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My wife, the bard
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<blockquote data-quote="BVB" data-source="post: 939790" data-attributes="member: 12155"><p>The adventuring party that my wife and I recently joined lost a couple of its NPCs the other day. It was a DM-arranged death set off-stage, not something we caused ourselves. But we were still confronted with the question of whether to spend "party funds" to have these guys raised from the dead. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, my wife is playing a chaotic-neutral halfling bard. I may have mentioned her before -- the cute, clueless chick who wears black and plays the bongos? (the character, not my wife.) By luck of the draw, hers was the deciding vote: Does she want to spend the group money to raise the NPCs? </p><p></p><p>No.</p><p></p><p>But to back it up, she wrote this little bit for the DM and our new gaming associates. I thought you might appreciate it...</p><p></p><p>---</p><p></p><p>As the group sits around thinking about their recent</p><p>losses, they notice that Harriet has gone up to the</p><p>small stage. She energetically starts playing a</p><p>borrowed halfling-sized guitar. She is performing </p><p></p><p>THE ODE TO GARRETT</p><p>(to the tune of Weird Al's "Albuequerque")</p><p></p><p>(Harriet recites)Way back when after we left the</p><p>moathouse located just outside a little nothing town</p><p>in the middle of nowhere named Homlet</p><p>... you know the place ...</p><p>Well were were going along and everything was just</p><p>PEACHY ... except for the undeniable fact that every</p><p>single time we went out for an adventure we kept</p><p>getting sliced up into ribbons and having to come home</p><p>and heal up.</p><p>SLICED into ribbons!</p><p>Every SINGLE time!</p><p>It was driving me NUTS!</p><p>So I asked my boyfriend, "Hey, Busta, what's with all</p><p>these injuries? What're we doing this for anyway?" And</p><p>my loving sweetie-punkin looked at me like the way a</p><p>gnoll looks at an oncoming arrow. And he leaned he</p><p>leaned down next to me and said:</p><p>(Harriet screams) "BECAUSE THEY"RE EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!"</p><p>(Harriet recites)And then he tells me again about the</p><p>goblins he's been chasing since he was six-and-a-half</p><p>years old!</p><p></p><p>And that's when he told me that we had to go to this</p><p>magical temple far away, where the sun never shines</p><p>and the cauldrons are oh-so BUBBLY! Where the ghasts</p><p>and the liches plot their plots all day long and</p><p>anyone in the halls will be glad to slit your throat</p><p>for a COPPER!</p><p></p><p>Wakka-wakka-doo-doo YEAH!</p><p></p><p>Well let me tell you, folks, it wasn't long before</p><p>were were on our way. Because the very next day this</p><p>guy who lives in that castle over there hired us to go</p><p>after this gnome's wagon. It was a petty job, but then</p><p>we thought its trail would go </p><p></p><p>(Harriet starts singing) To the Temple of Elemental</p><p>Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil!</p><p></p><p>(Harriet recites) Oh yeah! You know, I've never been</p><p>on a trek through an evil dark forest before! And I</p><p>gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except for the</p><p>guys in the armor who ATTACKED us! And splitting up</p><p>our party and then losing track of TWO of them! Oh</p><p>yeah, and then going to a ghost town and fighting a</p><p>stinky banshee that stole our minds and the ghasts</p><p>that backstabbed us and then EVERYBODY DIED!!!</p><p></p><p>Except for me ...</p><p>You know why?</p><p></p><p>(Harriet sings)Cause I had nothing up my sleeves</p><p>And wasn't using any strings or wires</p><p>Nothing up my sleeves</p><p>And wasn't using any strings or wires</p><p></p><p>(Harriet recites) Well, to cut a long story short, I</p><p>was alone. But I made a solemn vow that I would not</p><p>rest, I would not drink to get drunk again until my</p><p>party was brought back to life. But first I decided to</p><p>go and get some potions. So I walk into the shop and</p><p>the druid behind the bar says, "Yeeeah, whattaya</p><p>want?"</p><p>I said, "You got any master thievery potions?</p><p>He said, "No, we're outta master thievery!"</p><p>I said, "You got any elixers of life?"</p><p>He said, "No, we're outta elixers of life!"</p><p>I said, "You got any levitation potions?"</p><p>He said, "No, we're outta levitation potions!"</p><p>I said, "You got any healing potions?</p><p>"He said, "Wait a minute I'll go check. ... NO, WE'RE</p><p>OUTTA HEALING POTIONS!"</p><p>I said, "Well in that case ... in that case, what do</p><p>you have?"</p><p>He said, "All I got right now is the basket of one</p><p>dozen starving crazed dire rats."</p><p>I said, "OK, I'll take that."</p><p>So he hands me the basket and the dire rats jump out</p><p>and they immediately latch onto me and start bitin' me</p><p>all over! Man, they were goin' nuts! They were tearin'</p><p>me apart! And it was about this time that a spell</p><p>started going though my head. It went something like</p><p>this:</p><p></p><p>(Harriet screams and starts thrashing around on the</p><p>floor) "OH CRAP OH CRAP RATS RATS GETEMOFFME!! OH CRAP</p><p>OH CRAP AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"</p><p></p><p>(Harriet jumps to her feet and starts reciting again)</p><p>I ran out into the town with those soul-sucking rats</p><p>all over me, wavin' my arms and just runnin' and</p><p>runnin' around like a constipated miniature giant</p><p>space hamster! And as luck would have it, that's when</p><p>I ran into my hero. His name was Stimpy. He was a</p><p>cleric of St. Cuthbert with a cowlick and a face the</p><p>color of overcooked grits. I'll never forget the first</p><p>thing he said to me:</p><p></p><p>(Harriet stops and pauses for a beat before saying in</p><p>a stoner voice) "Woah. Rats."</p><p></p><p>(Harriet recites) That's when I knew I found a friend.</p><p>He banished the rats and healed my wounds and gave me</p><p>a discount on his services! We were pals. We ate</p><p>together, we drank together, and we even shared the</p><p>same mint-colored magic missle wand. We were so very</p><p>very happy. But then, one fateful day, Stimpy came up</p><p>to me and said, "Dude, I can raise your friends, but</p><p>it'll cost ya 10,000!" And I said, "WOAH, hold on a</p><p>minute, I'm not about to shell out that kinda cheddar</p><p>for anyone!"</p><p></p><p>And we took off</p><p>And I didn't resurrect 'em</p><p>But that's just the way things GO!</p><p></p><p>(Harriet sings)With the Temple of Elemental Evil!</p><p>Temple of Elemental Evil!</p><p></p><p>(Harriet begins to recite but starts to trail off, a</p><p>confused look on her face) Anyway ... where was I? I</p><p>lost my train of thought. Uh, well, OK, anyway, I know</p><p>it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I</p><p>guess the point I'm trying to make is, </p><p></p><p>(Harriet screams) I! HATE! DIRE RATS!</p><p></p><p>(Harriet recites) That's all I really wanted to say.</p><p>And by the way, if you ever find yourself in a misty,</p><p>magical temple full of guys in black robes who are</p><p>threatening to kill you, take comfort in the fact</p><p>that, no matter how bad that is, there's a little</p><p>place that's so much more evil and vile than you can</p><p>ever imagine ... </p><p></p><p>(Harriet sings) Called the Temple of Elemental Evil!</p><p>Temple of Elemental Evil! </p><p>(Harriet starts motioning for a shout out from the</p><p>audience) Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!</p><p>I said E! (E) L! (L) E (E) M! (M) ...</p><p>MENTAL!</p><p>Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!</p><p>El-eee-men-tal!!</p><p></p><p>(Harriet takes a bow and says) Thank you!</p><p></p><p>When questioned about the gross inaccuracies of the</p><p>song, Harriet just shrugs and says, "Don't question</p><p>art, darlings."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BVB, post: 939790, member: 12155"] The adventuring party that my wife and I recently joined lost a couple of its NPCs the other day. It was a DM-arranged death set off-stage, not something we caused ourselves. But we were still confronted with the question of whether to spend "party funds" to have these guys raised from the dead. Anyway, my wife is playing a chaotic-neutral halfling bard. I may have mentioned her before -- the cute, clueless chick who wears black and plays the bongos? (the character, not my wife.) By luck of the draw, hers was the deciding vote: Does she want to spend the group money to raise the NPCs? No. But to back it up, she wrote this little bit for the DM and our new gaming associates. I thought you might appreciate it... --- As the group sits around thinking about their recent losses, they notice that Harriet has gone up to the small stage. She energetically starts playing a borrowed halfling-sized guitar. She is performing THE ODE TO GARRETT (to the tune of Weird Al's "Albuequerque") (Harriet recites)Way back when after we left the moathouse located just outside a little nothing town in the middle of nowhere named Homlet ... you know the place ... Well were were going along and everything was just PEACHY ... except for the undeniable fact that every single time we went out for an adventure we kept getting sliced up into ribbons and having to come home and heal up. SLICED into ribbons! Every SINGLE time! It was driving me NUTS! So I asked my boyfriend, "Hey, Busta, what's with all these injuries? What're we doing this for anyway?" And my loving sweetie-punkin looked at me like the way a gnoll looks at an oncoming arrow. And he leaned he leaned down next to me and said: (Harriet screams) "BECAUSE THEY"RE EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!" (Harriet recites)And then he tells me again about the goblins he's been chasing since he was six-and-a-half years old! And that's when he told me that we had to go to this magical temple far away, where the sun never shines and the cauldrons are oh-so BUBBLY! Where the ghasts and the liches plot their plots all day long and anyone in the halls will be glad to slit your throat for a COPPER! Wakka-wakka-doo-doo YEAH! Well let me tell you, folks, it wasn't long before were were on our way. Because the very next day this guy who lives in that castle over there hired us to go after this gnome's wagon. It was a petty job, but then we thought its trail would go (Harriet starts singing) To the Temple of Elemental Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil! (Harriet recites) Oh yeah! You know, I've never been on a trek through an evil dark forest before! And I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except for the guys in the armor who ATTACKED us! And splitting up our party and then losing track of TWO of them! Oh yeah, and then going to a ghost town and fighting a stinky banshee that stole our minds and the ghasts that backstabbed us and then EVERYBODY DIED!!! Except for me ... You know why? (Harriet sings)Cause I had nothing up my sleeves And wasn't using any strings or wires Nothing up my sleeves And wasn't using any strings or wires (Harriet recites) Well, to cut a long story short, I was alone. But I made a solemn vow that I would not rest, I would not drink to get drunk again until my party was brought back to life. But first I decided to go and get some potions. So I walk into the shop and the druid behind the bar says, "Yeeeah, whattaya want?" I said, "You got any master thievery potions? He said, "No, we're outta master thievery!" I said, "You got any elixers of life?" He said, "No, we're outta elixers of life!" I said, "You got any levitation potions?" He said, "No, we're outta levitation potions!" I said, "You got any healing potions? "He said, "Wait a minute I'll go check. ... NO, WE'RE OUTTA HEALING POTIONS!" I said, "Well in that case ... in that case, what do you have?" He said, "All I got right now is the basket of one dozen starving crazed dire rats." I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the basket and the dire rats jump out and they immediately latch onto me and start bitin' me all over! Man, they were goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! And it was about this time that a spell started going though my head. It went something like this: (Harriet screams and starts thrashing around on the floor) "OH CRAP OH CRAP RATS RATS GETEMOFFME!! OH CRAP OH CRAP AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" (Harriet jumps to her feet and starts reciting again) I ran out into the town with those soul-sucking rats all over me, wavin' my arms and just runnin' and runnin' around like a constipated miniature giant space hamster! And as luck would have it, that's when I ran into my hero. His name was Stimpy. He was a cleric of St. Cuthbert with a cowlick and a face the color of overcooked grits. I'll never forget the first thing he said to me: (Harriet stops and pauses for a beat before saying in a stoner voice) "Woah. Rats." (Harriet recites) That's when I knew I found a friend. He banished the rats and healed my wounds and gave me a discount on his services! We were pals. We ate together, we drank together, and we even shared the same mint-colored magic missle wand. We were so very very happy. But then, one fateful day, Stimpy came up to me and said, "Dude, I can raise your friends, but it'll cost ya 10,000!" And I said, "WOAH, hold on a minute, I'm not about to shell out that kinda cheddar for anyone!" And we took off And I didn't resurrect 'em But that's just the way things GO! (Harriet sings)With the Temple of Elemental Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil! (Harriet begins to recite but starts to trail off, a confused look on her face) Anyway ... where was I? I lost my train of thought. Uh, well, OK, anyway, I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is, (Harriet screams) I! HATE! DIRE RATS! (Harriet recites) That's all I really wanted to say. And by the way, if you ever find yourself in a misty, magical temple full of guys in black robes who are threatening to kill you, take comfort in the fact that, no matter how bad that is, there's a little place that's so much more evil and vile than you can ever imagine ... (Harriet sings) Called the Temple of Elemental Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil! (Harriet starts motioning for a shout out from the audience) Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! I said E! (E) L! (L) E (E) M! (M) ... MENTAL! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! El-eee-men-tal!! (Harriet takes a bow and says) Thank you! When questioned about the gross inaccuracies of the song, Harriet just shrugs and says, "Don't question art, darlings." [/QUOTE]
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