Punchline hunt

[Kilmore]

These are all possible jokes. I don't have punchlines for them though, but they are seriously begging for them. Can you all help me out? You don't have to answer them all at once.

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up?

7. How did halflings get so short?

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

10. How do you stop an orcish horde?

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?

 

[RangerWickett]

These are all possible jokes. I don't have punchlines for them though, but they are seriously begging for them. Can you all help me out? You don't have to answer them all at once.

1. Why can't humans see in the dark? Because human eyes require light to see by, and in the dark, there's not enough light to make things out.

2. Why do humans only live 50 years? As humans age, various minor mutations in DNA result in the breakdown of the body's ability to keep itself healthy. This damage to the DNA eventually results in them growing sick and dying.

3. Why do elves have pointy ears? When people first imagined Elves (which are fake), they wanted a way to make them seem foreign but frightening. The pointed ears differentiate them from humans, and vaguely resemble horns akin to those of the devil.

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales? They don't. They're myths. However, in the myths, dragons represent the impossible foe that only the pure can defeat, so it is necessary to make them impervious to most harm, for the sake of good storytelling.

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down? The limit is based only on time and resources.

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up? Because gnomes don't exist, and thus they can't blow up.

7. How did halflings get so short? People wanted little people in their myths, so they made them up.

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison? Because they don't exist.

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords? He can't.

10. How do you stop an orcish horde? Close the book and put down the dice.

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win? None.

 

[Dr Midnight]

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?

Because their eyes were scooped out with a melon baller. Now hold still...

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?

asked Hitler's brain of Walt Disney's cryonically entombed corpse

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

Shut up and keep paddling, Gimli.

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FAT!!!! *rimshot*

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

depends on how many flaming drunken dwarf corpses you have. Load up the catapult, let's see.

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up?

Because that idiot can't do anything right.

7. How did halflings get so short?

They're not. They're just really far away.

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

because that would be KENDER-GUARDIN'. *another rimshot*

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

Because he's played by an FR-grubbing little munchkin punk. "Ooooh, I want to be a DROW!!!" Shut up and roll your stats, Percy.

10. How do you stop an orcish horde?

add the sound "-eurve" to the end, then be simply nauseated and send it back to the kitchen.

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?

Well, the MM clearly states that kobolds and trolls move at speed 30. Orcs do as well, but only if they're unarmored. Is the orc unarmored? If so, we're in for one HELL OF A RACE.

 

[Mark]

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?

Ye Gods have determined that the ability for humans to see in the dark would only perpetuate the frenquency of incontinence.

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?

It's a balance issue.

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

Ritual tree hanging by Dwarven Nannies.

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

Dragons are cheap and Lubriderm Lotion sold by the vat is very expensive.

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

Depends how close to the lantern he belches.

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up?

It's protected by the anticpatory salivating at the sound of a fuse.

7. How did halflings get so short?

Pipeweed stunts your growth.

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

Kender Lawyers are very good.

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

Contractual obligation after endorsing both Remington and Schick.

10. How do you stop an orcish horde?

Take away herd highed-heeled shoeds.

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?

The Gelatious Cube in the 10' pit.

 

[Kilmore]

We got some good ones here. Kender-Guardin'. Wasn't expecting that one.

 

[AngelTears]

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?

The lamp-oil gods decided that "for man to see the light, he must experience the dark"

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?

That way elves can say they live four times longer then humans. If elves could count.

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

It comes from many years of elvish mothers schlepping their children from place to place.

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

To hide their fragile egos.

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

That depends if you would let a dwarf with a stool into your house.

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up?

Actually gnomes don't have beards. You are confusing them with dwarves again.

7. How did halflings get so short?

When half-a-man and half-a-woman have children, they are called halflings. I am sure you can imagine the rest.

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

They get off by inciting kender discrimination by the state.

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

So he can scatch that hard to reach place with equal dexterity with his left hand as with his right.

10. How do you stop an orcish horde?

By throwing them an elvish princess, or an lef in a dress. Orks aren't that picky.

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?

The dragon.

 

[Magius del Cotto]

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?
They have seen the light, and it burned. (shamelessly ripped from The Simpsons...)

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?
Because any older and they'd have to use Social Security.

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?
Light one up and let's find out.

7. How did halflings get so short?
Well, it all started when this big rock fell out of the sky...

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?
Everybody knows they'd just walk right back out.

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?
He's gotten so flashy, he's forgotten how to fight with only one.

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?
Well, the troll and the orc will get in a fight about whose mother is uglier, while the kobold would just run away. The wrong way, of course.

 

[Kithmaker]

1. Why can't humans see in the dark?

"What does it matter? They can't see out the dark either!"

2. Why do humans only live 50 years?

"If you can't see in the dark, something's bound to catch you in 50 years..."

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

"They don't -- humans have blunt ears."

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

"If you weighed as much as a dragon, you'd need tough scales, too!"

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

spoken with a lisp: "None -- unless he's flaming."

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows himself up?

"Because it's an inflatable beard."

7. How did halflings get so short?

"They didn't -- non-halfings got tall."

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

"Because they're executed on the spot."

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

"You call those swords??"

10. How do you stop an orcish horde?

"Round up a forest of Ents."

11. An orc, a troll and a kobold are racing down a dungeon hallway. Who's going to win?

"The pit trap."

 

[Henry]

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

Because it's where the point went when the Dwarves pounded their heads flat.

4. Why do dragons have such tough scales?

Because when they're warming up their throats to sing, they tend to kill everyone in the room.

5. How many buildings can a drunken dwarf burn down?

Just one - the outhouse.

6. Why doesn't a gnome's beard burn whenever he blows
himself up?

Because it's loaded with flame-retardant gnome.

7. How did the halflings get so short?

How else am I going to fit them in the suitcase?

8. Why don't kender get sent to prison?

Because the Firing Squad needs jobs.

9. Why does Drizzt carry two swords?

You would too, if you had that much compensating to do.

 

[Welverin]

3. Why do elves have pointy ears?

Automatic rice picking machine.