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<blockquote data-quote="Gilladian" data-source="post: 5473671" data-attributes="member: 2093">Addressing only the writing in these three paragraphs, I have a couple of criticisms. First, in the first paragraph, the word &quot;enthralled&quot; bothers me. I think you'd be better off with &quot;in thrall to&quot;. But that's personal.The statement about elves and dwarves battling over civilization's form is not enough of a teaser. I want to know just a tiny bit more about these folks.&nbsp; Are dwarves lawful city dwellers, or barbaric tribesmen of the mountains? Are elves totemic nature-worshippers or builders of idylllic garden city-states? Give us a hint of what the conflict consists of between them. Just a couple adjectives could do it.The second paragraph needs extensive reworking. It is boring. I don't know what it needs to say, but right now it isn't marketing, it's borderline rules-speak. Make it lively and interesting; if we like it, we'll worry about adapting to it later. Maybe something more like:Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a world eternally tidally locked around its sun. Burning day and icy night will create unique new challenges that will inspire and confound both player and DM. Dawn will not save you from ancient evil, an dusk will not obscure your most devilish activities. Be assured that rules options will cover such topics as lycanthropy, vampirism, rest and sleep, and timekeeping, to assist the DM and players in becoming immersed in this complex world. (Not that mine is any better, now that I look at it, but I hope it gets across what I'm trying to say).&nbsp; And DO bring in a sentence or two that tells WHY you've given the world its name.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Gilladian, post: 5473671, member: 2093"] Addressing only the writing in these three paragraphs, I have a couple of criticisms. First, in the first paragraph, the word "enthralled" bothers me. I think you'd be better off with "in thrall to". But that's personal. The statement about elves and dwarves battling over civilization's form is not enough of a teaser. I want to know just a tiny bit more about these folks. Are dwarves lawful city dwellers, or barbaric tribesmen of the mountains? Are elves totemic nature-worshippers or builders of idylllic garden city-states? Give us a hint of what the conflict consists of between them. Just a couple adjectives could do it. The second paragraph needs extensive reworking. It is boring. I don't know what it needs to say, but right now it isn't marketing, it's borderline rules-speak. Make it lively and interesting; if we like it, we'll worry about adapting to it later. Maybe something more like: Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a world eternally tidally locked around its sun. Burning day and icy night will create unique new challenges that will inspire and confound both player and DM. Dawn will not save you from ancient evil, an dusk will not obscure your most devilish activities. Be assured that rules options will cover such topics as lycanthropy, vampirism, rest and sleep, and timekeeping, to assist the DM and players in becoming immersed in this complex world. (Not that mine is any better, now that I look at it, but I hope it gets across what I'm trying to say). And DO bring in a sentence or two that tells WHY you've given the world its name. [/QUOTE]

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