himself to the human. Neither was happy with the arrangement, but were both in dire straits when the deal had been struck.
After an ardous climb, the pair entered a cave near the top of the volcano. The snow that specked the rest of the land did not last long on the warm rock. Sir Karl turned back and regarded his squire.
"Last chance to turn back, you know."
"Never, I shall follow you to the end!"
"Sure?"
"Yes! I shall record your deeds in song and play them before hundreds of people … and with a little luck hundreds of barmaids!"
"Squire?"
"Yes, m'lord?"
"Bugger off while I deal with the dragon."
"As you wish m'lord."
Karl entered into the depths of the volcano; heroically brandishing his sword as if prepared for danger to leap out at him at any moment. He paused for a moment and then looked back to make sure his squire wasn't following him. Then he put his sword back, pulled out a pipe and nonchallatly lit it off a small ember.
"Ho there, dragon!"
The silece that responded was defaning.
"Look, all right! If you must have it your way, I'll start over! Show your self foul spawn of evil and face the rightous might of one in the service of Helm!"
"No need to call me names. I'm in the cavern to your left. Paladins! Everything's a 'spawn of evil' to you isn't it? I'll bet as a lad you called your own mother a 'spawn of evil', when she strapped you for coming home after dark. You probably call your bloody baker a 'spawn of evil' if he doesn't serve your morning sweetroll with enough jam!"
Karl entered the cavern to his left.
"Well, he does charge me three copper for those sweetrolls."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Good point."
"I'm Lord Karl, a knight of Helm."
"I'm Arazamatoth, red dragon and 'spawn of evil'. Pleased to meet your aquaintence, I assume you are here to slay me?"
"Close, I'm to 'rid the fair Realms of your foul presence, so that light may rule'."
"Gosh, really?"
"Yes."
"Light will rule after you slay me?"
"Metaphorically."
"Will light rule the second I perish, or will it sort of creep up on the fair Realms?"
"Look, I didn't come up with that bit; it's just what all the Helmish priests ramble on about while they're sending me on holy quests."
"It can be a pity when the spokesmen try to take charge of the front-line workers."
"I agree. So why don't you go terrorize some other part of the fair Realms and we just call it a draw?"
"What? I have breath attack you know! I could flame you to ashes!"
"Ring of fire resistance."
"I hate those. No point in being a red dragon with archmages and dwarves giving those blasted things away as party favors. What about green dragons? When's the last time you heard of a ring of poisionous chlorine gas resistance? Feh."
"It's hard being singled out."
"True enough! Well, I don't care; those rings aren't foolproof. It may take me a little longer, but I can still turn you into Paladin flambe."
"Yes, I thought of that, so I brought along a vorpal sword."
"Wow. Really? I thought you paladins carried holy swords."
"They're more traditional, I'll grant you."
"You have, what? A one in twenty chance of lopping my head off per stroke."
"One in ten when all is accounted for, actually."
"Not bad."
"Thank you."
"No telling who could win this one."
"My thoughts exactly."
"But m'lord, should you not strike him down here and now? Though you may fall, is it not for the glory of Helm? Rise now, and fell the evil fire drake! The forces of light shall forever stand up and stare evil in the eye and say … um ... die you foul, evil thing!"
"Who is that?"
"My squire. I didn't know he followed me down this far, sorry."
A jet of flame hotter than ten thousand bonfires streamed past Sir Karl.
"I suppose that was bound to happen sooner or later. He was never very good at his job you know."
"I'm amazed you put up with him. One of the prices of being a paladin, I assume."
"You have absolutly no idea. Aren't you going to devour him or something?"
"Well, you know how it is with elves, you eat one and then half an hour later you're hungry all over again."
"I wouldn't know, being one of the forces of good and all.
"One would suppose. Well, enough of this banter. You probably want to meet her."
"Not really."
"I'm astonished. Surely, the brave knight must look upon the frail beauty of the princess and fall helplessly in love with her before he slays the evil dragon?"
"I'm ridding the bloody Realms of your foul presence so that light may rule.... and I've met the little shrew before."
"You don't say?"
"At the spring banquet last year."
"No!"
"Yes. If you must know, I spilled my mead all over her gown. We've never exactly gotten along since."
Small jets of flame errupted form the dragon's nostrils unbidden.
"Oh I'm sure you find this terribly amusing. I'll have you know that Paladins are trained to slay evil-
"You mean rid the Realms of evil's foul presence so that light may rule."
"-and not given one whit of elecution lessons! You know who taught me to polish my armor? The stableboy!"
"Yes, yes, yes. All very tragic I'm sure. However you are overlooking two key points."
"And what are they?"
"The first being that there is no point of slaying me or ridding the Realms of my foul presence so that light may rule unless you know exactly which one of these caverns she lies imprisoned."
"Fair enough. What is the second point?"
"I don't want the waif hanging around here."
"I see."
Sir Karl took a long drag off of his pipe before drawing his sword in what he felt was a rather heroic fashion and followed the dragon deeper into it's lair.
"How do you dragons find your way around these places anyway?"
"When you live a few thousand years you get a touch familiar with your surroundings. Honestly, I'm amazed that humans have enough time to learn which way is out of the privy."
"Hadn't looked at it that way before. Are we almost there?"
"Just around the corner … there she is."
Sir Karl rounded the bend and found what was certainly the most beautiful woman in creation. Her eyes radiated untamed energy and power, her hair played upon her face like a gentle lover's caress, lithe and athletic she bore the quiet power of a wildcat waiting to strike. Sir Karl wished for the hundedth time that she did not also posses a tounge so sharp it could prune a hedge at forty paces.
"She is pretty … for a human."
"I'm trying not to think of that. Undo the spell of binding you have about her."
"No."
"Because you fear that she will flee this chamber and report your weaknesses to the King?"
"Because I am afriad that she will yell at me."
"It can't be that bad."
"What did you do when you spilled your drink on her?"
"I ran for my life."
"What do you think I was supposed to do? There's no point in taking her hostage if you just flame away and I couldn't just say 'Ha! I have you now in my clutches and you shall be imprisoned forever!' when the girl is smashing my pottery!"
"Pottery?"
"A fine vase over three hundred years old, thank you very much!"
"I thought dragons collected gold."
"I thought paladins carried holy swords."
"Good point. Very well. Undo your spell foul drake!"
"Foul drake?"
"It's traditional."
"You could have been more polite…."
The paladin looked on hopefully while the dragon undid the spell. He was hoping for tendrils of occult energy to eminate from the dragon's claws, or at least a little smoke and a sound of 'poof'. Instead, one minute the Princess Evlyn was frozen in place and the next moment she was very much alive; all too much alive for Karl's taste.
"You! I hate you!"
"It's his fault!", the dragon and knight said at once.
"Of all the paladins who could have possibly come to rescue me! Did Father ask for you because you came cheap or because you were expendible? And you! I've never heard of a dragon botching up an abduction such as you! I trust you set my ransom high? If it's not at least half the realm and a cart full of gold I shall be very … angry."
"Oh, um, yes. Half the realm and all that. Yes."
"You're lying."
"All right, I set it for a herd of cattle. I'm sorry."
"What!"
"Look, I was hungry and it's not like you humans are very big you know."
"Pathetic." She turned her steely gaze to Karl, "I do belive you were about to explain why you haven't slain him yet?"
"Actually your majesty, I was attempting to rid the Realms of his foul presence - "
"Skip it!"
"Um, right. In any case the dragon is very, very large and I thought it might be more civilized if we could just talk things out instead of engaging in a brutal melee- "
"You weren't sure that you could win, so you gave up before you tried.'
"That's another way of putting it I suppose."
The Princess looked at both of them disparigingly. "Boys, it's a good thing you decided to come to me. I don't have much to work with but I think we can pull this one off if you both do exactly as I tell you and Karl puts out that pipe of his."
The Paladin and dragon exchanged looks….
And so it came to pass in a year best left unremembered that Sir Karl did boldly rid the fair Realms of the dragon Azaramatoth's foul presence so that light may rule in a battle that was talked about by all but witnessed by few. The Paladin was offered the traditional reward of the Princessess hand in marriage, but chose instead to combat evil in countries far to the east, which curiously enough were the same regions that another dragon similar in appearance to Asarmatoth shortly appeared. The Princess Evlyn went on to rule the kingdom in a reign that was prosperous, long, and people kept on their toes. Most importantly, everyone lived happily ever after … or at least were reasonably cheerful in a pub to the east.
=====
"We'll have to leave the horses here at the bottom, Sir Karl."
"You may be right lad, you may be right. Blast! Why do these dragons always lair in some inhospitable place?"
"Um, because it's warmer in an extinct volcano, m'lord?"
Sir Karl gave his elvish squire a long penetrating look, it was a look that said 'Look boyo, you may be 30 years older than me, but you're still a squire and I'll have none of your lip'. The squire sighed and resigned himself to cleaning out horsestables for a week. He hadn't wanted to be a squire, he had wanted to be a bard, but bards needed to sing songs about something so he had squired himself to the human. Neither was happy with the arrangement, but were both in dire straits when the deal had been struck.
After an ardous climb, the pair entered a cave near the top of the volcano. The snow that specked the rest of the land did not last long on the warm rock. Sir Karl turned back and regarded his squire.
"Last chance to turn back, you know."
"Never, I shall follow you to the end!"
"Sure?"
"Yes! I shall record your deeds in song and play them before hundreds of people … and with a little luck hundreds of barmaids!"
"Squire?"
"Yes, m'lord?"
"Bugger off while I deal with the dragon."
"As you wish m'lord."
Karl entered into the depths of the volcano; heroically brandishing his sword as if prepared for danger to leap out at him at any moment. He paused for a moment and then looked back to make sure his squire wasn't following him. Then he put his sword back, pulled out a pipe and nonchallatly lit it off a small ember.
"Ho there, dragon!"
The silece that responded was defaning.
"Look, all right! If you must have it your way, I'll start over! Show your self foul spawn of evil and face the rightous might of one in the service of Helm!"
"No need to call me names. I'm in the cavern to your left. Paladins! Everything's a 'spawn of evil' to you isn't it? I'll bet as a lad you called your own mother a 'spawn of evil', when she strapped you for coming home after dark. You probably call your bloody baker a 'spawn of evil' if he doesn't serve your morning sweetroll with enough jam!"
Karl entered the cavern to his left.
"Well, he does charge me three copper for those sweetrolls."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Good point."
"I'm Lord Karl, a knight of Helm."
"I'm Arazamatoth, red dragon and 'spawn of evil'. Pleased to meet your aquaintence, I assume you are here to slay me?"
"Close, I'm to 'rid the fair Realms of your foul presence, so that light may rule'."
"Gosh, really?"
"Yes."
"Light will rule after you slay me?"
"Metaphorically."
"Will light rule the second I perish, or will it sort of creep up on the fair Realms?"
"Look, I didn't come up with that bit; it's just what all the Helmish priests ramble on about while they're sending me on holy quests."
"It can be a pity when the spokesmen try to take charge of the front-line workers."
"I agree. So why don't you go terrorize some other part of the fair Realms and we just call it a draw?"
"What? I have breath attack you know! I could flame you to ashes!"
"Ring of fire resistance."
"I hate those. No point in being a red dragon with archmages and dwarves giving those blasted things away as party favors. What about green dragons? When's the last time you heard of a ring of poisionous chlorine gas resistance? Feh."
"It's hard being singled out."
"True enough! Well, I don't care; those rings aren't foolproof. It may take me a little longer, but I can still turn you into Paladin flambe."
"Yes, I thought of that, so I brought along a vorpal sword."
"Wow. Really? I thought you paladins carried holy swords."
"They're more traditional, I'll grant you."
"You have, what? A one in twenty chance of lopping my head off per stroke."
"One in ten when all is accounted for, actually."
"Not bad."
"Thank you."
"No telling who could win this one."
"My thoughts exactly."
"But m'lord, should you not strike him down here and now? Though you may fall, is it not for the glory of Helm? Rise now, and fell the evil fire drake! The forces of light shall forever stand up and stare evil in the eye and say … um ... die you foul, evil thing!"
"Who is that?"
"My squire. I didn't know he followed me down this far, sorry."
A jet of flame hotter than ten thousand bonfires streamed past Sir Karl.
"I suppose that was bound to happen sooner or later. He was never very good at his job you know."
"I'm amazed you put up with him. One of the prices of being a paladin, I assume."
"You have absolutly no idea. Aren't you going to devour him or something?"
"Well, you know how it is with elves, you eat one and then half an hour later you're hungry all over again."
"I wouldn't know, being one of the forces of good and all.
"One would suppose. Well, enough of this banter. You probably want to meet her."
"Not really."
"I'm astonished. Surely, the brave knight must look upon the frail beauty of the princess and fall helplessly in love with her before he slays the evil dragon?"
"I'm ridding the bloody Realms of your foul presence so that light may rule.... and I've met the little shrew before."
"You don't say?"
"At the spring banquet last year."
"No!"
"Yes. If you must know, I spilled my mead all over her gown. We've never exactly gotten along since."
Small jets of flame errupted form the dragon's nostrils unbidden.
"Oh I'm sure you find this terribly amusing. I'll have you know that Paladins are trained to slay evil-
"You mean rid the Realms of evil's foul presence so that light may rule."
"-and not given one whit of elecution lessons! You know who taught me to polish my armor? The stableboy!"
"Yes, yes, yes. All very tragic I'm sure. However you are overlooking two key points."
"And what are they?"
"The first being that there is no point of slaying me or ridding the Realms of my foul presence so that light may rule unless you know exactly which one of these caverns she lies imprisoned."
"Fair enough. What is the second point?"
"I don't want the waif hanging around here."
"I see."
Sir Karl took a long drag off of his pipe before drawing his sword in what he felt was a rather heroic fashion and followed the dragon deeper into it's lair.
"How do you dragons find your way around these places anyway?"
"When you live a few thousand years you get a touch familiar with your surroundings. Honestly, I'm amazed that humans have enough time to learn which way is out of the privy."
"Hadn't looked at it that way before. Are we almost there?"
"Just around the corner … there she is."
Sir Karl rounded the bend and found what was certainly the most beautiful woman in creation. Her eyes radiated untamed energy and power, her hair played upon her face like a gentle lover's caress, lithe and athletic she bore the quiet power of a wildcat waiting to strike. Sir Karl wished for the hundedth time that she did not also posses a tounge so sharp it could prune a hedge at forty paces.
"She is pretty … for a human."
"I'm trying not to think of that. Undo the spell of binding you have about her."
"No."
"Because you fear that she will flee this chamber and report your weaknesses to the King?"
"Because I am afriad that she will yell at me."
"It can't be that bad."
"What did you do when you spilled your drink on her?"
"I ran for my life."
"What do you think I was supposed to do? There's no point in taking her hostage if you just flame away and I couldn't just say 'Ha! I have you now in my clutches and you shall be imprisoned forever!' when the girl is smashing my pottery!"
"Pottery?"
"A fine vase over three hundred years old, thank you very much!"
"I thought dragons collected gold."
"I thought paladins carried holy swords."
"Good point. Very well. Undo your spell foul drake!"
"Foul drake?"
"It's traditional."
"You could have been more polite…."
The paladin looked on hopefully while the dragon undid the spell. He was hoping for tendrils of occult energy to eminate from the dragon's claws, or at least a little smoke and a sound of 'poof'. Instead, one minute the Princess Evlyn was frozen in place and the next moment she was very much alive; all too much alive for Karl's taste.
"You! I hate you!"
"It's his fault!", the dragon and knight said at once.
"Of all the paladins who could have possibly come to rescue me! Did Father ask for you because you came cheap or because you were expendible? And you! I've never heard of a dragon botching up an abduction such as you! I trust you set my ransom high? If it's not at least half the realm and a cart full of gold I shall be very … angry."
"Oh, um, yes. Half the realm and all that. Yes."
"You're lying."
"All right, I set it for a herd of cattle. I'm sorry."
"What!"
"Look, I was hungry and it's not like you humans are very big you know."
"Pathetic." She turned her steely gaze to Karl, "I do belive you were about to explain why you haven't slain him yet?"
"Actually your majesty, I was attempting to rid the Realms of his foul presence - "
"Skip it!"
"Um, right. In any case the dragon is very, very large and I thought it might be more civilized if we could just talk things out instead of engaging in a brutal melee- "
"You weren't sure that you could win, so you gave up before you tried.'
"That's another way of putting it I suppose."
The Princess looked at both of them disparigingly. "Boys, it's a good thing you decided to come to me. I don't have much to work with but I think we can pull this one off if you both do exactly as I tell you and Karl puts out that pipe of his."
The Paladin and dragon exchanged looks….
And so it came to pass in a year best left unremembered that Sir Karl did boldly rid the fair Realms of the dragon Azaramatoth's foul presence so that light may rule in a battle that was talked about by all but witnessed by few. The Paladin was offered the traditional reward of the Princessess hand in marriage, but chose instead to combat evil in countries far to the east, which curiously enough were the same regions that another dragon similar in appearance to Asarmatoth shortly appeared. The Princess Evlyn went on to rule the kingdom in a reign that was prosperous, long, and people kept on their toes. Most importantly, everyone lived happily ever after … or at least were reasonably cheerful in a pub to the east.
