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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 2442435" data-attributes="member: 225">I read the first of your stories, and here are my two eurocents:Writing snappy dialogue is hard, but there are spots were you manage to do so quite well. You stay reasonably close to the source, which is important with a parody, and still go a slightly different way, which is equally important so as not to be too predictable. It's a quick read, and fairly entertaining. Having Giles/Nord "lecture wounds away" was a funny bit, and the "they need help" - "I need money" exchange, too.However (my version of but <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />), if you're serious about publishing this (other than on a message board), you should seriously consider writing your own characters. With free fan stories, you can get away with a copyright notice, when you want to publish/sell something, there's probably a lot of licensing hassle involved. I don't know US copyright law, however.Furthermore, while I might read this story in a forum like this, I wouldn't pay for it. First off, you need to work on your grammar/punctuation. There are incomplete sentences, switches between past and present tense, and some spelling mistakes. Punctuation is also often disregarded. Adhering to these rules can be tedious, especially when you're not used to it, but it makes your writing a lot clearer and easier to understand.In the same vein, your text could use more desciption. One of the things I tend to do is write far too little dialogue (I'm consciously trying to get better there), so that's not a probelm of yours. But I need something more to ground that dialogue in. Who's talking? What's happening while they talk? I can assume a lot of things, but if I have to assume everything, then I lose interest. It's too much work.For example, Cain punches Tami, sending her sprawling. And then? Do other students notice it, get a teacher, call police? Is Tami hurt, does she bleed, does she run away, start to cry? And why doesn't Dallas look up at the sound of someone being hit so hard she is thrown backwards?But the best tip I can give you is maybe the most-quoted writing advice, ever: Just keep on writing. Only by writing can you hone your style and, indeed, form a style of your own at all.Good luck!</blockquote>

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