jasper
Rotten DM
WANTED
SANTA CLAUS
ALIASES ST. NICK, SANTA, CHRIS KRINGLE, ST. NICHOLAS, JOLLY OLD ELF, BEARDED FATMAN, SANTE KLASS, CHRISTMAS ELF
DESCRIPTION
WHITE MALE WITH WHITE HAIR AND FULL BEARD. KNOWN TO WEAR GOLD RIM GLASSES AND SMOKE PIPE.
HEIGHT 6 FT
WEIGHT 350 + PDS
LAST SEEN WEARING A RED SUIT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM ON WAIST AND CUFFS. RED HAT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM. BLACK BOOTS.
WANTED BY THE FBI, CIA, OSHA, EPA, FAA, IRS, HUMANE SOCIETY, and VARIOUS FEDERAL, STATE & LOCAL AGENCIES.
MODUS OPERANDI Breaks and enters a home leaves gifts or coal under people's tree and in stockings. Escapes by red sleigh operated by eight or nine flying reindeer.
WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CRIMES:
Breaking and Entering.
Trespass.
Thief (all that cookies and milk)
Speeding.
Malicious Mischief (the coal).
Not wearing seat belt.
Operating a vehicle without a license.
Operating a vehicle without safety lights.
Operating an unsafe vehicle (no airbags or roll bar).
Operating an unregistered vehicle (no tag).
Running stop signs and lights.
Breaking curfew laws.
Creating a nuisance (all that clob clob clobing on the roof).
Failure to yield right of way.
Flying without a license.
Flying experimental aircraft without FAA approval.
Failure to file a flight plan.
Invading restricted air space.
Spying (just how does he know who's naughty).
Peeking Tom (just how does he know who's naughty).
Invasion of Privacy. (Just how does he know who's naughty).
Slander and libel (the list of the naughty).
Smoking in Public places.
Using endangered species in commission of a crime.
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get them to fly).
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get the nose to glow).
Operating a charity without a permit.
Failure to declare income.
Failure to file income tax.
Failure to pay income tax. (Just where does he get the money for those gifts)?
Income tax evasion.
Falsifying address (Yeah the North Pole)
Operating without a business license. (Where is this toyshop?).
Failure to comply with the Fair Labor Laws (only short elves hummm!)
Running a sweatshop. (The elves).
Illegal disposal of reindeer waste. (Oh no not my windows).
Illegal experimentation on animals (Again how does he get those reindeer to fly.)
Failure to pay Custom tax.
Illegal entry into the United States.
Illegal exit from the United States.
Posing a hazard to air navigation.
Working illegally in the USA.
No Green Card.
No Visa (perhaps maybe a master card.)
Unsafe air transport vehicle (no running lights.)
Failure to file OSHA reports.
Failure to comply with OSHA regulations. (No hard hats in elves workshop).
Illegal dumping of hazardous waste. (The constant dry-cleaning of his suit).
Failure to maintain a healthy weight. (CDC couch potato regs).
Failure to pay Social Security (for the elves.)
Illegal possession of radar jamming equipment. (How does he avoid these speed traps)?
Illegal possession of sleath technology. (Why doesn't he show up on radar).
Espionage (the stealth materials).
Various failures of IRS tax code for individual S Corporation and other companies. (No W-2 to elves, No exemption paper work etc.)
Transportation of weapons across State lines during commission of crime. (All the rifles and guns under the tree. ATF)
Bribery of public officials. (Congressmen still getting presents).
Illegal possession of firearms. (All the rifle and guns under the tree. ATF)
Transportation of alcohol beverages across State, National, Local lines. (All the booze. ATF various State and local agencies)
Failure to pay taxes on alcoholic beverages. (Christmas Spirit ??)
Operating an illegal still. (All that ho ho hoing and the red nose?)
Postal Fraud (right the North Pole and not giving the gifts ask for).
Failure to comply with the Clean Air laws of State of California (reindeer farts).
Breaking copyrights and patent laws. (Making all that stuff without paying royalties).
{Note Microsoft has class action against said individual for being an unlicensed marketer.}
Willful destruction of forest (public and private). (All those Christmas trees.)
Distillation and distribution of spirits. (ATF Just what is this Christmas Spirit).
Operating a Closed shop. (Only elves???)
Failure to pay Union dues. (The Teamsters).
Failure to meet health codes. (All that food and Candy. Tofu Lobby).
Failure to meet health codes. (No temperature control in sleigh for food).
Endangerment of children (All the candy Tofu Lobby).
Endangerment of children (All those unsafe toys. Ex beach balls BB guns).
Endangerment of children (Second hand smoke. CDC and others).
Inflicting Gender Bias on children. (Barbie dolls and Easy bake ovens. NOW).
Illegal Transportation of plants into the United States. (The Christmas trees, plants and wreaths).
Illegal Transportation of Drugs. ( Snow = cocaine. DEA.)
Wearing Fur and leather. (Green Peace. Just what type of fur is that lining his clothes.)
Food Code Violations (Sawdust in the cookies).
CIA Investigations (Something about Stealth Technology).
Failure to Supply Health Insurance. (The elves: injuries on the job. Lefty the elf. Falling out of the sleigh while in flight, that explains where all the little people come from.)
Inciting kids/adults to violate separation of church and state. (Singing Christmas carols in schools and school projects).
Contempt of a Senate and Congress Investigation (Secret Hearing concerning all the above).
Failure to obey presidential order.
Failure to obey noise abatement laws (all those take off and landings after midnight).
This just in THE law firm of Scrooge, Marley, and Grinch have offered a reward the capture of this harden criminal.
SANTA CLAUS
ALIASES ST. NICK, SANTA, CHRIS KRINGLE, ST. NICHOLAS, JOLLY OLD ELF, BEARDED FATMAN, SANTE KLASS, CHRISTMAS ELF
DESCRIPTION
WHITE MALE WITH WHITE HAIR AND FULL BEARD. KNOWN TO WEAR GOLD RIM GLASSES AND SMOKE PIPE.
HEIGHT 6 FT
WEIGHT 350 + PDS
LAST SEEN WEARING A RED SUIT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM ON WAIST AND CUFFS. RED HAT WITH WHITE FUR TRIM. BLACK BOOTS.
WANTED BY THE FBI, CIA, OSHA, EPA, FAA, IRS, HUMANE SOCIETY, and VARIOUS FEDERAL, STATE & LOCAL AGENCIES.
MODUS OPERANDI Breaks and enters a home leaves gifts or coal under people's tree and in stockings. Escapes by red sleigh operated by eight or nine flying reindeer.
WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CRIMES:
Breaking and Entering.
Trespass.
Thief (all that cookies and milk)
Speeding.
Malicious Mischief (the coal).
Not wearing seat belt.
Operating a vehicle without a license.
Operating a vehicle without safety lights.
Operating an unsafe vehicle (no airbags or roll bar).
Operating an unregistered vehicle (no tag).
Running stop signs and lights.
Breaking curfew laws.
Creating a nuisance (all that clob clob clobing on the roof).
Failure to yield right of way.
Flying without a license.
Flying experimental aircraft without FAA approval.
Failure to file a flight plan.
Invading restricted air space.
Spying (just how does he know who's naughty).
Peeking Tom (just how does he know who's naughty).
Invasion of Privacy. (Just how does he know who's naughty).
Slander and libel (the list of the naughty).
Smoking in Public places.
Using endangered species in commission of a crime.
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get them to fly).
Cruelty to animals (just how does he get the nose to glow).
Operating a charity without a permit.
Failure to declare income.
Failure to file income tax.
Failure to pay income tax. (Just where does he get the money for those gifts)?
Income tax evasion.
Falsifying address (Yeah the North Pole)
Operating without a business license. (Where is this toyshop?).
Failure to comply with the Fair Labor Laws (only short elves hummm!)
Running a sweatshop. (The elves).
Illegal disposal of reindeer waste. (Oh no not my windows).
Illegal experimentation on animals (Again how does he get those reindeer to fly.)
Failure to pay Custom tax.
Illegal entry into the United States.
Illegal exit from the United States.
Posing a hazard to air navigation.
Working illegally in the USA.
No Green Card.
No Visa (perhaps maybe a master card.)
Unsafe air transport vehicle (no running lights.)
Failure to file OSHA reports.
Failure to comply with OSHA regulations. (No hard hats in elves workshop).
Illegal dumping of hazardous waste. (The constant dry-cleaning of his suit).
Failure to maintain a healthy weight. (CDC couch potato regs).
Failure to pay Social Security (for the elves.)
Illegal possession of radar jamming equipment. (How does he avoid these speed traps)?
Illegal possession of sleath technology. (Why doesn't he show up on radar).
Espionage (the stealth materials).
Various failures of IRS tax code for individual S Corporation and other companies. (No W-2 to elves, No exemption paper work etc.)
Transportation of weapons across State lines during commission of crime. (All the rifles and guns under the tree. ATF)
Bribery of public officials. (Congressmen still getting presents).
Illegal possession of firearms. (All the rifle and guns under the tree. ATF)
Transportation of alcohol beverages across State, National, Local lines. (All the booze. ATF various State and local agencies)
Failure to pay taxes on alcoholic beverages. (Christmas Spirit ??)
Operating an illegal still. (All that ho ho hoing and the red nose?)
Postal Fraud (right the North Pole and not giving the gifts ask for).
Failure to comply with the Clean Air laws of State of California (reindeer farts).
Breaking copyrights and patent laws. (Making all that stuff without paying royalties).
{Note Microsoft has class action against said individual for being an unlicensed marketer.}
Willful destruction of forest (public and private). (All those Christmas trees.)
Distillation and distribution of spirits. (ATF Just what is this Christmas Spirit).
Operating a Closed shop. (Only elves???)
Failure to pay Union dues. (The Teamsters).
Failure to meet health codes. (All that food and Candy. Tofu Lobby).
Failure to meet health codes. (No temperature control in sleigh for food).
Endangerment of children (All the candy Tofu Lobby).
Endangerment of children (All those unsafe toys. Ex beach balls BB guns).
Endangerment of children (Second hand smoke. CDC and others).
Inflicting Gender Bias on children. (Barbie dolls and Easy bake ovens. NOW).
Illegal Transportation of plants into the United States. (The Christmas trees, plants and wreaths).
Illegal Transportation of Drugs. ( Snow = cocaine. DEA.)
Wearing Fur and leather. (Green Peace. Just what type of fur is that lining his clothes.)
Food Code Violations (Sawdust in the cookies).
CIA Investigations (Something about Stealth Technology).
Failure to Supply Health Insurance. (The elves: injuries on the job. Lefty the elf. Falling out of the sleigh while in flight, that explains where all the little people come from.)
Inciting kids/adults to violate separation of church and state. (Singing Christmas carols in schools and school projects).
Contempt of a Senate and Congress Investigation (Secret Hearing concerning all the above).
Failure to obey presidential order.
Failure to obey noise abatement laws (all those take off and landings after midnight).
This just in THE law firm of Scrooge, Marley, and Grinch have offered a reward the capture of this harden criminal.
