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Last of the King's Men- a novel I'm writing. Looking for feedback!
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<blockquote data-quote="jonesy" data-source="post: 5827755" data-attributes="member: 10324"><p>I like the new look. Easier to read the story. But that's just me. For all I know I could just be the vocal minority. What you need is more chapters and more readers. Yeah, well. <img src="http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/angel.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel:" title="Angel :angel:" data-shortname=":angel:" /></p><p></p><p>Things that caught my eye in chapter 3:</p><p></p><p>1. The chapter seems to have a better flow than the other two. Might be because of the lower density of new information. (It's a tricky balance getting a story to flow properly while still providing the necessary details to the reader.)</p><p></p><p>2. The opening paragraph is very strong. And not because it's depicting strong weather. It's one of those 'I wouldn't remove a single word' descriptions.</p><p></p><p>3. In paragraph two I'd remove the 'the' from 'the lightning'.</p><p></p><p>4. "He couldn’t tell if it was something he couldn’t understand". That's an odd sentence.</p><p></p><p>5. "He sat, huddled in the corner of the hut, body, clothing, sleeves & all soaked to the bone from the rain." Soaked to the bone already says what the articles of clothing imply. I'd just remove the clothing from the sentence: "He sat, huddled in the corner of the hut, soaked to the bone from the rain."</p><p></p><p>6. There's a lot of "as if" going on when the creature breaks in. Try swapping one them for an alternate way of saying it.</p><p></p><p>7. I like the way you have him wake up and just dismiss the dream with the creature for the dream that it was, instead of obsessing on it the way a fictional character might. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick out tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" /></p><p></p><p>8. "Eat boot." And then he puts his foot on the mans chest. Akward boast is akward.</p><p></p><p>9. "Artemis watched him raise the mace one more time, everything went black." Either make that two sentences, or add "and then" in the middle.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If there's something you really want to be writing, do it. You don't have to post it anywhere. Just put it on paper and leave it there. When inspiration strikes, follow it. Good or bad at least you have it written down. You can then later go back to it and review it yourself.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Edit: there's a lot of 'good or bad' going on in this thread. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick out tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jonesy, post: 5827755, member: 10324"] I like the new look. Easier to read the story. But that's just me. For all I know I could just be the vocal minority. What you need is more chapters and more readers. Yeah, well. :angel: Things that caught my eye in chapter 3: 1. The chapter seems to have a better flow than the other two. Might be because of the lower density of new information. (It's a tricky balance getting a story to flow properly while still providing the necessary details to the reader.) 2. The opening paragraph is very strong. And not because it's depicting strong weather. It's one of those 'I wouldn't remove a single word' descriptions. 3. In paragraph two I'd remove the 'the' from 'the lightning'. 4. "He couldn’t tell if it was something he couldn’t understand". That's an odd sentence. 5. "He sat, huddled in the corner of the hut, body, clothing, sleeves & all soaked to the bone from the rain." Soaked to the bone already says what the articles of clothing imply. I'd just remove the clothing from the sentence: "He sat, huddled in the corner of the hut, soaked to the bone from the rain." 6. There's a lot of "as if" going on when the creature breaks in. Try swapping one them for an alternate way of saying it. 7. I like the way you have him wake up and just dismiss the dream with the creature for the dream that it was, instead of obsessing on it the way a fictional character might. :p 8. "Eat boot." And then he puts his foot on the mans chest. Akward boast is akward. 9. "Artemis watched him raise the mace one more time, everything went black." Either make that two sentences, or add "and then" in the middle. If there's something you really want to be writing, do it. You don't have to post it anywhere. Just put it on paper and leave it there. When inspiration strikes, follow it. Good or bad at least you have it written down. You can then later go back to it and review it yourself. Edit: there's a lot of 'good or bad' going on in this thread. :p [/QUOTE]
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