[OT] Jester Jokes

[DM with a vengence]

In about three weeks I'll be playing the part of a Renessance Jester for a combined music show and dinner. This is very good, I sing, I hit people with a bladder, and my hat has bells on it. The problem is I have no jokes, and since this is the first year we're doing this, nobody knows any.

So, I implore the members of the ENboards for advice on how a Jester would act, and what they would say.

 

[Breakstone]

Have a member of the audience stand up. Place your hands together straight out in front of you. Have the person clap their hands above and below your hands. Have them close their eyes. Tell them to keep clapping, and you'll work your magic to make them hover (or whatever).

Then, quietly, sneak away.

 

[jgbrowning]

here's something i pulled off the web...


A man asked his neighbour, which was but late married to a widow,
how he agreed with his wife, for he said that her first husband and
she could never agree.
"By God," quod the other, "we agree marvelous well."
"I pray ye, how so?"
"marry," quod the other, "I shall tell ye. When I am merry, she
is merry, and when I am sad, she is sad. For when I go out of my
doors I am merry to go from her, and so is she. And when I come
in again I am sad, and so is she."
[pub. 1526]

A kind wife followed her husband to the gallows; and he requesting
her not to trouble herself any further, she answered, "Ah, yes,
dear husband, now that I am come thus far, faith, I'll see you
hanged too, God willing, before I go."
[pub. 1595]

A certain jealous husband followed his wife to confession; whom
when the priest should lead behind the alter to be displied [disciplined
by beating], the husband, perceiving it, and doubting the worst,
cried unto him, saying, "hear ye, master parson, I pray you let
me be displied for her."
And kneeling down before the priest, "I pray you," quod the wife
to the priest, "strike him hard, for I am a great sinner."
[pub. 1583]

How many calves' tails behoveth to reach from the earth to the sky?
No more but one, an it be long enough.
What beast is it that hath her tail between her eyes?
It is a cat when she licketh her arse.
How may a man know or perceive a cow in a flock of sheep?
By sight.
What is it that freezeth never?
That is hot water.
What thing is it, the less it is, the more it is dread?
A bridge.
Which was first, the hen or the egg?
The hen, when God made her.
What time in the year beareth a goose most feathers?
When the gander is upon her back.
[English, ca. 1550, tr. from French, ca. 1500, some from Italian, possibly
as early as ca.1420]

A Spaniard travelling on the way alighted at a poor inn, and they
asked him his name. He answered, "Don pedro Gonzales Gayetan de
Guevara." Whereunto they replied, "Sir, we have not meat enough
for so many."
[pub. 1595 in English, before 1500 in Italian]

A felon at the gallows said unto the hangman, "Villain, better
yet be hanged than be a hangman, like thee."
"True," answered the hangman, "were it not for hanging."
[pub. 1595]





joe b.

 

[MeepoTheMighty]

SEVEN DRUNKEN NIGHTS


As I went home on Monday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a horse outside the door,
where my old horse should be.
I called my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that horse outside the door,
where my old horse should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more,
but a saddle on a sow, sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on Tuesday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a coat behind the door,
where my old coat should be.
I called my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that coat behind the door,
where my old coat should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a woolen blanket that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more,
but buttons on a blanket, sure, I never saw before.

As I went home on Wednesday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a pipe upon the chair,
where my old pipe should be.
I called my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that pipe upon the chair
where my old pipe should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a lovely tin-whistle, that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more,
but tobacco in a tin-whistle, sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on Thursday nigh,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw two boots beside the bed,
where my old boots should be.
I called my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns them boots beside the bed
where my old boots should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
They're two lovely flower pots my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more,
but laces in flower pots I never saw before.

As I came home on Friday night,
as drunk as drunk could be.
I saw a head upon the bed,
where my old head should be.
I called my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
who owns that head upon the bed,
where my old head should be.
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see.
That's a baby boy, that my mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more,
but a baby boy with his whiskers on, sure, I never saw before.

As I came home on a Saturday night,
as drunk as drunk could be
I spied two hands upon her breasts,
where my old hands should be.
I called to my wife and I said to her:
Will you kindly tell to me,
Who's hands are these upon your breasts,
where my old hands should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see
'Tis nothing but a pretty bra Jane Russell gave to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more,
but fingernails on a pretty bra, I never saw before.

Now when I came home on Sunday night,
a little after three.
I saw a man running out the door
with his pants about his knee.
So I called to my wife and I said to her:
would you kindly tell to me,
who was that man running out the door
with his pants about his knee?
Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
you silly old fool, and still you cannot see,
Twas nothing but the tax collector the Queen sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But an Englishman that could last 'till three I never saw before.

 

[MeepoTheMighty]

An old Scotsmen is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says the boy. "Ah, lad look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!

He Takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!

He continues..."And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"









Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..."