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Sexism in Table-Top Gaming: My Thoughts On It, and What We Can Do About It
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<blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 6206014" data-attributes="member: 3019"><p>Well, actually, yes.</p><p></p><p>That is, while you certainly don't seem afraid to go into a towering, operating rage about matters on which you have strong feelings, over and over again you caution against behavior that is "rocking the boat" in real life. It might mess up the gaming group! We might have to call in <em>the authorities</em>! (i.e., the people running a convention, whose job it is, in part, to insure that the convention goes well for everyone). Confront Bob by out-geeking him so that you can turn it into a friendly trivia match, or deferentially and politely beg for him to let you play! And we mustn't be confrontational; Bad Things Could Happen, as we never know where the brutal sword of Justice might fall or what might happen. (A return of the Terror, I suppose. Or the President declaring martial law at GenCon.)</p><p></p><p>As billd91 already said, if Bob is being a jerk, then the problem is Bob, and we deal with Bob. There is no moral obligation for the players, the game and the community to bend over backward to work around Bob's issues, and should not prioritize Bob's inclusion and comfort over everyone else's. At a con, if Bob is violating the code of conduct and being a bad customer, it is very much in the interests of the people running that con to find out about it <em>at the time</em> and handle it appropriately - rather than to find out much later via social media that a lot of people are saying unpleasant things about the con because Bob was allowed to run rampant.</p><p></p><p>Does that mean there may be unpleasantness? In all likelihood, yes, because <em>Bob is a jerk</em>, and thus may not quietly accept criticism and vow to change his ways. That's unfortunate, but the alternative is to prioritize Bob over the people to whom he's being a jerk - which may be rather a lot of people. To suggest otherwise is, yes, to caution against rocking the boat.</p><p></p><p>BTW, you asked (in somewhat overwrought fashion) what 'triumphs' I have had in dealing with jerks. I will tell you what <em>doesn't</em> work: pretending that Self-Appointed Guardian has any legitimacy or right to insist that I 'prove myself' before I can be allowed to game, or call myself a gamer, or participate in games at a con that I paid money to attend just like he did. What does work for me may not work for a lot of other people, precisely because I am an old gaming fart, I've been to (and run) gaming cons, and I have run into SAGs before and know the drill. A 20-year-old who just got into gaming by playing <em>World of Darkness</em> last fall at college and whose buddies are totally cool with girl gamers? Is not going to find it helpful for me to tell her "Just look him dead in the eye and tell them you were painting miniatures back when he was still in diapers, and you have more gaming experience in your little finger than he does in his entire, pasty body." </p><p> </p><p>Of course, one of the things we're all working toward, I hope, is a community where that kind of behavior is treated on par with borrowing dice without permission or filching stuff from a dealer's table. That is, negatively, swiftly, and with repercussions in case anyone else thinks it's a good idea and they can do it with impunity.</p><p></p><p>BTW, I don't think it's a bad suggestion at all for Alice Newgamer to call out the real problem: "It seems like you don't want me in this game. Why is that?" I don't, however, think she needs to deferentially plead for permission to join. That doesn't shame the SAC so much as legitimize his belief that he is the Guardian of Gaming.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mythago, post: 6206014, member: 3019"] Well, actually, yes. That is, while you certainly don't seem afraid to go into a towering, operating rage about matters on which you have strong feelings, over and over again you caution against behavior that is "rocking the boat" in real life. It might mess up the gaming group! We might have to call in [I]the authorities[/I]! (i.e., the people running a convention, whose job it is, in part, to insure that the convention goes well for everyone). Confront Bob by out-geeking him so that you can turn it into a friendly trivia match, or deferentially and politely beg for him to let you play! And we mustn't be confrontational; Bad Things Could Happen, as we never know where the brutal sword of Justice might fall or what might happen. (A return of the Terror, I suppose. Or the President declaring martial law at GenCon.) As billd91 already said, if Bob is being a jerk, then the problem is Bob, and we deal with Bob. There is no moral obligation for the players, the game and the community to bend over backward to work around Bob's issues, and should not prioritize Bob's inclusion and comfort over everyone else's. At a con, if Bob is violating the code of conduct and being a bad customer, it is very much in the interests of the people running that con to find out about it [I]at the time[/I] and handle it appropriately - rather than to find out much later via social media that a lot of people are saying unpleasant things about the con because Bob was allowed to run rampant. Does that mean there may be unpleasantness? In all likelihood, yes, because [I]Bob is a jerk[/I], and thus may not quietly accept criticism and vow to change his ways. That's unfortunate, but the alternative is to prioritize Bob over the people to whom he's being a jerk - which may be rather a lot of people. To suggest otherwise is, yes, to caution against rocking the boat. BTW, you asked (in somewhat overwrought fashion) what 'triumphs' I have had in dealing with jerks. I will tell you what [I]doesn't[/I] work: pretending that Self-Appointed Guardian has any legitimacy or right to insist that I 'prove myself' before I can be allowed to game, or call myself a gamer, or participate in games at a con that I paid money to attend just like he did. What does work for me may not work for a lot of other people, precisely because I am an old gaming fart, I've been to (and run) gaming cons, and I have run into SAGs before and know the drill. A 20-year-old who just got into gaming by playing [I]World of Darkness[/I] last fall at college and whose buddies are totally cool with girl gamers? Is not going to find it helpful for me to tell her "Just look him dead in the eye and tell them you were painting miniatures back when he was still in diapers, and you have more gaming experience in your little finger than he does in his entire, pasty body." Of course, one of the things we're all working toward, I hope, is a community where that kind of behavior is treated on par with borrowing dice without permission or filching stuff from a dealer's table. That is, negatively, swiftly, and with repercussions in case anyone else thinks it's a good idea and they can do it with impunity. BTW, I don't think it's a bad suggestion at all for Alice Newgamer to call out the real problem: "It seems like you don't want me in this game. Why is that?" I don't, however, think she needs to deferentially plead for permission to join. That doesn't shame the SAC so much as legitimize his belief that he is the Guardian of Gaming. [/QUOTE]
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