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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Zaukrie" data-source="post: 7892008" data-attributes="member: 2057">Morrus, there is a lot of passive language in there. I didn't put a lot of thought into this edit, but you'll notice that I took out some words and tried to make the pacing feel more active. Action scenes need shorter sentences, less words, and action statement, IMO. If you don't want this kind of stuff, I will stop....let me know. I'm also happy to continue this not on the board.The hooded figure was striding through the crowd, intent on something. Suddenly, he pulled his sword from its scabbard. Caitlin scanned ahead and saw a pair of children - a boy and an older girl - oblivious to the killer’s approach.“It’s those two kids! They’re the target!” she called out.“That’s Aliva Jervasos. The Count’s daughter,” Aaric said. (DO THEY KNOW WHO THE BOY IS?)Manny began pushing through the crowd, scattering people left and right. Caitlin drew her pistol, but she had no clear shot. Gredar Syko closed in on the two children, too fast for any of them to get there and stop what was about to happen.With no other option, Caitlin discharged her weapon into the air; the crowd reacted predictably, screaming and scrambling to get out of the way. The two children looked up, and saw Syko bearing down on them, his gleaming sword drawn. Looking for help and seeing none, Aliva grabbed the younger boy, and, moments before the killer reached them, they disappeared from sight.Syko stopped, looked around in confustion, and Caitlin took her chance - a shot, dead on target. The hooded killer simply stepped aside, calmly, and the shot missed. His intended victims gone, Syko fixed his eyes on Caitlin, and started walking toward her. She fired again, and again the killer shifted slightly, and again the bullet whizzed past him harmlessly. He continued to advance, and Caitlin fired again, and again, but every shot missed, the cloaked figure moving just the right way every shot. It was impossible.At that moment, Manny burst out of the crowd behind Syko and threw himself at him. The hooded killer avoided the attack with an effortless twist. Manny sprawled to the floor.“He’s unkillable.” Aaric, standing with Caitlin, whispered in awe.“Nobody’s unkillable.” Caitlin stated grimly, while reloading. She aimed, and fired again. Another miss. Manny pulled himself to his feet. The area was clear now; most of the crowd had fled in terror, and a squad of spaceport security was running across the floor towards the confrontation. (question….why didn’t syko kill Manny while he was on the ground?)“naughty word, Caitlin,” Aaric panicked, and started backpedalling. She glanced at him, and then met Manny’s eyes. The security squad closed in.“We can’t be arrested,” Caitlin called to Manny. “Let’s go!” Manny nodded, and the three of them backed away towards the exit. The security squad had their firearms drawn and were shouting orders to freeze. Gredar Syko turned to face them, his sword ready.</blockquote>

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