Upgrade your account to a Community Supporter account and remove most of the site ads.

Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Colmarr" data-source="post: 4235051" data-attributes="member: 59182">Just thought I'd drop in and give my 2c worth on the first instalment. I've put them in spoiler blocks so as not to distract readers who aren't interested in my comments and just want to read the excellent fiction.[sblock=Internal monologue difficulties]I'm a very amateur writer myself, so take my criticism/advice with a grain of salt, but there were a couple of times in the first instalment where Arken's thought patterns and/or internal monologue seemed not to match his emotional state. Specifically, I noted that his monologue at times was quite verbose and articulate whereas emotionally he was frothing with rage. "Rayne Zetrus, leader of Sacred Earth as the Crest of Purity, better known as the Righteous Nova" is an exceedinly complex sentence even for a calm and collected person. Likewise, "And more to the point, no one messes with me, Arken Shane, and brags about it for more than a solar cycle before I bring down the hammer on the fool who dared to cross my path" is a laboured sentence that I can't really imagine anyone being able to think/speak without pausing to take a breath.I personally like to represent rage or anger with short, explosive sentences. You've done so in some cases, especially the EXCELLENT 'range' sentences (eg. "Thirty feet. Rayne is dead"), but IMO you've let the sentences run on too long in some areas, and that takes away from the sense of rage.[/sblock]Overall an excellent story, and one I'd be very happy with if I'd written it myself.</blockquote>

Verification