Upgrade your account to a Community Supporter account and remove most of the site ads.

Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Alcamtar" data-source="post: 231208" data-attributes="member: 3842">Hi Kyle. I've never been in a situation like yours, but my heart goes out to you, and to your son.I do have some thoughts:First, I wonder if she was lying about the affair... did you ever talk to Christopher yourself? You were right on the verge of a compromise about Christopher, and THEN she makes an announcement to derail the whole thing. Then again later you reconcile, and after a week she again says she may prefer Christopher. It's almost like Christopher is just a convenient tool to use to push you away.I am concerned about your move to Idaho. Absence certainly does not "make the heart grow fonder," but rather it widens any existing gulf. You know she is thinking about you, and she has already told you *what* she is thinking. Do you want her thinking those things without you around to defend yourself, without you around reminding her of your good points? Also, if she really does have an affair with Christopher, I don't recommend leaving her alone in the same town with him, especially since her best friend moved away. Who do you think she's going to talk to when she feels lonely and confused? (BTW, are you sure she wasn't lying? That was my first thought. Have you confronted him?) Finally, if you do get a divorce, it looks like you're the one who ran away from your wife and son; running makes it look like you're at fault.Some have said "once a cheater always a cheater". It doesn't sound to me like she's a habitual cheater, it sounds like she's bitter and looking for an excuse to start a fight. Maybe she's trying to make you jealous in order to push you into changing. My wife does this occasionally: she'll instigate a huge fight (out of the blue) until we aren't talking, then start hinting that maybe we should just separate or else get used to having a lousy marriage. Finally when we do talk, I discover she is feeling neglected or has some complaint, and the grandiose threats and posturing were just a way to get my attention and goad me into action. (I don't know that she wouldn't go through with it; unlike me she has been divorced before, and may feel that is better than staying a mediocre marriage. Sometimes I think she just tests me to see if I really love her or if I'll just roll over and give up; it must be gratifying and comforting when I fight to hold on.)Could it be that she is testing you, or trying to goad you into action. Granted an affair is pretty drastic, but it's worth asking the question. What has changed since you were dating? Once she was madly in love with you; what changed? What does she claim to see in Christopher? (Romance is a lousy thing to base a marriage on; what makes her think that in five years Christopher won't disappoint her too? She's making a huge mistake if she pursues this path.)If you just roll over and give up, she'll not only win, but she'll be vindicated. She will have proved that you aren't worthy of her. You are a man! Be strong, persistent, and don't let go of what is yours without a fight.Of course there is the adultery. That is a hard thing, and nobody will blame you for walking away. But again, if that is what you want, be forceful and take the initiative. Don't wait for her to call the shots.Give her a few days without you around. Give her a chance to miss you, a chance to squirm when your son asks "where's daddy?" Then I'd encourage you to go back, and fight for whatever decision you make. Moving away will end in divorce if you don't do anything to prevent it, so you might as well go back and confront the issue boldly. Take the initiative, don't leave it up to her. Be strong and confident.(If you seek reconciliation, I STRONGLY encourage you not to do it by yourself. Seek professional counseling; your own attempt has already failed once, and a trained counselor can help steer through the minefield. Also, you'll have to be willing to unilaterally change, even if you're not at fault. It's a hard thing to do, but sometimes necessary, especially when she *thinks* it's all your fault. And hey, if you CAN reconcile, if you get what you want in the end, who really cares whose fault it was?)Remember that all the advice you read here is based on very limited data, and colored by each individual's personal bias and experience. Best of luck, and whatever you do may God grant you success.</blockquote>

Verification