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Message: <blockquote data-quote="DanMcS" data-source="post: 330530" data-attributes="member: 6530">You can write, don't worry <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />  For posting to a webpage, you're doing fine, but getting this into a book is more demanding.  You have an interesting style, and I feel like if I critique this too much, I'll be taking your voice out of it completely, but let me give it a try.In your first paragraph, for instance:This paragraph is too conversational; also, I think you're overdoing it with flavor words.I like what you've got here, overall, but it seems overwritten.  The only way to solve that, if you buy that it's a problem, is to keep writing.  Buy a book or two on writing, and on scifi/fantasy writing.  Edit yourself severely.  Cut words, phrases, whole paragraphs.  Do that to your first chapter, then write a couple more, go back and look at the first chapter as it relates to later ones.  You should be re-writing constantly.  Right now, you've got a good start on a story, and apparently have a plot and characters in mind.  You should write an outline- doesn't have to be formal, but it helps you get where you want to go.You might consider checking out the Critter's Workshop <a href="http://www.critters.org" target="_blank">http://www.critters.org</a>, though they're on a bit of a break this week.  The way it works, is you do some critiquing of other people's fiction, 1 short story/week is the norm, and in return you can submit your short story, or even a whole novel (in chapters) for them to go over.  Not for the faint of heart, because a lot of these guys are sometimes-published, semi-pro writers, and would go over your story rather more harshly than I did that one paragraph, but you can learn a lot about the craft of writing just by seeing how other people do it.  And there's a log of saved stories and critiques there, you can see what kinds of suggestions you're likely to receive.</blockquote>

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