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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Sir Brennen" data-source="post: 2692471" data-attributes="member: 553">As an English [Creative Writing] major (long ago and far away), I have to agree with Thornir - even such simple things as lack of apostrophes on possessive nouns can be very distracting.Also, if this is a sample of the novel, the pacing has me a little concerned as a prospective reader.  It reads more like a movie script - sparse statement of action and dialogue - more than a written story. You can slow down and spend three or four sentences on each character in the room (and the room itself!) for the opening scene.  Really.  Your readers will wait for you.  In fact, it will help establish the scene and characters more firmly in their minds, and hopefully make them care, or at least be interested in, what happens to your characters as they face the events and action you describe.  Oh, and shorter sentences once in a while are okay, too.  <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" /> As it stands, though... I wasn't really hooked by the prologue(s?) presented.  But then, I'm really not that big a reader of Sword and Sorcery fiction, unless it's really got something different to offer. (Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion series, or China Mieville's New Crobuzon trilogy probably best exemplifying old school and new school, respectively, 'New Wave fantasy' of the sort I find more enjoyable.)I believe every book has a target audience, though.  Best of luck in finding yours.edit: just saw your reply to Thornir. Let us know when you've updated and we'll give it another gander.</blockquote>

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