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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Janx" data-source="post: 7882720" data-attributes="member: 8835">As you know, for the last few years I have focused on becoming a writer, studied the ancient ways and joined critique groups. Such that I think I know a thing or two about writing... That and the coin in your pocket will buy you a cup of coffee.Let's hit the logistical stuff first:a) welcome to Write Club. Keep Writing.b) The layout was hard to read, the standard is 12pt font, 1" margins and double-spaced (normally for red-marking and some people DO print out and markup first). But really, this will help us all read it digitally for feedback on PC or kindle). I read lots of manuscripts for people, this is how we all do it. Extra points for line numbers (because then I can tell you where a problem is easily since I can't mark this up).c) If you plan to traditionally publish, do not post your work in public or it will count as Published and you won't be able to sell it (they want First Rights).  Use Writing.Com to share with members there OR Google Docs and invite specific people, gDocs is awesome for feedback because I can mark a section and add a comment or suggest a change. It's what I use with my Alpha and Beta readers.d) I know well the temptation of sharing the "look at what I just wrote" with others, but mistakes detract from your goal, even though you told us to ignore the mistakes.  This wasn't riddled with them, but it's "better" to share the second draft...[URL unfurl="true"]https://www.woodlandswritingguild.org/post/before-someone-sees-it[/URL]Observations and Advice:a) Your first sentence needs to hook me. Do you want to hang your sales on "Annalist Willem turned the page, grunting as a drop of foul-smelling water landed on the ancient text." or go for something that hints at what the novel is about while making me read more. The classic I point to is "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault." which shows the character's snarky tone, implies, setting things on fire happens a lot, and makes me wonder why it's not his fault this time. The last drives me to read more.  Later in this section, you do that better, when Willhelm gets to the chief monk and you can hint at the thing in the book being secret knowledge.  A starting line that sets that up might help.[URL unfurl="true"]https://tutorials.writersdigest.com/courses/your-novels-first-pages-learn-how-make-an-excellent-initial-impression[/URL][URL unfurl="true"]https://www.livewritethrive.com/2016/01/27/first-pages-of-best-selling-novels-cinder/[/URL][URL unfurl="true"]https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/07/why-stephen-king-spends-months-and-even-years-writing-opening-sentences/278043/[/URL][URL unfurl="true"]https://jerichowriters.com/good-opening-sentences/[/URL]b) Too many names and Point of View. The general advice for a novel is one point of view per chapter (ala GoT). Also, POV is sacred, don't give it to everybody, just characters who will experience a full arc. This one chapter zooms us through so many groups that it's harder to follow, and harder to care. I am NOT an expert on how to do third person omniscient, but it's easier for readers to root for specific characters if the camera follows one person in a scene.[URL unfurl="true"]https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/category/point-of-view/[/URL][URL unfurl="true"]https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/pov-problems/[/URL]c) use said or action to tag dialogue.  All the old replied, quipped, responded, declared is 1980's rubbish (yeah, I had to unlearn that, too).  You've also got walls of dialog.  Intersperse some action in there.  Not just crossing the room (or legs) as they talk, but doing stuff (hand me that spanner, duck under a rusty pipe).[URL unfurl="true"]https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/keep-it-simple-keys-to-realistic-dialogue-part-ii[/URL]d) this felt rushed. Since Willy got taken out in the first page, I clung to the first ship and crew as "the people to follow" and then we zoomed through danger place and getting haunted so fast that it was over and I missed the scary stabbing before I could feel it. Then we were off to the next group of people.  One chapter per POV will help, but you gotta spread the peanut butter of pacing out.  A chapter is typically 3K-5K words.  Mine are shorter than that, but I try to setup what's going on, what is the POV MC's goal, the attempt, and emotional and rational reaction to the outcome leading to the decision of what to do next.  Parts of that is called Scene and Sequel[URL unfurl="true"]https://writershelpingwriters.net/2015/01/writing-patterns-fiction-scene-sequel/[/URL]e) Show, don't Tell.  There's a couple kinds of Telling, but they all lead to speed racing through the course instead of letting me experience what's going on. That happened with the Ghost infection of Aaric the Stabber. Telling's dirty cousin Exposition also snuck in at this passage:Duras’s 7th Fleet is blockading Concordant at the behest of the Brothers of the Sapphire Star. The fleet is commanded by BARON MAGHA, accompanied by GRAVE PIKE, a Minister. Like WotBS, notice on door saying somebody has been taken into custody by Ministers. On the planet, the city Aninem is surrounded by Duras forces. A pair of of teenagers JARNE and ALIVIA are trying to escape, disguised as enemy troops and manage to slip out. Aninem is destroyed behind them, and the planet occupied by Duras forces, as they stow away on an Ivvin Tor support vessel leaving the region. You're telling me a bunch of stuff.  Why isn't the camera following Jarne and Alivia as they knock out and disarm some storm troopers or something. Kill David Attenborough and let the subjects of our documentary show us their lives.[URL unfurl="true"]https://blog.reedsy.com/show-dont-tell/[/URL][URL unfurl="true"]https://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/why-show-dont-tell-is-the-great-lie-of-writing-workshops[/URL]---That's a lot of stuff. Each group you've presented could be a good story.  And it might be fine to present several of them within a single chapter. But between the layout and the massive influx of characters and setups, it's harder to follow.  I really don't remember anything but the first two (but I also can't remember what happened in the new or prequel Star Wars so take that with a grain of salt).  See what others think, then decide how you want to proceed.</blockquote>

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